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« Recovery Room | Main | Bendable »
Tuesday
Jun162009

Notes on the Back of a Sandy Carnation

Through reunion, surgery, and painkillers, I’ve remained unspoiled on the Belmont until I could write about it.  So here we go in real time, complete with ice pack, elevated knee, and the blessed ability to ff the commercials.

-You know what, I could just watch Jerry Bailey yell via split screen at Calvin Borel all day long.

-Shot of Bob Baffert sitting in front of a wall of silks:  ‘If I could describe the Belmont in one word?  Long.”

-The host announces that “every possible angle is covered here today.”  I don’t believe him.  There is absolutely no explanation, for example, as to why Jeannie Edwards finds it perfectly fine to say the following about Mine That Bird:  “Nothing ruffles this bird’s feathers, but all the while, his connections are flying high, and they’re enjoying every minute of the ride.”

-Further discussion of New Mexico as the absolute end of the Earth, where they probably don’t even have frappuccinos, or soap.

-Calvin Borel in the jock’s room, blessedly clothed.

-ESPN has wisely turned to Secretariat biographer Bill Nack for previewing help, but every time he finishes with a segment, I feel contractually obligated to cry.

-Mine That Bird is even money.  I do not understand how a horse can win the Derby, finish second in the Preakness and still show up as even money.  What does he have to do, double back and win American Idol?

-Shot of Mine That Bird hanging out in his stall, pulling his teeth back and in general looking like a tool.  I find a bit of understanding.

-Shot of Dunkirk hanging out in his stall.  He must win, we are informed, because he is gray, and pretty.

-There’s a three-second shot of a grandstand pole and a pickup truck.  Awesome, thanks for that update, ESPN.

-Focus on a statue of Secretariat:  “A couple of weeks ago, a horse broke loose and knocked it over.  It’s been repaired.”  Secretariat, the Rodney Dangerfield of these arrogant young horses today.

-Since not enough has been said about Chip Woolley’s snapped-off leg and Model T Ford, Kenny Mayne invites him into the cab of a pickup truck.  This goes exactly as well, and is exactly as useful, as you’d imagine.  There is singing.

-Woolley is said to have had a “major impact” on fashion in New York, having brought black hats into mode.  This is announced as the camera pans the crowd, which contains perhaps two people wearing those obnoxious straw cowboy hats which are good for absolutely nothing but wearing into a Coyote Ugly.

-The winner of The Acorn Stakes, Gabby’s Golden Gal, is breathing too heavily after her race and in general pissed at the world.  Water is hurled at her as she bucks and starts.  Well, she’s a hot and tired three-year-old.  People, I used to work at Disney World.  This is mild.

-Calvin and Kent Desormeaux in the jock’s room.  Pants:  Still on.  All’s well.

-Re-run of the outstanding fun featuring Woolley, Mayne, and the pickup truck.  Oh, I was hoping to see this again.  “You never know when they’ll be back,” the host threatens.

-Jock’s photo.  The front row turns to the side, mugshot style.  Some say it’s to display the sponsor stencil running down the side of their pants.  I say it’s because the photographer, given the company before him, is a massive fan of irony.

-The talking heads like Charitable Man to win.  Because they've been right every single other time.

-Call to post is heard in its entirety.  ESPN is hereby congratulated on its ability to shut up.

-“Mr. Hot Stuff is like Bart Simpson!  He will do anything!  He’ll take a mouthful of hay and fling it as far as he can!”  Mr. Hot Stuff should totally have his own reality show, so we can watch him flash his panties while he’s getting out of limos!

-Look, it’s Kent Desormeaux.  Start the clock on how fast the words “Big Brown” and “failure” are util—oh, there we are.

-Calivn Borel is good and miked.  The pictures by now are from the backstretch, which means we hear him talking while gazing at his butt.  Congress should convene in this manner.

-Shot of the crowd, which features not one black cowboy hat.  One guy, however, has busted out his tuxedo tee shirtNow it’s a party.

-By the way, if Calvin Borel wins, the recession will go away.

-Is anyone else slightly impatient with the fact that a horse owned by Jenny Craig is named “Chocolate Candy?”

-Wow, fast start.

-Dunkirk setting the pace.  Because he’s pretty, that’s why, and is properly prepared for his close up.

- Birdstone, not content with upsetting Smarty Jones’ Triple Crown and the Kentucky Derby with his son Mine That Bird, shoots yet another colt of his across the finish line to mar Calvin Borel’s pending appearance on The View.

-Boy, would I hate to be anywhere near the shared bunk beds in the Children of Birdstone Stable tonight.  “You suck.”  “No, YOU suck.”  "DAAAAAAAD!"

-Inquiry light.  The stewards are looking into exactly how quickly people will stop caring about Calvin Borel.

-Kent Desormeaux, after a shouted question from Bailey and several seconds of silence:  “Oh, you meant me?  You talking to me?”  I (heart) you, wireless mikes.  Meanwhile, somewhere on a stud farm in Lexington, Birdstone casually lights a Cuban and summons another mare.

-The tape is reviewed.  There is discussion of whether Calvin Borel merely sucks, or totally sucks.

-During the trophy presentation, Summer Bird is referred to as “the other bird,” which is deeply appreciated, I’m sure, by every single person standing on the dais.  Go ahead and call him “The One Who Made All the Small Children Cry,” why don’t you.

-The owner of Summer Bird has absolutely no vowels in his name.  I’m sure he’s a very nice man.  But I ain’t typing that.

-As the fade-out music swells, the very last words include "revenge" and "defeat."  One FAIL check for the road for Kent, the... victor.

-The end, amen.

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Reader Comments (5)

[...] Beth props up her knee and sits down with her DVR chunk o’ Belmont. Share and [...]

All is right in the world again as we have the Belmont highlights.

June 18, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCathy Bell

I had no idea you hadn't seen it yet. Sorry.

Just wanted to let you know I love your race writeups! I stumbled upon your link to the derby write up on equidaily and eagerly awaited the preakness and belmont writeups as well!!

I've learned not to read them at work though as they evoke strange looks from my fellow coworkers as I laugh the whole way through the post!

Keep up the great work, and hope you have a speedy recovery!

June 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKristen

Welcome, new Kristen The Reader, and many thanks : )

June 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMB
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