Precisely My Cup of Tea
Thursday, July 28, 2011 at 10:59PM
Previously on Dynamic Word Tuning With Alex Neffenger and Friends:
- Jason Stuckert is the perfectly legitimate love child of Josh Halter and Stewart Kitchen
- Jason, while bowling, turns around after strikes, throws his arms out, and sinks slowly to the floor while taunting his enemies and assorted haters
- I have resolved, while writing this book, never to use the word "bedewed."
When I attended Drum Major tryouts in May, I sat/stood/paced/puked behind a pretty dark-haired lady and a rather tight knot of people who clapped very loudly for one contestant--one of the few I hadn't already met and properly traumatized, BlondeChampagne-style, with many hugs and crying. I couldn't discern which member of D-Row they belonged to, as I was otherwise occupied with admiring the hairbun-creation skills of Claudia The Campus Sister, gently but lovingly slapping JD Who Gots Game across the face, and not watching eventual victor Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major drop the occasional practice toss.
There were times when I couldn't look directly at whoever was performing, which meant it was stare at the ground or leave, and I'd already paid up on the parking, so I stared at the ground. At a set of keys on a Lakewood High School lanyard-- the alma mater of Josh Halter The Supposedly Subdued. The mental puzzle pieces still failed to assemble.
In fact they failed to do so until after I learned who would be serving as Jason's assistant, taking the place of Matt The Badass as Chief of Pretty Much Never Filling In For Jason On Saturday. The little crowd in front of me burst into great cheers, the pretty lady dialed her cell phone and cried "Kyle just got assistant!" into it, and one of the members of the knot said to her, "Well, happy birthday, Mom!" And then I realized something that had been obvious all along: Claudia's hair is thicker than mine, which makes it way easier to bun up.
I must cop to the fact that, obviously worthy as Kyle is, my reaction to his elevation from former D-Rower to Assistant was, to be honest, "...Oh." And I don't mean "...Oh" in a knowledge-gaining way, as when Jason explains certain mysteries of Drum Major life such as where he ices down his legs on game days or why he hates twirling to slow music or why we mustn't fall into walls. It was the "...Oh" of social panic. I was grappling with utterly self-destructive task of meeting an entirely new person, one who had to find me, at minimum, tolerable if the football season is going to be any kind of comfortable.
Also one who knew more about me than I knew about him. "I know who you are," Kyle West said, shaking my hand two days later in the bowels of Ohio Stadium. "I've seen you around."
...Oh.
Kyle then resumed the posture he'd originally held, which was sitting on a low-backed chair, one leg balanced over the other, fingers laced behind his head. I clasped my hands against the skirt behind me and, pretty much against my will, stared at him. At times, but only when publicly functioning as Drum Major Lord And Master, Jason sits exactly like this. In my entire life, I have seen this posture-- one so stereotypically SuperAlpha that even Hollywood is loathe shortcut to it-- exhibited by exactly two groups of people: Ohio State Drum Majors, and astronauts. This guy, even on a subconscious, how-do-you-do level, was serious.
He was smiling, but it was this utterly unreadable half-smile which could have meant anything from "I see how barely competent you are, as a human being, but because I'm a nice guy I'm not going to necessarily say anything about it" to "I am humoring y
ou so that you don't flash-boil and eat my pets." I told Kyle that I was looking forward to getting to know him (true) and that I would completely leave him out of this book if he so wished (also true) and that I just knew that someday very soon we were going to sit down to a nice, relaxing conversation, one involving a balmy spring evening, rustic Adirondack chairs, and baring our souls (not... quite as true.) I spoke quickly, voice canted to a near-countertenor pitch, and all the while there sat Kyle, clasping and half-smiling as the beta display reeled out.
Quite literally without moving a finger, the guy owned me, and--here's the thing-- he was owning without malice or chauvinistic aggression. He simply sat there, owning. The Owning Aura was just as much a part of him as his inescapably impressive biceps. Which he also Owns.
Point of comparison: On the evening I met The Badass, we parted on such hearty good terms that he slung an arm around my shoulders as I kissed his cheek. But it was quite clear that there wasn't going to be any touching of Kyle unless the room we were currently occupying suddenly burst into flames and he had to pick me up off the floor from a dead faint, and even that wasn't going happen unless Jason was not only somehow also passed out, but with all four arms and legs compound-fractured in multiple places.
"I thought that went well," I said brightly to Jason later as he, driven by pity and necessity rather than feminine charm-inspired to chivalry, escorted me out of the stadium. "It went well, didn't it? I like Kyle. I mean, I was totally nervous, but I really do like him. Do you think he likes me? Or, at least, he doesn't hate me, does he? Or at least the hatred was minimal, right? Right?"
The Head Drum Major smiled gently at me, the same benevolent, custodial smile I bestow upon my little nephews when they manage to use a fork without incident, and guided me into my car. "Bye, MB."
The next time I saw Kyle, this happened. I was kneeling on a row of bowling alley chairs under the influence of driving exhaustion and the slurrical shots-buying power of Alex Who Talks Real Pretty, yelling questions at him about baton balance and his declared major and in general creating my usual magnificent impression.
