• DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    by Mary Beth Ellis
  • Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Random House Trade Paperbacks
« Giving YOU Full Value on My Free Admission to Drum Major Tryouts | Main | Further FAQ Cleanup »
Thursday
Jun232011

Josh Halter Claims Suburban Chicago for Ohio State

This post is brought to you through the generous mood-raising donation of Neysa The Reader and the impressive Google-fu of The Society for the Appreciation of Josh Halter.  Because sometimes it takes an entire Internet to make a single blog entry.

Watch this:

You are beholding young, still Supposedly Subdued Josh Halter, soaking up a good seven seconds or so of a 30-second spot for the Big Ten Network back in 2008.  Like any good professional writer, the first time I saw him after this was brought to my attention, I yelled at him.

"You held out on me," I said.  "Why didn't you tell me about this?!  It's awesome!"

"I forgot," he said.

Well, yeah, I can see how you'd forget three days on a commerical shoot in Chicago as a brand spankin' new Drum Major, watching Goldy Gopher shove a neighborhood kid off a bike and taking off with it as Sparty lept up behind him to ride on the pegs.  That happens ALL THE TIME here on the West Side.  Since Josh Halter apparently isn't writing this shiznit down, I'm going to do it for him.

This was the first appearance Josh made as Drum Major.  He'd nailed one of his now-specialites--strutting--not too long before tryouts, and here his first public performance was to be forever preserved at the Big Ten Network. 

He was so new that he didn't even have his uniform yet.  What you see him wearing here?  Is Stewart Kitchen's, and you could not have more of a mismatch body type nightmare if he had to borrow Matt The Badass'.  Josh is tall, and Stew is... not, and the lithely constructed Stew preferred a close fit on the pants of the uniform to match his gymnastic style.  Keep that in mind while you're watching Mr. Halter kick down the sidewalk here. 

You'll notice that some schools in the ad are represented by gobs of fans, a coach or two, parts of a cheerleading squad.  Josh carries all of OSU on his (well... Stew's, actually) epaulettes.  And craft services didn't care about that, so much; each college cast got a table with the same amount of food:  One for Purdue.  One for Northwestern.  One for Ohio State.

"Is... Brutus coming?" he asked.  Nope.  It's just you, Josh, you and The Ghost Uniform of Stewart Kitchen and a tailor bill to be named later.

The camera technology on the strutting sequence was akin to what was used for the race scenes Seabiscuit, with a dolly tracking Josh down the sidewalk as he claimed northern Illinois suburbia for Ohio.  And for those of you who haven't seen a full ramp entrance yet, that throw he gives in the last few seconds is a traditional goalpost toss.

The house you see Josh leading everyone into could be filmed from the outside but not entered, so he spent several takes putting his hand to the doorknob as Mascotpalooza piled up behind him. I think my favorite part of this entire end shot is that Purdue and its big f'ing drum brings up the f'ing rear-- which I shouldn't laugh at because I desperately wanted to go to Purdue for about five minutes in my freshman year because I knew it was quite the astronaut factory, and then I met algebra, and we all know how that went.  Personally, I'd like to have heard the post-shoot conversation between the homeowner and the clean-up landscapers:  "WTF happened right outside the doorstep here?"  "Josh Halter, that's what.  He brings naught but destruction." 

Well, God bless you, Enormous Drum, and Goldie and Josh and craft services table.  Long may you roll.

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (96)

squeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember seeing this! Now of course I know who the DM is. WTG Josh, you rock.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGoBucks!

That. Is. Way. Cool.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFastAsYou

Okay, so, I have a story for you guys. This does involve Josh so please bare with me on it. But to fully appreciate that story you first have to know this one.

When Ms. Tink lived in Florida she used to go to Tampa Bay downs and once she went with a big group of freinds and before one of the races when all the jockeys get on the horses one of the jockesy was checking her out and basically almost went over the side of his horse because he wasnt paying attention.Everybody noticed and mocked her about it and then the horses got to the gates and that jockey's horse bucked or something in the gate and he was disqualified.So her friends formed this theory that Tink, and her magnetic chest was the culprit. So if you ever hear of jokes of that vein from those of us who have been with her a long time or know her in person from that time that's where it comes from. It's one of the reasons she wrote that big long post a couple years ago about discovering that her bra size was wrong. Kind of an inside joke.

So ffward to tonight. She was kind of upset and here is what happened: Greg Eyer who coaches Jason and just about all of the drummajors was at band practice tonight, and Tink was there of course, and he was working with a h.s. kid while she sat on the bleachers leaning over her notebook. All of a sudden Greg comes tearing up to her all, "Mary Beth, pull your top up," and she was like, "oh shit, am I nipslipping the entire band"? Well it sounds like the kid missed a catch because or something he was busy trying 2 get the best possible view of the same 2 reasons an entire horse race was affected.

Okay, but that's not even all. Right there was two members of the kid's family and... wait for it...

JASON THE RIDICULOUSLY YOUNG DRUM MAJOR'S MOTHER.

