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Monday
Aug152011

Up Off the Couch

On the day of our wedding rehearsal dinner, Josh The Pilot and I sat side by side on a couch in my parents' condo.  We were, for some reason, sitting, not fighting, and alone.  It wouldn't last and we knew it. 

It was maybe a ninety second period between crises, I forget which one (the bridesmaid dress arriving from Hong Kong fourteen hours before the wedding?...  the run of programs which invited everyone to "the deception"?... there were so many, so very very many) and we needed to cleanse our very souls and maybe take a shower before the rehearsal.  

But first we had to get up off the couch.

"You do realize," I said, "that once we get up off the couch, this Happens."

"Yeah, well, that's kind of the point."

"I mean, we get up off of this couch, we cleanse our very souls, we go to the church, we start getting married."

"Good." 

"There will be no stopping it."

"Good!"

"Soon as we get off the couch.  Married life starts."

We got up off the couch, eventually, but I am telling you:  that minute and a half, the decision point, the pause before the whole Life-Changing Thing... that cut through the inevitably of the whole smash and forced me to acknowledge my own hands on the steering wheel.  So it was today when I wheeled a duffel bag out of our Mobile home and into the car which took me to the airplane which took me to Charlotte which took me to Cincinnati which will take me to several weeks in Columbus, TBDBITL chasing. 

"Don't be scared," Josh said as he dropped me off.  "You're going to do some great writing.  Don't be afraid of yourself."

Which is, I suppose, the crux of it-- both the hesitation in rising from the couch as well as making with the Great Rolling of the Duffel Bag.  It's not the event itself that's terrifying; it's how I will perform at it, after it, because of it.  How much fail, how much win?  What if I just wind up at the end of this whole process screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!" at Judge Judy? 

I think it's worth finding out.

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