Tuesday
Jul122011
"We Still Do a Few Things in Boston, Franklin."
Tuesday, July 12, 2011 at 11:06PM Upon reaching Massachusetts Bay Colony:
- I knew from a painfully early age--the day I was mistaken for a boy at the Denver International Airport in my bowl haircut and cowgirl boots-- that I wasn't going to make it in this world on looks alone. I wasn't going to eyelash-bat my way into one of those sweet non-job jobs, like reality show hostess or Sprint Cup Victory Lane applauder or Vice President, and with this face I certainly wasn't going to marry into a Scrooge McDuck-style money vault. And so the determination to develop some sort of salable skill was imprinted upon me in grade school. And yet, I wound up... an English major, the job prospects for which were so low that I found myself applying for stipends in... Historian World. I confess I don't know where to go from here. Philosophy tax rebate? Late Mesopotamian Graffiti grant?
- I do hope all of you took note of the major historic baseball news out of the American League over the weekend, which was, needless to say, that our Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major caught a foul ball at an Indians game, and, despite an immediate Facebook-issued order from Josh Halter The Supposedly Subdued, he did not return it from whence it came. Where were you and what were you doing as you felt the Earth tilt on its very axis as this Kracken-sized Drum Major rift split the continents and roiled the seas?
- Speaking of Ohio: As you are well aware, nearly every single social interaction I undertake ends in abject social humiliation. This was no different here in Massachusetts, where on my second day in town I horrified people by being polite:
ME: Hi. Can I please speak to a customer sales associate?
THREE EMPLOYEES CLUSTERED BEHIND THE CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK, IN NO WAY SERVICING CUSTOMERS: (stunned silence. One slowly lowers an iPhone, one stares as though the Kool-Aid Man has preceded me through an enormous pitcher-sized hole in the wall, and one turns by degrees from a television set anchored to the wall with a burning, focused gaze, as Super Bowl quarterbacks do when first presented at the top of the pre-game show.)
FIRST EMPLOYEE: I'm... sorry?
SECOND EMPLOYEE: That is the nicest way I have ever heard anyone say anything. I mean... wow.
ME: ...I'm from Ohio.
THIRD EMPLOYEE: Oh. Wow.
- Founding Family Fact of the Day: Abigail Adams, as she and her daughter Nabby boarded a ship to Europe to join John Adams there, had among her belongings... a cow. A. Cow. Let us bow our heads and contemplate the regulations the TSA might attach to someone trying to cram a cow into one of those little conveyor-belt bins.
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Reader Comments (30)
CHOWDAH!
He willed that ball unto himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"non-job jobs"
Buck up! In a few years you'll be old enough to run for Congress!
All right, who's going to her reading on the 26th?
THE READER CAAAARRRRRR POOOOLLLLLL
Yip-yip-yaphank, it's a new post!
Ah yes, the Northeast, where not being flipped off is considered an act of great humanitarianism.
Pride of the Buckeyes... IN MY PANTS
##improvefilmtitlesbyaddinginmypants.
"I do hope all of you took note of the major historic baseball news out of the American League over the weekend"
hahahaha awesome
Good hands, Jason The Formerly Young!
"Let us bow our heads and contemplate the regulations the TSA might attach to someone trying to cram a cow into one of those little conveyor-belt bins."
And then you just know some a-hole is going to try to fit it in the overhead bin instead of pinktagging it.
"I do hope all of you took note of the major historic baseball news out of the American League over the weekend, which was, needless to say, that our Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major caught a foul ball at an Indians game"
Upstaging little punk.
"As you are well aware, nearly every single social interaction I undertake ends in abject social humiliation. "
Them's lotsa big words, missy.
Thanks MB... needed a smile this week... :/
Philosophy tax rebate? Late Mesopotamian Graffiti grant?
CA Department for the Prevention of Taxpayer Waste
"Pride of the Buckeyes... IN MY PANTS"
bwahahahahaha brilliant
"one slowly turns from a television set anchored to the wall with a burning, focused gaze, as Super Bowl quarterbacks do when first presented at the top of the pre-game show"
Why does no one want to film me doing that after I'm done filling out a TPS report?
Jason and all our DMs and band-to-be... if you're out there... thinking of & said a quick prayer for you over the past several days with the continuing bad news out of Ohio State. A difficult time for all of you I'm sure.
"had among her belongings... a cow."
Wow, and I thought I had it bad trying to pack up our SUV for a 4 hour drive to our vacation this year.
"Sprint Cup Victory Lane applauder"
Hey. That is very tough work. They have to stand there and smile and applaud all at the same time.
from whence it came
oooohhhh, Miss Historian Fancy Pants
Thanks MB... needed a smile this week... :/
FWIW, I'm impressed with Fickell. So far anyway.
THE READER CAAAARRRRRR POOOOLLLLLL
+infinity
Nobody ask the author how to get there, though.
"Where were you and what were you doing as you felt the Earth tilt on its very axis as this Kracken-sized Drum Major rift split the continents and roiled the seas?"
oh is that what it was
RE: Ohio State problems
Hmmmmmm. So if The Drum Major Formerly Known As Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major was awesome at the halftime of a bowl game which was won but now is not won....
Never mind, my head hurts.
"I knew from a painfully early age--the day I was mistaken for a boy at the Denver International Airport in my bowl haircut and cowgirl boots-- that I wasn't going to make it in this world on looks alone."
THIS. EXPLAINS. SO. MUCH.
I don't know what, exactly. But it sounds important, amIright, R in Rochester?
Oh boy:
"High-kicking walls in preparation for strut lessons with Alexander Neffenger. My next door neighbor is slightly less pumped about the whole thing."
This. Will. Be. Awesome.
<3 happy anniversary Tink and the Pilot <3
Why. Are. We. All. Talking. Like. This.
"Upstaging little punk."
lol
That Masachusetts story had me rolling. I remember doing that polite thing in New Jersey. I held open the door for a little old lady and I had to explain that I was from Virginia before she would walk through. I guess she thought i was setting some sort of trap for her.
If this was in Jersey, she was probably terrified of you because you weren't in a mesh tee shirt and screaming obscenities; thus, she did not recognize you as a fellow member of the human race. #IGetAllMyInformationAboutNon-OhioansFromSouthPark