Kyle, meanwhile, politely answered me without the medicinal benefit of an Alex shot. Kyle didn't even leave the ball return machine, so intent was he on Owning everyone and everything within a fifteen-mile radius. And again: He wasn't constructing an anti-social lashout, to dwell so fixedly near the closest point of battle-- quick-stepping down the lane, choosing his angle of attack without commentary or hesitation. It was just Kyle, bowling. He is; he Owns.
Thus was the sum of our interaction as I stood next to the 2011 Assistant Drum Major on the Fake Grass Field of Summer Sessions. This time, for the first time, I was quiet, and Kyle was talking.
He was talking to the freshest of the fresh recruits. They hadn't so much as touched a baton before. Far across the field, Jason was slapping out a cadence as a rising Ohio State freshman practiced the ramp entrance; behind us, Josh patiently coaxed an eighth-grader into holding her baton so that it tumbled properly through her fingers. The sun crouched at a low June angle, and the occasionally high-tossed baton flashed orange and rose-gold as it arced overhead.
Kyle was explaining the intricacies of marching "8-to-5"-- crossing five yards in eight steps. The foot is angled like this, and the knee should be held like that. His charges watched, copied, turned, repeated, and stared at their feet, the white lines rushing up and receding at an uneven pace.
"No," Kyle said, not unkindly. It's like this. But you guys were doing this.
They gazed at his shoes, tried again, spun around. Better. But still, no. Kyle repeated the demonstration.
"Hold your feet up," he said. "Let me see the angle." He walked person to person, pointing with his baton, gently nudging ankles and toes into position, and then demonstrated yet again.
"Try it." Five paces behind them, I obediently raised my toes in the air, the automatic reaction of a trail filly's hoof tugged at by a farrier. More nudging from Kyle, then he lined them up once more.
"Ready?" he said. They nodded.
"Tap, tap, tap." He cruised backwards, the little line of three straggling about a second and a half behind, none of them matching his pace or even one another's.
"Wait."
The sets of battered tennis shoes halted.
"Here at Ohio State," Kyle said, "that's how we start a drill. And that's how you'll start. That's how we establish the beat, okay? It's tap, tap, tap. All right?"
Three nods.
"So. Tap, tap, tap."
They took off correctly this time, with Kyle, mostly with one another. I put my foot down, slowly resting the toe on the warm rubber pellets.
"Okay. That was better."
Hands clasped behind me again, I edged over to Kyle as he sent his little group off to rest for a moment.
"Thank you for letting me watch," I said finally, in even tones, examining the pellets. "You're a terrific teacher."
"Rest one," some C-Row flugelhorn candidates hollered directly behind us. Otherwise it was quiet. Kyle's baton was stationary, supported under his arm.
"Oh-- thanks."
"They know so much more now than they did half an hour ago. And so do I. They're lucky to start off with you." I glanced over at Jason, who was crossing the field to join us as the three newbies put down their water bottles and began straggling back over.
I looked at Kyle, full-on, and saw him with a smile.
This one I could read.
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Reader Comments (88)
KYLE...!
This is amazing, Mary Beth. He's a secret sweetheart under all that Owning, isn't he?!
Ooooh, and pictures!
Yum. Yep, he's a Drum Major ;)
Finally the elusive Mr. West.
I like him too, MB.
"Precisely My Cup of Tea"
From that song "Getting To Know You," right? Which is sung by the teacher in The King And I.
Great headline.
The writing about Kyle is completely different than it is about Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major Rogue Warrior.... just like your relationships are different. Kyle sounds cool and I look forward to seeing how his season unfolds!
That second picture is AMAZING. Great shot of all three of you!
wow Kyle Who Owns is taller than Our Jason!
MB you are going to love game day so much. ALL the girls wear their hair in buns :)
~Claudia
But are their buns as awesome as your bun?
This? Is awesome. Glad to finally meet the second-in-command, the intriguing Mr. Kyle.
I want to be Owned by Kyle!!!!!
The Head Drum Major smiled gently at me, the same benevolent, custodial smile I bestow upon my little nephews when they manage to use a fork without incident, and guided me into my car. "Bye, MB."
bwahahahahaha.... GOLD. This book could be 500 pages of MB And Jason The Awesome Sit And Watch Paint Dry and I'd want an autographed first-edition on acid free paper. Can't get enough of these two together.
Ohio State Drum Majors, and freaking astronauts
Somehow this does not surprise me.
Hi Kyle! Looking forward to more epic tales of you owning things!
The smaller the moment, the more vivid it is. Nice read.
It's really cool how Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major Formerly Known As Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major anchors various points in the post. He's a point of contrast and it's BRILLIANT how MB namechecks him at the end-- he (representing the Band as a whole) is what MB and Kyle have in common. They will build from there because they both obviously honor TBDBITL.
Also Kyle is quite badass himself!
Kyle Who Owns
well that was fast
On the evening I met The Badass, we parted on such hearty good terms that he slung an arm around my shoulders as I kissed his cheek.
