The Race is On
Tuesday, October 18, 2011 at 10:13PM Previously on Endless Summer Marching:
- Many are called. Few are crossbelted.
- Loud things are loud, and stuff.
- If Claudia The Campus Sister had been present on the Titanic, it would have been the mellowest shipwreck ever.
At the moment, my mother and I have matching wardobes, but her hospital gown is a delightful fabric print, while mine is a more sedate wood pulp green. I offer my arm to the nurse with a blood pressure cuff and submit to the novelty of being on the opposite side of a bunch of personal questions.
"You're here for a physical? Are you having any symptoms?"
"Occasional headaches during stress."
"Do you take recreational drugs?"
"No."
"Particpate in sexual activity with multiple partners?"
"...I'm Catholic."
"Drink alcohol?"
"Not nearly enough, apparently."
She put the chart away, for now it was time for the medical delight of patient cocktail party chatter. "So what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a writer."
"Oh! And what do you write about?"
"Right now I'm working on a book about Ohio State's marching band."
"I just love to watch them dot that i." She stripped the cuff off and studied the readout. "You're way too young to have blood pressure this elevated."
"I can't imagine where that comes from."
"Let me get your pulse. Do you go to the football games?"
I held out my wrist. "Yes, and every rehearsal I can."
"You see them dot that i?"
"I see them dot the i."
"Oh, that's exciting, right?"
I answered in as much personal detail as I could to a person seeing me in a garment constructed entirely of paper. Suddenly she dropped my wrist.
"Your heartrate," she said, "is blowing right through the roof. Like you're running or something. You sit there and think about puppies and kittens for a minute, and we'll try this again, and then I don't want to hear one single word about sousaphones, or drum majors, or whatever you called it, The Regiment. You got that?"
"Got it."
She left and I leaned back to stare at the ceiling and contemplate more boring things, such as thermonuclear war.
Today's Tasting Room Musical Note is sponsored by life trackside:
Reader Comments (12)
Hilarious.
Lay off the double espressos, Belle.
So all those laps you did with D Row this summer were really just cardio training for talking about the band.
"The Regiment
El Regimento, get it right, lady
You sit there and think about puppies and kittens for a minute
Or honey badgers, honey badgers are very soothing.
See THIS is why I don't go to the doctor (unless my wife makes me), all they tell you is bad stuff.
"Your cholesterol is too high."
"Probably because I know that calories and fat are a measure of how good something tastes?"
"Your blood pressure is too high."
"Oh that's just because I want to do something unspeakable to you with your own stethoscope. C'mere for a sec."
Then it just goes downhill from there...
"Then it just goes downhill from there..."
LOL, getting old suuuuuuuuucks....
"El Regimento"
That's what they play when they spell Ohio in Spanish.
"Probably because I know that calories and fat are a measure of how good something tastes?"
ROTF, that's how I look at it!
"Lay off the double espressos, Belle."
Yeah, back it down to a latte + extra espresso shot.
pointyhead The Reader, are you sure you aren't my husband? Always a battle to get him into the doctors office for exactly that reason!
"Are you having any symptoms?"
"Is band-chasing a sign of something serious?"