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Tuesday
Jul122011

"We Still Do a Few Things in Boston, Franklin."

Upon reaching Massachusetts Bay Colony:

  • I knew from a painfully early age--the day I was mistaken for a boy at the Denver International Airport in my bowl haircut and cowgirl boots-- that I wasn't going to make it in this world on looks alone.  I wasn't going to eyelash-bat my way into one of those sweet non-job jobs, like reality show hostess or Sprint Cup Victory Lane applauder or Vice President, and with this face I certainly wasn't going to marry into a Scrooge McDuck-style money vault.  And so the determination to develop some sort of salable skill was imprinted upon me in grade school.  And yet, I wound up... an English major, the job prospects for which were so low that I found myself applying for stipends in... Historian World.   I confess I don't know where to go from here.  Philosophy tax rebate?  Late Mesopotamian Graffiti grant?
  • I do hope all of you took note of the major historic baseball news out of the American League over the weekend, which was, needless to say, that our Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major caught a foul ball at an Indians game, and, despite an immediate Facebook-issued order from Josh Halter The Supposedly Subdued, he did not return it from whence it came.  Where were you and what were you doing as you felt the Earth tilt on its very axis as this Kracken-sized Drum Major rift split the continents and roiled the seas?
  • Speaking of Ohio:  As you are well aware, nearly every single social interaction I undertake ends in abject social humiliation.  This was no different here in Massachusetts, where on my second day in town I horrified people by being polite:

ME: Hi.  Can I please speak to a customer sales associate?

THREE EMPLOYEES CLUSTERED BEHIND THE CUSTOMER SERVICE DESK, IN NO WAY SERVICING CUSTOMERS:  (stunned silence.  One slowly lowers an iPhone, one stares as though the Kool-Aid Man has preceded me through an enormous pitcher-sized hole in the wall, and one turns by degrees from a television set anchored to the wall with a burning, focused gaze, as Super Bowl quarterbacks do when first presented at the top of the pre-game show.)

FIRST EMPLOYEE:  I'm... sorry?

SECOND EMPLOYEE:  That is the nicest way I have ever heard anyone say anything.  I mean... wow.

ME:  ...I'm from Ohio.

THIRD EMPLOYEE:  Oh.  Wow.

  • Founding Family Fact of the Day:  Abigail Adams, as she and her daughter Nabby boarded a ship to Europe to join John Adams there, had among her belongings... a cow.  A.  Cow.  Let us bow our heads and contemplate the regulations the TSA might attach to someone trying to cram a cow into one of those little conveyor-belt bins.

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