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« Bass Ackwards | Main | Sparing A Dime »

You Can Talk

Tonight's liveblog is brought to you by LynD The Reader, awesome in email, comment, and deed.  Thank you, Lyn!

8:45:  Oh man, this is a big night for C-SPAN, which has busted out an actual graphic.  There's a countdown clock:  "Debate In..."  Big doin's!

9:01:  Network throw to the official feed, with moderator Jim Lehrer and his hair informing the audience that "I'm going to hold my breath for 90 minutes."  The crowd, terrified, laughs.  Jim turns to stare into the camera.  If I'm one of the candidates, I'm vomiting right now.  The pressure, holy crap.  I don't care how many lollipops are waiting on the other side of this.

9:01:30:  Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaring.

9:01:45:  JIM.  YOU'RE ON.

9:02:  Right out of the gate, Obama wins the Blue Suit Stand-Off.  Kickin' red tie.  McCain has trotted out a striped red and white tie, and looks like he lost the other three members of his barbershop quartet.

9:02:30:  The order has been determined by a coin toss.  That is something I would like to see.  How did they agree on which coin to use?  Was it just, like, a quarter?  Who supplied the quarter?  Maybe it was a First Presidential Debate Commemorative Coin, with Jim's head on one side and a blue suit on the other?  Did they have a celebrity tosser?  They could have brought out Justin Timberlake to flip it, or The Shat.  Or Pia Zadora!  I DEMAND ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE COIN TOSS.

9:03:  Jim announces that he would like to begin with something from Dwight D. Eisenhower. What needed to happen here was for him to reach under the desk for one of those Dukakis-grade helmets and slap it over his head.  But sadly, it's only a quote about... I don't know... presidentality or something.

9:19:  Jim keeps admonishing the Senators to address one another.  I am beginning to think that he prepped for this by babysitting my nephews for about eight hours, practicing by demanding that they apologize to one another for hogging Lightning McQueen.

9:22  Oh, now we're just playing "My facts are more awesomer than your facts."  I want to wheel out Dana Carvey to moderate this thing with a "WROOOOOOOONNNNG!!! Issue Number FOUR! What's up with the enormous terrifying eagle bearing down on both your heads!!"

9:23  McCain breaks the monotony by busting out a "festooned."  WOW.  SAT Word of the Night Advantage, McCain!

9:30:  I can't read Obama's lapel pin, so I am unable to tell what he cares about.  McCain is not wearing a pin, and therefore clearly doesn't care about anything.

9:31: "Google For Government", seriously?  I give it precisely two minutes before the top hit on every single search, even for "capital gains tax reform," is porn.

9:34:  Senator McCain, in an election in which your opponent is airing "Lookit this guy, he's all creaky an' stuff!" ads, don't refer to ANYTHING ANYWHERE NEAR YOU, even if it's a pen, as "old."  And don't hold up a Sharpie and call it "a pen."  I tried to take attendance with a Sharpie last week.  It didn't go too well.

9:39:  Heh.  Obama said "orgy."  Immediately followed by "hard to swallow."  Heh.

9:42: There's a green light flashing waaaay over Jim's head which reminds me of waiting in line for Confession, complete with the hideous tension and unnerving silence.  Speak too loudly, and all the world hears your sins.

9:48:  Yelling over Iraq.  I've just pulled my sweatshirt up over my head, South Park-style, and crunched waaaay down in a feeble attempt to become one with the couch.  This is what happens when a person who avoids conflict at all costs is forced to sit still and watch a fight which cannot be ended with stomping and a slammed door.

9:56:   John, see the comment at 9:34.  You might not want to baldly reference Alexander the Great, who was last seen in 323 BC.

10:01:  These questions are making it way too easy for both candidates to simply default into their stump speeches. I want real questions:  "Senator Obama, is it soda or pop?"  "Senator McCain, Bree's hair--what's the deal?"

10:02:  Battle of the Dead Soldiers Bracelets.  I've just about cringed my way through the back of the couch and past the wall behind me.  This is sick.  If I make them each a friendship bracelet out of embroidery floss, will they both shut up about it?  They can pick the colors.  I even have metallics.

10:17:  "I hate Iran more."  "No, I hate Iran more!"

10:22:  Did I just hear McCain drop a whispered "horses---!" bomb under his breath while Obama was talking?  I think he just dropped a whispered s-bomb.  He's got Nastia Liukin's vote.

