When Straining for a Metaphor, You Could Do Worse Than Peanut Butter, Dark Chocolate, an Entire Box of Sugar, and a Palm Bounce
Sunday, March 20, 2011 at 2:30AM Previously on Having A Moment:
- I have a bag of grass in my storage closet.
- Not that kind of grass.
- The turf at Ohio Stadium is fake. Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major's aweseomenss, however, is terrifyingly real.
- Ohio is balls-cold in February.
One of the vaunted members of Regina 2 North--that darling freshman hallway of high lofts, low math grades, and occasional March of the Domer Dance Dates-- grew up just outside Columbus. We have ever loved her as KC, and she has done everything right. She was Homecoming Queen. She married her high school sweetheart. She became an accountant and a mommy. She is currently raising her family in the house she herself grew up in. She is in one place, people-friendly, hilarious...a fine citizen. She is, in other words, everything that I am not. And because KC is so goldang lovable I can't even hate her for it. That is, perhaps, her single flaw. Which of course makes her even more lovable, damn her.
Last month, extremely pregnant with her fourth child, she invited me to dinner after my day at Ohio State was through. I showed up in pantyhose and frosted eyeshadow, having spent the day throwing down a single glass of wine during an interview on a stomach so empty and a nervous system so fried that I draped myself over the back seat of the rental car, high heels and all, to shake it off. KC was pulling pizza boxes out of the oven and turning on the 90's music channel so that her three saplings could show off their dance moves for Auntie MB, dance moves which belied a coordination far beyond that Auntie MB is still waiting to achieve.
KC had made four different kinds of desserts, and stacked them all on one of those little shelf towers you only see in magazine pictures and functional homes. I sat at my friend's kitchen table and watched her babies jump up and down to "Step By Step" and if only we were speaking tortured Spanish, keeping one ear cocked for an off-campus telephone ring, and lying stomachs-down on a hallway carpet from the Nixon administration, you'd think we were fresh from Waffle Bar Night at the Saint Mary's Dining Hall.
She set the little tower on the table as her two boys ran past, brandishing foam swords. "I have a Columbus welcome for you, MB," she said, pointing to the top tier.
For those of you sad souls who do not recognize the pile of sugar and magnificence before you, these are buckeyes, an Ohio delicacy which even we Cincinnatians will tolerate on a Christmas cookie platter. They are made of peanut butter, dark chocolate, and crack.
"Are you doing all right?" she asked. I tilted my head at her; the woman had just presented me with fudge and confectioners sugar. I was doing great. "And how are the Drum Majors treating you?"
"Exquisite human beings and gentlemen all," I told her. "Very talented, very nice, very inspiring."
"Oh," she said, as we watched an online video of Script Ohio, "those nasty Ohio State people?"
I threw up my hands, at her and her Domer husband, Doug, who grew up surrounded by Ohio State, went to college in South Bend, and hold steady to childhood memories of marching around the house to Le Regiment on the first day of football season. "I hereby denounce myself."
"My dad would have liked a book like this." KC nodded at her husband, Doug, who opened the door to their basement. The steps were grey, tracing down between two scarlet walls. "See what he did here? But you know what, going to Ohio State just never occurred to me. Too big."
I stood on tiptoe to see the vibrant colors fade off into blackness. "Is the rest of the basement like that?"
"Nope," she said. "Just the steps." Just the connection between the two stories. That was enough.
"You never mentioned Ohio State much back in school."
"I knew better. Besides, there was always room for both in my life. I never felt like I had to choose between my home and my life at Saint Mary's."
KC placed both hands on either side of her stomach, cradling her fourth (FOURTH) child. "You'd be surprised, MB, at what there's room for in your life."
Room for more dark chocolate, that's what I'm thinking.
Oh, and Jason The Young would like to tell you something: HE'S STILL AWESOME. Behold the almighty palm bounce:
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Reader Comments (134)
Boy am I glad I had insomia tonight.
(dabs eyes)
She gives us hot men, she gives us sweet words, AND she gives us chocolate.
Bless you, dear, dear Tink.
I see what you did here, MB....
Right as the first "You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME" was leaving my mouth, he frickin' SWITCHED HANDS and did it every bit as well on the other one.
Jason and the Baseline of Awesome, man....
Jason I am running out of ways to tell you how proud I am that you representing THE Ohio State University.
That doesn't mean I can't buy a thesaurus.
Keep up the truly great work.
Mary Beth, your voice in this video made me grin so much. You're just thrilled with life in this moment, I can tell. THANK YOU DRUM MAJORS for making this happen and for sharing your badassness with us mere mortals.
Speaking of smiles: Jason, you have a terrific one.
New here and totally loving this Ohio State stuff. I love your writing Mary Beth. Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum major, I have no doubt you are going to do even greater things in life! Congratulations to you both.
TERRIFIC!
Sucked me in with the horses, kept me in with the gorgeous wordsmithin' and the twirlin'! Oh SO GOOD.
Moving and thrilling all at once. Whew.
Ohhhhhhh so cruel of you to be posting chocolate during Lent....
That's OK, Jason makes up for it :) :) :) :)
...so now I have to add "Hey, come here and check out this sick video of this dude twirling the living shit out of this baton!" to the list of things I thought I'd never say...
Fanfreakin'tastic chemistry. Mary Beth, you're not just writing REGULARLY again, you are writing... I don't know how to describe it. Outside yourself? That doesn't make sense, probably, but it's the best I've got.
