Oh, You Thought You Were Safe?

Yes, I know. 

All of you remind me of Sam The Baby Nephew standing worriedly at the window, pointing with great emotion and fear at the landscaper standing about 50 yards away from the window, wailing with inconsolable dismay.  The comments have been temporarily shut down, and believe me, this hurts me a lot more than it hurts you, because I have to listen to all of you bitch. 

You know who this doesn't hurt? Jason The Drum Major, who just noticed, like, yesterday, and noticed because I told him about it.  So on the scale of Lives Being Affected, we have, in decreasing order of caringness:  Me... you guys... Jason... Paul Anka... the Dalai Lama. The Tasting Room will reopen, but it will reopen when I'm ready to reopen it, and really all you need to know about it right now is that the North Koreans are involved.  For the moment I'm all Bing Crosbying it like at end of Act II in Holiday Inn, shutting down my thriving nightclub/hotel/farm/talent showcase to sit and think, with only my Thanksgiving turkey and my horrifying racial stereotype of a kitchen maid to keep me company.

In any case, I have been assiduously reading your emails and popped into a The Reader chat or two, and rather than answer the same question 47,000 times I'm going to reproduce a few of the most popular here:

Where have you been?

Can't say.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, whatever.

What does Jason/Matt/Kyle/Josh/Stew/Alex/Claudia think of the whole OSU football scandal situation?

I haven't asked anybody about it yet.  It's not the type of conversation I prefer to have over the phone.  Also talking is not the type of thing I'd prefer to do with my phone.  When this is finally discussed with such deeply entrenched Buckeye fans, I expect shattered glass and yelling-- from me, anyway.  In any case, no one has really offered an opinion. I'm in Ohio now, and I suppose I'll gently maneuver various people into quiet corners and we'll all gesture wildly for a time, and then cry softly and hug it out.

I will say that Jason Stuckert could not possibly be handling this better as the public face of the band.  On Facebook he's been encouraging everyone to buy football tickets, assuring us all that the Band will win no matter what, and announcing that he can't wait for the season.  He has been genuine, upbeat, mature, realistic, and fully cognizant of his public responsibilities in this matter. Whereas I would have released a series of highly offensive YouTube videos featuring a Bugatti Veyron with temporary tags, a body covered in gold chains and henna, and the Drum Major hat perched on my lap with an enormous Price Is Right-style tag dangling from the brim.

This is why Jason has the job that he has and I am a freelance writer who mostly lives with her mother and fields emails about Paul Anka all day long.  If I were Jason, at this point I'd be pretty much using the hat as a holder for a great many recently filled airsickness bags.  Jason is instead Atlasing the rest of Buckeye Nation through this thing, him and his baton.

And I wish I could say that Josh Halter is in the meantime pondering the best time to announce his Presidential candidacy, but he's not returning my calls.

Now what?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Where's Stew Kitchen?

He can't say.

Can Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major have a new name?  For he is a man now, and deserving of a title befitting his new station as a returning Drum Major.

Given the fact that everyone pretty much hates their names expect for Matt The Badass, you may initiate a switch on the grounds that he also hates the new one.

When's your next reading?

Next month, probably, as part of my American Antiquarian Society fellowship.

Are you going to write more about tryouts?  And the Spring Game?  And the conversations you've been having?  And everything else you did on your last trip to Ohio?

(taps out more Tylenol) Eventually.

Are you sure everything's all right?

(taps out more crack) Eventually.