10:32:  NOBODY is talking about how much Word 2007 sucks.  Both of you, stand against the docx tyranny!

10:34: On the bright side, I am now so terrified about suitcase nukes that I haven't had a panic attack over the bailout in four whole minutes.

10:43:  Debate over, good game handshake.  Well, now I can relax.

Wait- veep debate next week?  Oh crap.

10:45: The dresses of the pending First Ladies are a downright Ug-Off.  Cindy McCain looks like she went shopping at Ruffles R Us, while Michelle Obama clearly got up this morning, looked at the couch, and said, "That looks wearable."

10:47:  Stop saying "spirited," talking heads.  Start with "They hhhhhaaaaate each other!" and let's take it from there.

COMMENTS REMINDER: Before you type... reread the policy.  No shrieky-shrieky in the Tasting Room.

I want a podium too at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

tip the bartender

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Reader Comments (13)

I knew I would get more out of your take on the debate than watching it myself. Glad I spent my 9-10:30 time slot wedding planning instead of watching TV.

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHunter House Mom

Thanks for reminding me why I can only stand to watch these sorts of things with the mute on so I can make up my own dialogue for both of them. I couldn't watch tonight, though. I was at school still wading through all the paperwork for my gifted/talented students.

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWiserlemming

>>The dresses of the pending First Ladies are a downright Ug-Off. Cindy McCain looks like she went shopping at Ruffles R Us, while Michelle Obama clearly got up this morning, looked at the couch, and said, “That looks wearable.”<<

THIS is why I love you!

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAdrian

I agree with Adrian about the dresses -- too funny! I knew I skipped the mind-numbing waste of 1.5 hours for a reason. Somehow, I knew you'd be way more entertaining.

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChelsea

love it. Thanks for sitting through that drek so I could safely hide under the couch.

you rock.

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterlynD

Somebody SHOULD be running on Word 07 sucks platform. It took me 45 minutes to find "Save As." There needs to be a bailout!

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBB

Ha. I haven't been here in awhile, but after reading that post, I have no idea why.
You brighten my day! (And the ho-hum debate.)

You're my write-in on the "Word 07 Sucks" platform alone!

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

Very much agreed that the candidates didn't get tough questions. I guess debate #1 is a warm-up? Where's the stuff about tax cuts and health care? THAT'S what I was hoping to hear.

Plus, it was particularly annoying that Jim kept asking them questions about the bail-out plan, which both said (repeatedly) WAS STILL UNDER DISCUSSION IN CONGRESS, so of course they couldn't talk about it in detail. Duh.

September 29, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterj.s.

j.s. this was the foreign policy debate, and while it had to have some of the bailout in it because it was breaking news, you'll probably get your tax cuts and health care in a later debate.

Wiserlemming: Thanks for reminding me why I can only stand to watch these sorts of things with the mute on so I can make up my own dialogue for both of them.

Wait a minute! . . . *light bulb over head, which shorts and dies, so the hamster gets in the wheel and powers it to modest brightness* . . . idea! MB, you should totally text your BFF Michael J. "The" Nelson and have him come out with Rifftrax for political debates! That would rule!

"Grr, I'm cranky and old!"
"How many times have I used the word 'change' in the answer to this question? Nine? That's ALL?"
"Get offa my lawn!"
"Nobody watches my show, 'cause it's on PBS."

We'll make millions. Wait, did I say "we"? I meant "you." Mostly.

You know what, I actually did ask The Nelson this when I interviewed him. He said that it's really tough to do on the spot, and that "we've tried it before, and it really doesn't work." He's right. The very first season of MST3K, the one on the tiny cable station in Minneapolis, was taped with off the cuff riffs. I've seen a couple episodes. And as funny and talented as those guys are, I will just say that there were *a lot* of silences. But he's done mini-riffs of a couple of the commercials. I think you can find them on YouTube.

October 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMB

[...] PM:  Return of the C-SPAN Special Occasion SuperClock.  Only… it counts down to 9PM and crap-all happens, not even a twitch from Gwen Ifill and [...]

[...] PM:  I’m having to watch this on CNN and was initially terrified by the loss of the Special Occasion SuperClock, but CNN has one too.  Oh thank [...]

[...] Posted on Thursday, October 16, 2008 by MB 8:58:  The Debate Commission paid for the Enormous Terrifying Bearing-Down Eagle, and baybee, they are going to use [...]

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