Unwritten
Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 12:20AM Previously on Alex Who Talks Real Pretty Takes a Wife:
- Alex Who Talks Real Pretty... takes a wife
- He then commits the error of linking to his online wedding album. There is much shrieking.
- Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major confirms the popular notion that I am, in fact, doing it wrong. Everything. Wrong.
Amongst the recent torrent of life-related intelligence from Alex Who Talks Real Pretty, it was suggested to me that perhaps the better match for writing this book would have been him as head Drum Major, rather than Jason The Ridiculously Awesome. I could not disagree more, and the reason is perhaps that Alex and I agree too much. You see, children, sometimes, when two English majors share a mental space, the result is not better-chosen words... just more of them. This makes for delightful one AM phone calls and a fine Hhhhhhaaaavaaaard cocktail party but a fairly crap-ass book.
An Alex-driven book would come out the other end as far too elliptical. I would, all bad prequel Star Wars-like, assume too much and write too abstractly. The publisher would have no choice but to include a photograph of the two of us in a mahogany-choked room with me draped on a Victorian settee in yards and yards and yards of petticoats, with Alex in a smoking jacket and his baton propped against a far, far corner of the wall. I'm not disputing the fact that it would be an astronomically awesome book cover, mind you, but the book itself would rapidly become an insufferable Tennyson-pockmarked horror show. I would, at some point, likely use the word "bedewed."
I sometimes have a habit of beginning conversations in the middle of the intellectual desert, assuming that the other party is leaning back on the same palm tree. Throughout the course of my life, I have met exactly two people who actually are. One of them is Carah The BFFE, and our conversations sound like this:
ME: I feel like it's almost the same as that time when...
CARAH: Exactly.
ME: But not so.... you know...
CARAH: Mmmm-hmmmm. And when--
ME: Oh please don't mention that.
CARAH:
ME: Shut up.
Jason, on the other hand, makes me accountable. Prompted by my inability to explain myself, I have garnered several "Say what now?"s, at least two "WTF"s, and, at one point, a broken-sounding "I am confused." He is not alone, poor traveller; but the conversations I have in this vein are also rare--and it tends to be with the people I have formed the fastest-bonding, most emotionally honest, longest-lasting friendships. I think it's because we are sympatico in other ways and on many other topics, and so I easily assume that we're sharing a seat on the same roller coaster, when unbeknownst to me he jumped off thirty seconds ago in the middle of the double-helix and is standing in the Icee line. In a different amusement park. In another country. On the opposite hemisphere.
Given what I can discern from our conversations, Jason thinks like who he is: An intelligent, left-brained, detail-oriented, action-driven alpha -- but then there's this creative streak which renders him dangerously and marvellously uncategorizable. It's like God got done making him, stepped back, and said, "There! No... wait. You know what, while bowling, he should turn around after strikes, throw his arms out, and sink slowly to the floor while taunting his enemies and assorted haters," and then flicked the embryo accordingly.
I rather like this about Jason. It means that he refuses to snap into place like a Tab A, Slot B personality, and those people, although they plod admirably through rush hour each morning with the weight of the world on their Kias, aren't going to catch your attention from Row 95 Billion, Section 75, Seat ZZ of Ohio Stadium.
In terms of Drum Major performance, he is the perfectly legitimate love child of Josh Halter and Stewart Kitchen--a traditionally and dynamically tuned, second-nature twirling machine who throws spectacular tricks with one hand while keeping a steady hand on the rudder of the Band with the other. Alex, on the other hand, has several times described himself to me as a bedrock of consistency, the last of the "power Drum Majors" whose imposing frame and almighty yard-eating strut made the opposing team draw back a bit from the sidelines: If this is their marching band, what's the football team like?
And so I have much to learn from Alex-- as an alum, as one who has seen his era end and reached into the next. I need him to tell me what that was like, and I need him to put it in a way another English major can understand. But Jason's story, while issuing from my keyboard, must come through him and him alone: Left-brained, detail-oriented, and utterly, swervingly streaky.
I am told that alum Drum Major Matt Bally says that "The right person is always the Drum Major"-- meaning that if it's time for the perfectly legitimate love child of Josh Halter and Stewart Kitchen, then it's time for the perfectly legitimate love child of Josh Halter and Stewart Kitchen. That goes for the style of the program, the personality of the Band, the leadership watermark of the Drum Major... and the author of the book.
As in the American Revolution and the day man landed on the Moon, everyone is exactly where they should be. With perhaps somewhat less dramatic, world-shaking results, maybe.
But not by much.
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Reader Comments (74)
"the perfectly legitimate love child of Josh Halter and Stewart Kitchen"
Jason The Formerly Young has paperwork to that effect, I assume-- otherwise, he is Constitutionally ineligible to be Drum Major.
This is lovely, Mary Beth.... thank you. It's so interesting to know what you're thinking about as you get to know these guys.
I LOVE that description of God creating Jason.
LOVE IT.
Hey... Kia's rock!