So she was upset about it because she respects Greg A LOT as an alumn and as Jason's coach, and she thinks his mom is great, and so, Mother of Jason had a front row seat for the entire thing and said something like "You're a married woman!" Tink was upset that she'd been a distraction or something, she just likes to stay out of the way at these rehearsals and watch and learn stuff.

But she was having dinner or something with Josh afterwards and she told him what happened and he thought it was funny, and that relaxed her, because she said, she uses Josh as a litmus test for sanity, morality, and what honestly goes on with the band.

But still she said, "I've always thought since I'm married that no one is looking at me, I just dress up in feminine things when I know I'm going to be around people who make me nervous because that helps feel more confident for some reason." She said something about wearing a burka next time. where do you even buy one of those, lol

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSheKnowsWhoIAm!

I have never seen this. Mr. Halter you are amaaaaazzzzzing!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterReenie

SheKnowsWhoIAm, will you marry me?

mwahahahahaha! Now it all becomes clear, Mary Beth is destroying the program from the INSIDE, one impressionable future DM at a time. IT'S A TRAP!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNed The Reader

what a cool story and experience!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterQuandoQuandoQuando

His face is just awesome in that opening shot. I'd have this on my resume!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDannon The Reader

Looks like its time for Dr. R to have some input on the whole bleacher scandal.

Actually this is not surprising for a girl of MBs talents and personality, she is very smart & attractive & talented but really does not have the best image of herself. It is actually pretty classic for really creative & loving people who invest themselves in their work. Just look at the past post where she evaluates herselve as a "5" for example. Thats not false humility, she really does see herself as unattractive & someone with not much to offer. We know she was hugely bullied as a child & really did not feel like she felt in until the end of her high school career-- that's probably where it comes from.

Now contrast that with the Drum Majors. They are all very confident & she is probably fascinated by that because she cannot image feeling that way @ herself. Her comment that "I need to dress feminine to feel confident" is very telling. She feels like she has to rely on "outside help" to have positive attention because she does not feel like she projects it from within.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRinRochester

"Mary Beth is destroying the program from the INSIDE, one impressionable future DM at a time"

And one lovely breast at a time. SHES A SOOPER-SEEKRIT MICHIGAN OPERATIVE!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterESPY

Oh Supposedly Subdued One this is incredible! Love it.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermahalo

hahahaha, awesome story and I'm glad that someone totally cool like Josh got to do that.

Maybe it's time for a new commercial with the current Drum Major!

At one of MB's readings I saw her at the staff asked her if she needed anything and she very politely asked if she could have a straw for her water glass so she wouldn't mess her lipstick during the performance. 10 minutes later the guy came back and said, "We don't have any straws but we are sending someone out to a fast food joint to get you one." She was horrified and said "don't you dare, I will walk out if you show up with a straw now!" She was appalled that she might cause anyone any trouble, and these people were total strangers to her.

These guys are very important to her.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSMChick'85

Maybe it's time for a new commercial with the current Drum Major!

Not a good idea. He'd destroy all of the upper Midwest.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFeeney

Just to tack on to R in Rochester's excellent insight....

She will not hear one syllable against these guys on top of all that.

Mary Beth has done some copywriting for us, and we are part of the same group that sent her and the DMs to the Reds game. We offered premium Indians-Rockies tickets to her and Jason and Stew, who had to miss the Reds outing. She was thrilled when she heard about it and full of appreciation.

I think she had a lot of trouble nailing the guys down but she did finally send along a "yes," but couldn't give us an exact date, so we held the entire series for them. She was extremely classy and apologetic and kept saying things like, "I know this is a huge inconvenience for you. I'm so sorry. I am not doing a good job of getting an answer, please forgive me." (Remember, even though she wrote for us a while ago, she's essentially our employee.)

It got to a point where we had two interns staying late on a Friday waiting for an answer. Mary Beth offered a solution which allowed them to go home, but she utterly threw herself under the bus in the process. And they wound up not going. She took every particle of blame for the f-ed up situation even though it obviously wasn't her who was causing the confusion.

At one point someone said to her, "Well, what do you expect with college students, these young guys." Mary Beth answered, "You have to understand that Jason isn't a college student in the traditional sense of the term. He's a full-time college student, a full-time athlete, a full-time CEO, and a full-time coach. And Stew is recovering from the effects of serving all those roles." She had every right to be FURIOUS with these guys-- I know I would be, I wouldn't put up with it-- but instead of throwing blame or getting mad she was taking all the flack with 0% bitterness or anger.

This is a lady who truly does look for the best in people. I hope the Band and the people she is working with appreciate that.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLake Erie Lanie

"the lithely constructed Stew"

Ooooohhhh, alternate title?

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterenilise

OSU leading the way! Yeah!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterColumbusTown

"Like a good professional writer, the first time I saw him after this was brought to my attention, I yelled at him."

hee!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGottaZenyatta

Ooooohhhh, alternate title?

We still need to settle Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major's new one. One massive change at a time.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHamAndEgger

"You have to understand that Jason isn't a college student in the traditional sense of the term. He's a full-time college student, a full-time athlete, a full-time CEO, and a full-time coach."