Wait.
....WHAT?!!?!?!
"wow Kyle Who Owns is taller than Our Jason!"
So noted. His body type looks more like the "power drummajor" that 54 was describing in the last thread.
Kyle! Yay!
While it's obvious that Miss Belle truly does like Kyle and appreciates what he is bringing to the job of Assistant Drum Major, what I liked most about this is that she did not immediately "click" with him as she obviously did with Our Jason and the others. I thought that was very realistic and honest of her. She realized that she had to see him in different situations and interactions. It's obvious how important it is that she connect with the Band and that all the relationships will be different.
"On the evening I met The Badass, we parted on such hearty good terms that he slung an arm around my shoulders as I kissed his cheek."
hahahahaha lovin' on DM's FTW
Did I mention that I'm a shoulder girl...?
LIKE
Another terrific guy in the pantheon
Kyle Who Owns
this, or The Secret Sweetheart
Jason The Ridiculously Awesome One's expression in that picture is great.
From that song "Getting To Know You," right? Which is sung by the teacher in The King And I.
Which is now in my head for the rest of the day. THANKS, Tink.
"wow Kyle Who Owns is taller than Our Jason!"
And his baton is longer.
Ahem.
If you ask me (and of course no one did) this post says just as much as it does about The Fair Webmistress as it does about Kyle Who Owns. She didn't make a flash judgement based on their first meeting and instead thought about different ways to connect with him. Finally she realized to just ease off and observe for a while. This was a really interesting "human interest" mini-drama.
(rubbing hands together)
Interesting.
What I like about this is that it seems like for the first time we have a literal snapshot of a moment Mary Beth describes to us. I think it's safe to assume it's at the moment MB was recounting in the end of the post, especially as she & Kyle are directly facing one another w/his baton under his arm (which indicates he was not just immediately twirling) & it seems like Jason is a latecomer to the conversation.
Look at how she & Jason are mirroring one another's body language-- one hand on the hip, heads slightly tilted towards one another. To use her word, simpatico. Very classic for people who are emotionally in tune (no surprise there). But what's REALLY interesting is Kyle's posture-- feet pointed towards MB (the feet never lie & are almost always in the direction of the party of interest), w/ his weight shifted in her direction. It looks very much like is interested in what she's been saying & you will note his whole body is turned towards her, not the Head Drum Major. In other words, being open to her. It is not an alpha position like he was sitting in earlier.
Again this is just a second & I might be misreading this from another time in the evening but still, VERY interesting.
Dr. R up in da house!!!
And, Miss Belle, if I may say-- rocket little hourglass bod you got there. NICE
"I want to be Owned by Kyle!!!!!"
+1
It's a show don't tell special!
I gotta say this series is opening a fresh perspective for me. I played linebacker in college and to be honest, never thought of drum majors as athletes (if at all really). But in reading these articles, it seems that all the tools of an athlete are there: the confidence, the short memory of mistakes, playing through pain, leadership skills, all of that. Just because they don't squat 425 or run a 4.5 40 doesn't mean that, mentally at least, they can't match up with any of the guys that wear the 40s and 50s on their jerseys. Thanks MB for the insights!
Very sweet of you to say, pointyhead--thanks so much.
I hope Alex Who Talks Real Pretty drops in the thread, I would bet he knows Kyle pretty well and besides his comments are always great.
"I played linebacker in college"
pointyhead is a POWER THE READER!
Notice that she summarized the other conversations and slowed down to give all the details of Kyle Who Owns being a great teacher. She lets us discover along with her that he is a guy worth getting to know and he has a lot to give to OSUMB.
"I hope Alex Who Talks Real Pretty drops in the thread"
+infinity
Also we are extremely curious as to the extent of this whole cheek-kissing business.
another vote for Kyle Who Owns
Also we are extremely curious as to the extent of this whole cheek-kissing business.
she's kissed Jason, you know she's kissed Jason
One of the many perks of being the Head Man.
oh man where's this going
I think she's also kissed Alex Who Talks Real Pretty, due to his very impressive game
and JD, she feels comfy around JD
There is no way The Formerly Young hasn't gotten some (polite, chaste) action at some point.
"I think she's also kissed Alex Who Talks Real Pretty, due to his very impressive game"
I know I would.
My pool entry:
KISSED:
Matt The Badass (given)
Jason The Ridiculously Awesome
54
Stew
NOT YET:
Kyle
JD
David Who Got Her Purse
Nate Who Ignores Her
NO IDEA:
The Supposedly Subdued One
IF WE ARE ALL VERY, VERY LUCKY:
Claudia The Campus Sister
IF WE ARE ALL VERY, VERY LUCKY:
Claudia The Campus Sister
If this happens I will declare Blonde Champagne the best site in THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET
She has not kissed Prof Halter. He's too tall.
oh man where's this going
Nowhere good.
Sign me up.
I would put Kitchen in the "not kissed" pile. She does not write about him in a personal way like the others.
She has not kissed Prof Halter. He's too tall.
I was just coming here to disagree about JD for the same reason.