Alex in a smoking jacket and his baton leaning against a far, far corner of the wall
poster-sized please
"There! No... wait. You know what, while bowling, he should turn around after strikes, throw his arms out, and sink slowly to the floor while taunting his enemies,"
HILARIOUS
Mary Beth,
In some ways posts like this are my favorites. They are amusing but not out and out "funny" like some of the others but they show more than the others how intelligent you are. They are more think pieces. I think it's here where your insight, affection, understanding, and spirituality really shine through.
Both Jason The Awesome and Alex Who Talks etc are very blessed to have you in their lives. You show here very obviously that you cherish both for who they are. It's heartwarming to see how much you care about people you didn't even know a few months ago.
"while bowling, he should turn around after strikes, throw his arms out, and sink slowly to the floor while taunting his enemies"
hahahaha can't you just see him doing this?!
"last of the "power Drum Majors" whose imposing frame and almighty yard-eating strut made the opposing team draw back a bit from the sidelines: If this is their marching band, what's the football team like?"
If I were Mr. 54 I'd have this printed on my business cards. Wow.
hahahaha can't you just see him doing this?!
Yes I can.
And that is why MB is so good at what she does. As we discussed on another post (the one where they were sitting and watching ESPN together I think) she really shows that Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major is not just THE OHIO STATE DRUM MAJOR. She sees the whole person, Jason, and she is trying to get to know that person, and she's letting us in on who she sees. She understands that it's a mix of what we do and say and think that what makes us who we are, not just a position or stock answers to the same questions over and over.
Thank you for taking the time and caring enough to do that MB. The DMs are people not just icons.
Thank you for taking the time and caring enough to do that MB. The DMs are people not just icons.
oh, I didn't understand why that passage about the bowling made me laugh and kind of tear up at the same time. Now I do :)
great post !
"Throughout the course of my life, I have met exactly two people who actually are. One of them is Carah The BFFE, "
So who is the other one?
double-helix
Roller coaster/DNA
I see what you did there Miss Tink!!
So who is the other one?
Flip, The Official of Legal Counsel of BlondeChampagne. College buddy. Old-timers know him :)
dynamically tuned
Oh boy! The Post of Metal is nigh!
As in the American Revolution and the day man landed on the Moon, everyone is exactly where they should be. With perhaps somewhat less dramatic, world-shaking results, maybe. But not by much
Well. As long we we're not being overly dramatic.
It's like God got done making him, stepped back and... then flicked the embryo accordingly.
So this happened when, last week?
I eagerly await He Who Talks Real Pretty's input.
is standing in the Icee line
Icees FTW
An intelligent, left-brained, detail-oriented, action-driven alpha
Thisrighthere ties in with what we were discussing on the last post. We all know that Aunt Beth don't hang around no idiots. She wouldn't be doing the book, at least from this angle, if Jason Stuckert couldn't hold up his end of a conversation-- or at least bluffs very, very well that he can.
So who is the other one? Flip, The Official of Legal Counsel of BlondeChampagne. College buddy. Old-timers know him :)
FLIP!
I hope he shows up in the Tasting Room sometime.
"Bedewed" sounds hella-dirty.
It's like God got done making him, stepped back, and said, "There! No... wait. You know what, while bowling, he should turn around after strikes, throw his arms out, and sink slowly to the floor while taunting his enemies," and then flicked the embryo accordingly.
I submit that lines like these are what separates MB from 99.99 percent of other writers. The rest of the world would be all, "Bowling with Jason is fun. Here's his victory celebration, which serves as a stand-in for a personality characteristic!" Our Belle? Brings God and embryos into the equation.
Show don't tell ;)
"power Drum Majors"
This is actually kind of mindblowing. So if Jason, Josh, and Stew AREN'T power drum majors, then what IS? Did Alex and all who were pre-Alex have Uzis?
I eagerly await He Who Talks Real Pretty's input.
+1
"One of them is Carah The BFFE, and our conversations sound like this:"
LOL this is totally how I sound with my own BFFE :)
no pictures with this one? so sad.
"If this is their marching band, what's the football team like?"
Well-tattooed.
(...sorry.)
So if Jason, Josh, and Stew AREN'T power drum majors, then what IS? Did Alex and all who were pre-Alex have Uzis?
Jason's self-confessed Drum Major weight: 140 lbs (although while he was being measured for his uniform, he weighed in at 150.... but, like a guy, he was fully clothed, IN JEANS, and didn't even throw his keys on the floor)
Alex's self-confessed Drum Major weight: >140, pure muscle and umbrage
POWER Drum Major.
Hey Gang,
Well, this blog post is quite the surprise!
Firstly, to all the Jason lovers out there, I do want to be clear. I have not and will not ever express any interest in being the focal point of a literary work based on the Drum Major position. I may someday include a few chapters in my personal memoirs later in life, but understand that my time has passed. I enjoy advising, guiding, coaching, and inspiring the current and future DM's, but it has not and will not ever be about the "glory" or "compensation" (of which there is none). I don't even charge students for private lessons, because its my goal for OSU to have the best DM possible and my "payment" is the fact that someone wants to keep the position and band that I care about as a unique, elite, talking point.
