Vital Conversation
Tuesday, February 7, 2012 at 10:26PM In the previous post, we discovered that improper preparation for the deployment of a marching band results in loss of one of Earth's major elements for the surrounding population. Today we take on the somewhat less vital mater of acute human suffering.
I say this although I gots me a perfectly functional husband who showers regularly, does the laundry, and permits a fair amount of figure skating exhibitions on the DVR. He is an excellent Valentine. It doesn't make Valentine's Day any less of a minefield of misery and high-wire angst.
It is the fault of the fake conversation heart. For the want of a rival candy, Valentine's Day is a wreck of human misery, and such is the case whether you're married, single, or single-but-Facebook-status-yoked. For in the season, unlike any other, once is presented with the anguish concerning choosing the correct brand of candy hearts for self-consumption. Choose correctly, and one is rewarded with 60 crunchy calories of vividly tinted, delightfully balanced confection. Choose unwisely, and the unfortunate soul is doomed to a mouthful of tactically unappealing sugar-mush with the aftertaste of drywall and bitter regret.
Incorrect
After such a year of intense learning and increased enlightenment on the arts and human nature, I anticipated that my hard-won wisdom would lead to an increased ability to correctly identify the proper form of heart despite new packaging and an increased array of imposters to choose from. Alas-- I selected a purple heart, and rather than the veritable taste of violets, I instead consumed horror.
You win again, O pastel imposter, O darkness of the soul.
Reader Comments (18)
Similarly, with boxes of chocolate assortments, one is always wise to go with the Whitman's Sampler which comes with a chocolate guide. Go with Russel Stover and you're likely to anticipate the ecstasy of a chocolate covered caramel only to be met with the horror of milk chocolate tuna nougat surprise.
I demand to know how the current administration will address this problem.
I... kinda like the Brach's
(ducks)
At last, someone speaks for the common heart-consumer!
OK, this is funny, Miss Belle!
"Go with Russel Stover and you're likely to anticipate the ecstasy of a chocolate covered caramel only to be met with the horror of milk chocolate tuna nougat surprise."
Agreed, and well said!
"Today we take on the somewhat less vital mater of acute human suffering."
I don't know, that whole business of marching in a parade with no shower sounds kinda suffer-y for all involved.
Ewwwwwww, the fake ones are soooooooooo groooooooooooooossss!
The only thing worse than the small fake hearts is the big ones, with the wavy edges.
It's like eating colored chalk in slightly more interesting shapes.
I hold out for the ones with dirty comments on them.
"I hold out for the ones with dirty comments on them."
I think those are sold separately: http://tinyurl.com/8×8mb9z
Yay for Josh The Pilot! You get lots of husband points!
"milk chocolate tuna nougat surprise"
LOL, ask MB sometime about Trojan Chocolates. Liver and France is involved.
figure skating exhibitions
I get the feeling that this is not as dirty as it sounds, unfortunately.
Tink, I think you got the "right ones" but recipe has changed. Necco switched to a new kind of flavoring or something a couple years ago.
Agree with H.---the sweethearts are for some reason nasty-ass as of late
PREACH
Well, it could be worse...
Like, this
;)
Happy Consumerist Social Inadequacy Fest, kids :P