I never thought about it that way. Really insightful remark on MB's part.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKitKat

Oh Mary Beth, just get some chocolate and a nap.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterYarnKeeper

This commercial is The Shit. So is Josh.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterUniformZulu

"she uses Josh as a litmus test for sanity, morality, and what honestly goes on with the band."

That doesn't surprise me. The Subdued One vibes as a levelheaded, emotions-together kind of guy. He seems quite grounded.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFireWorx

"It is actually pretty classic for really creative & loving people who invest themselves in their work."

I think this is why so many people in the entertainment industry are so screwed up. I think a lot of them probably do start out as loving. They get incredibly self-centered really quickly because they are surrounded by people giving them what they want, when they want it.

The difference with MB, I think, is that her family and most importantly her faith has truly made her the solid person she is.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterVanderos

"We still need to settle Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major's new one"

Jason The Repeater, I keep telling you guys.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIoTheReader

Mary Beth,
Thank you for posting this along with Mr. Halter's "inside story." He makes me proud to be a Buckeye.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCarmenOhio

"and a tailor bill to be named later"

Too much man for any one uniform.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKansasQT

Jason The Too Awesome to Be Permanently Named

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJem, Truly Outrageous

Mascotpalooza

Way more rad than MascotFest.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTrala

I think we should maintain the "Jason the Ridiculously....." construction, though, as a nod to the original. Kind of like hyphenating his name after marriage.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterObtanium

Goalpost toss FTW!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNepTune

Jason The Hawt

that is all

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBianca

All the DM's are total eye candy but Josh Halter is just classically handsome. And, I would imagine, rather ripped.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPortiaThe Reader

"You have to understand that Jason isn't a college student in the traditional sense of the term. He's a full-time college student, a full-time athlete, a full-time CEO, and a full-time coach. And Stew is recovering from the effects of serving all those roles." "

I am with MB on this, Lanie. I think she was running interference for Jason and Stew, absolutely, but it sounds like these guys sure do have a lot on their plates too.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterScola

I so enjoyed hearing what Josh had to say about the behind-the-scenes situation.

MB, your dedication is very sweet and admirable.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJasper In WY

Thank you for your fashion choices, Mary Beth.

You are fabulous, MB. This post is great. Your love of this band is great. Your rack is great. Embrace it ALL.

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersugarplum

That commercial is a hoot. Great to see Josh in full strut!

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGoBabyBo

Dear Mary Beth,

Thank you for giving "support for the program" a new meaning.

Love,

June 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAll Five Drum Majors

"I've always thought since I'm married that no one is looking at me"

Oh.... honey. Men look. Whether they are 14 or 410, they look, and they look as MUCH AS THEY CAN. And DO NOT CARE if you have 0 husbands or 100. The sooner you understand this the better.

Your idealized concept of how men conduct themselves is real cute, though.

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterhastings

Well I'm sure MB is awfully glad she re-opened the ol' Tasting Room right about now.....

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPacFan

Wow, would you look at this thread. All kindsa *(&# goin' down.

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFanta The Reader

"I think she was running interference for Jason and Stew, absolutely, but it sounds like these guys sure do have a lot on their plates too."

I agree with that. But my main point was your webmistress here was understanding to a pretty amazing degree. She was so excited when she called us with the tentative yes-- she said something like, "Opportunities like this mean so much to me because they are people I'd love to spend time with even if I'd met them in a different way."

I know she had to have been hugely disappointed with the way things turned out, but she accepted it so philosophically and with such class, praising Jason and Stew on the way out and begging us to be understanding with them too. And she made sure that we had some idea of the pressures they face. From an artistic point of view, it was very interesting to see how she does her best to portray lots of different people honestly, but still with the respect she has formed after such a short time.

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLake Erie Lanie

"Thank you for giving "support for the program" a new meaning."

I love this bar.

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCheeves

My entire brood loved this commercial! Supposedly Subdued One, what a cool memory to have online.

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMyKidsMom

Jason The Ridiculously Good At Watching ESPN

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFreakFlag

Ms. Lanie-- did I or did I not warn you that that the specter of me in Cleveland would bring nothing but chaos and disaster. Pay up.

June 25, 2011 | Registered CommenterBlonde Champagne

SPECTACULAR post and comments. Under 100 and we've got: Previously unseen footage of The Supposedly Subdued One, SheKnows dropping dirt, R analyzing the dirt, new name for Jason The Young, MB yelling at us, and boobs.

All we need to make it perfect is the presence of a DrumMajor. Alex... Jason...Matt...?

"did I or did I not warn you that that the spectre of me in Cleveland would bring nothing but chaos and disaster"

"Come and look at all of our buildings!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysmLA5TqbIY

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBelleNation

bahahahaha! "This train is carrying jobs out of Cleveland!"

The sequel is even better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM&feature=related

"Flats look like a Scooby-Doo ghost town."

June 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNationally
Comments for this entry have been disabled. Additional comments may not be added to this entry at this time.