Keep up the spinnin' Jason. You're my entire office's new hero.
I have now seen a Palm Bounce, and I feel fine....
Belle, the way you are tying together your past, this present project, and the future you're making with it is gorgeous. GORGEOUS.
Oh yeah, and Jason The Young, he can stay if he wants. I never thought I'd respect a batontwirling dude so much.
With all the crap going on in the world I just need to say how nice it was to sit for a few moments with some beautiful writing and 30 seconds of a good looking guy just making sure I was paying attention..
Amazing what can make a person's Monday better.
This is what I believe is called "Putting On a Clinic...."
Mary Beth, I hope you don't mind, but I watched the video first before reading the post. yes, we're now at that point.
MB, while I understood and was moved by the "Buckeye Battle Cry" post at the time, now it makes even more sense as I see the bigger picture you provide here. You are facing a LOT of big important issues with this book. You weren't just in need of sleep that night in the parking lot, you were.... exhausted, from many things. The fact that your voice is so happy and giggly here underlines the incredible roller coaster you must have weathered that week.
So keep cryin' and laughin' it out. We are all on your side.
Oh, and Jason? So hot he'll melt your popsicle. That is a sensational trick!!
Jason The Young and MB need their own reality show called something like Hot Chick, Cool Stick. Too fun, this.
Oooohhhhhh, sweet Buckeye candy.
Those chocolate treats look pretty good too.....
Palm bounces FTW!!
"throwing down a single glass of wine during an interview on a stomach so empty and a nervous system so fried that I draped myself over the back seat of the rental car, high heels and all, to shake it off. "
Hah. As always, "I got buzzed on merlot and Stew The Big Deal and slept it off in a parking lot" isn't good enough. Gotta read like that. Every action, no matter how mundane, is described as interestingly, amusingly, or beautifully as possible. Well done, Belle.
I see the connection, now, with the Script Ohio. Every second of that is attended to. You bring the same attention to your writing.
To quote my 3 yr old: "How he DO dat?"
"KC placed both hands on either side of her stomach, cradling her fourth (FOURTH) child. "You'd be surprised, MB, at what there's room for in your life.""
...Is... she telling you to become impregnated with Drum Major Superseed?
"Jason The Young and MB need their own reality show called something like Hot Chick, Cool Stick."
I like it.
Needs to be on 7 days a week, 4 hours a day. In primetime.
"Hot Chick, Cool Stick."
EPIC. I can just see the title sequence. Matt The Badass standing there all arms-folded, bleedin'....
Oh look, the site's crashing. Must be Drummajor day.
I think the site crashes every time there's a twirling vid because everybody's all, "They cannot possibly blow me away more than the last one did" AND THEN THEY TOTALLY DO and we can't drag ourselves from the evidence.
lovely moments here, Miss Belle.
"reality show"
Mary Beth and Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major are intelligent people with ethics.
They have no place on reality TV.
Well, now I need to make some Buckeyes.
I hold you personally responsible, MB.
I am sure that a Drum Major is also somehow at fault. I'll get back to on that after I finish melting the chocolate.
Pimp. Pimpin' in the fieldhouse, that's what this is.
"Now, Mr. Stuckert....."
Hee! Oh I want to hang out with you guys.
MB: Come read about my flesh and blood adorable nephews!
The readers: yeah that's nice
MB: Oh, and here's 30 seconds of Jason The Drum Major
Readers: (crash site)
"Oh yeah, and Jason The Young, he can stay if he wants. I never thought I'd respect a batontwirling dude so much."
+1
THE READERS: Proudly breaking the internet since 2005
Entire boxes of sugar FTW
"She is, in other words, everything that I am not."
WHY do you say nice things about EVERY other person on the planet except yourself?
Well, I gained 8 pounds just looking at that picture, so there's that.
You crapweasles crashed my comment. BOOOOOOOOOOOO
"MB: Come read about my flesh and blood adorable nephews!
The readers: yeah that's nice"
To be fair, there are things that can be said on a Drum Major thread which have ABSOLUTELY NO PLACE on one about sweet baby nephews.
We try to be chill, but ya'll are so hot that we melted.....
(swaying back and forth to iPod)
I.
Have.
No.
Words.
"They are made of peanut butter, dark chocolate, and crack."
LOL!!
"EPIC. I can just see the title sequence. Matt The Badass standing there all arms-folded, bleedin'...."
The Subdued One beating the living shit out of some 14 year old, Jason The Ridiculously Young kneeling in his Lawrence of Arabia pose, gazing off in the distance...."
"# I have a bag of grass in my storage closet.
# Not that kind of grass."
Hahahahahaha solid.
"the title sequence"
Stew Kitchen climbing out of the cockpit of the Stealth Fighter
Mary Beth crying in the parking lot
"EPIC. I can just see the title sequence. Matt The Badass standing there all arms-folded, bleedin'...."
Nate and David scaling Mt Everest to retrieve MB's purse while Matt struts past, no oxygen necessary
Claudia The Campus SIster karate chopping some ninja
ROTF, I just had to make sure you all saw this tweet from Mary Beth:
Dear fellow patron of the Mobile Ballet Company: If you insist upon bringing a Value Meal into the performance, kindly bring enough for the entire balcony.
"Nate and David scaling Mt Everest to retrieve MB's purse while Matt struts past, no oxygen necessary"
I would ask WTF she's doing on Mt Everest with her purse, but I think we have all learned not to ask why MB does ANYTHING