So again, for those pushing for some sort of 54 related material, thank you, but understand that it should only come from experiences which are relevant to Jason and Kyle. I did after all have my time and was even the subject of a documentary titled: Pride of the Buckeyes.
Disclaimer aside, MB is too kind when describing the weight difference between Jason and Myself.
I will happily self disclose a more accurate weight with my observation.
Jason -> 140 soaking wet; fast, agile, strong
Alex -> 235 when I was DM; Not as Fast, Not as Agile, VERY STRONG.
I can't speak for an era, but Eric and I had a very similar shape and style. We were big guys, with a strong strut and huge tosses. We weren't as gymnastic, but we were known to do a cartwheel now and again at key moments in shows. Drum Majors do come in all shapes and sizes it just seems that over the last 6 years it has been a very similar look/style to the kids.
Well that will do for now,
I still cannot get over people requesting stories about me... you have possibly the greatest DM of all time in Jason right now. Pay attention and don't miss out on him! The guy is amazing and is a true leader off the field. There is so much more than performing for an OSU DM and Jason has it all and does it well. Trust me, as an Alum I know what I'm talking about. Its like the cars in Men in Black 2.
Old and busted.... new hotness!
Make the right choice folks, its Jason's time.
54
"If this is their marching band, what's the football team like?"
Well-tattooed.
...OK that's funny right there.
"Jason's self-confessed Drum Major weight: 140 lbs"
WHAT. That better be a typo.
there is no way I weigh more than him! No! Way!
"Jason's self-confessed Drum Major weight: 140 lbs"
Oh c'mon. No way that guy chucks the baton the way he does weighing * 140 *.
Come on!
He does!
(runs and takes cover from all female The Readers stomping through the thread and slamming doors because Jason weighs less than they do)
Hi 54,
Well I think "Pride of the Buckeyes" (which is AWESOME btw) is way different from what's happening here. I don't even remember if that had much of the Alumni Game in it....? Been a while. Anyway, that was more of an objective look at the whole band and I think MB's goal is more literary and subjective. Don't you stop commenting!
oh Alex, as I told my son when we let him know he was going to be a big brother... just because you love more than one person doesn't mean the love itself is divided. Fret not. None of us see this as a choice between you and Our Jason. We just so enjoy getting to know ALL our dms!
He does!
Shut up MB, just because YOU weigh nothing close to 140.... !
Jason weighs Not 140. That is all.
you have possibly the greatest DM of all time in Jason right now. Pay attention and don't miss out on him!
....You're new here, aren't you? ; )
For serious though, I think whoever said that to Mary Beth meant it as "Oh you're both language-oriented, wouldn't it be nice to have another English major to work with," not necessarily as a personal decision to be made between you and Jason. Don't sweat it, nobody sees it that way. We're pathetically interested in all you guys.
"WHAT. That better be a typo."
+140
Why can't I find "Pride of the Buckeyes" on Amazon? : (
just because you love more than one person doesn't mean the love itself is divided. Fret not.
This and then this some more. Honestly, learning about 54 doesn't one bit detract from 57, I promise!!!!!
Oh c'mon. No way that guy chucks the baton the way he does weighing * 140 *.
Maybe his arms weigh 50 lbs each?
Where can I see Pride of the Buckeyes? It's not showing up online?
Alex, bud, lemmie talk ya down here. We know you're not out for compensation and by now we are all aware of the huge HUGE amount of work that goes into being a DrumMajor. And like the others have said we are all just fascinated by all of this and love to see how MB writes about what you guys do, ALL OF YOU. Understandably Jason is going to be the focus when the DrumMajor is discussed but you are part of the reason that he is where he is if MB is describing it right (and I think she is.) So really, hearing stories about you does not detract at all from this season, if anything we appreciate it more because we know more about the history.
Kick back, crack open a cold one, and let the pretty blonde girl type nice things about you. (You too, Jason, if you're reading this. Only your cold one will be an Icee apparently.)
but Alex, if I may-- I really don't think there is any danger of you elbowing Jason out. The book is about the whole band, with the DM as the pivot/focal point. Belle has said that what is here on BlondeChampagne is not the book but notes for the book. And she knows we all have an endless appetite for hearing about our beloved DMs and you are kind enough to answer our questions and share great pictures and memories. Besides I think it's clear that she just likes to talk to you. So of course you are going to be discussed!
I'm with the others, don't worry! And yes PLEASE do stay here! Our Tasting Room is very much your Tasting Room!
"Oh you're both language-oriented, wouldn't it be nice to have another English major to work with," not necessarily as a personal decision to be made between you and Jason
That's how I read it. Stay seated, Alex Who Talks Real Pretty, and let us refill your glass.
"Make the right choice folks, its Jason's time."
Why does it have to be a choice? We are impressed by all the DMs and want to know all about all of you and about TBDBITL! You are part of the story. Jason is part of the story. Stew, Kyle, The Badass, and Josh are all part of the story. The book will shake out as it's supposed to. Trust Mary Beth to pick and choose what is best for it. In the meantime, we just want to hear as much as we can about this awesome program :)
The more OSUMB, the better!