Hello Walls
Thursday, July 14, 2011 at 1:08PM Previously on Have Baton, Will Kick Your Ass:
- While hovering, hover equally
- I am incoherent
- The only thing holding America together right now is the fact that Card Sharks is still being broadcast
Yesterday I delivered a brief, suitably awkward Meet Me And My Psychosis speech to the research staff of the American Antiquarian Society, where I'm conducting my latest residency; I told them that I would need a lot of help since I am an "experienced-informed writer," which in non MFA BS-speak means "I'd rather not get up walk to the reference desk, which is all the way over there, and interact with another human being in order to access material from which I might learn something, so I'll just book a seat on the soonest available Boston Chocoate Trolley Tour instead."
However, in terms of my Ohio State work, I might face logistical considerations while attempting to glide after my Drum Majors in the back of a climate controlled, chauffer-directed trolley--also the cheery clanging might prevent me from hearing such vital, character-revealing injunctions as "Stop doing that"-- and one of the primary tradmarks of the band in general and the DM in particular is the strut. Proper strutting is such a physically taxing, regimented and unnatural act that the first time I saw it done in person, I knew I'd have to try it myself in order to truly know the full spectrum of your average OSU Drum Major's mighty deeds.
I also knew that this was going to be ugly. Alex Who Talks Real Pretty, for all his apparent intelligence, has offered to give me a strut lesson when I return from the 18th century next month. I think it best that this onerous task has fallen to him, as he attended high school... well, here, which means he's had the opportunity to see some s***, which means he is far better equipped than his successors to handle the horror that is me attempting any kind of athletic activity. I am bent on keeping sweet, vulnerable, cooler-toting D-Row as innocent as possible for as long as possible.
Also Alex does not terrify me. Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major, in his very awesomeness, terrifies me; so does Matt The Badass, for obvious reasons; and Kyle The Assistant, because I don't know him very well, but what I do know about him is that he is a gymnast and his major is something like Doing Push-Ups One-Handed Because the Other Hand is Otherwise Occupied With Hurling Anvils Great, Great Distances. But Alex's degree is in English, and we settle in for nice cozy chats about comma splices and plot construction and proper use of "whereas", and this has created a bond of trust which will last long after the strutting-resultant lawsuits are settled.
JD Who Gots Game, in his vulnerable, cooler-toting way, advised me to work my hamstrings, calves, and quads in preparation, which I've done, in typical half-cheeked Total Cluster fashion; but this morning, there was still maybe 40 seconds of C+C Music Factory left and I didn't know quite what to do with it. And that is when I thought of my beloved wall kicking of Winter and Summer Sessions.
So I tried it. And, as is often the outcome when I try to Do Things, enthusiasm crashed head-on into reality and personal incompetence.
Turns out there's more than one way to kick a wall, and the fact that I had chosen of the many, many incorrect forms dawned as I stumbled into it shoulder-first. This raised a whole raft of concerns about technique: Should I flick my leg, like Dale the fluorescent lime-green bicycle shorts-wearing kickboxing instructor once insisted? Or was proper Drum Major wallkicking more like a punt from my illustrious twelve-year soccer career, which resulted in a participation trophy and two scars on my left knee from falling down outside a concession stand? Are you supposed to switch legs on each kick, or heel-drive the living crap out of the plaster one shoe at a time? Was the point to strike with the heel, the toe, or the whole foot at once, all Norris-style? Do you turn in the direction of the momentum or tamp down with your abs? What if your abs were hidden beneath layers and layers of Oreo McFlurries? I didn't have a baton to cling to, as D-Row does-- was I even allowed to do this without a baton? Could I just hold the nearest available mace-like object (at the moment, a fresh stick of Smoke Signal eyeliner)?
After a while my hip flexors became very cross-- I think it was my hip flexors, I heard Jillian Michaels scream about them once--and the song ended, so I stopped. I mean, there's experience, and then there's actually visiting the reference desk.
Share Article Comments Off 
Reader Comments (35)
What are the odds on how fast she actually goes rack over ass once Alex gets her out there?
I mean, I know you often self-deprecate about your, ahem, lack of athletic ability, but... you were aiming for a * whole wall *? And MISSED?
Our leader is brave as well as articulate.
Boston Chocolate Trolley Tour
If you hadn't linked this, I'd have just assumed that something this awesome didn't actually exist. Wooooooooooooow.
this is gonna be so great!!!!!
(for us anyway)
"Jason The Ridiculously Awesome Drum Major...terrifies me"
Wait, when did this happen? Did we miss something? She was never terrified of him before.
Somethin' ain't right.
C+C Music Factory
Quite literally kicking it old-school, are we?
"Quite literally kicking it old-school, are we?"
On that note, the linked strutting vid is quite... kickin' too. Great angle, right on the field.
What's a comma splice? Sounds painful, like something you go to a doctor about...
That video is aaaammmmmaaaaziiiiiinnnnng!
Alex Who Talks Real Pretty better slice like a f'ing hammer at puttin' knowledge, that all I gots to say.
Tink, let us know if any of the DMs get back to you on your wall-kicking confusion and how to do it correctly. Because now you've got me curious. I never ever thought about this stuff, just enjoyed the strutting!
you were aiming for a * whole wall *? And MISSED?
No, that would have been pathetic.
I missed the wall and then fell into it.
let us know if any of the DMs get back to you on your wall-kicking confusion
I sent a post link to about 9 different experts in the field, but it looks like I've only frightened and agitated them. Honestly, the many and varied ways at which I suck at life amaze even me sometimes.
My fellow Belle, if I may...
You need to be harder on yourself! You're obviously not taking this seriously enough!!
/sarcasm
I mean it, relax. We all love these posts and those of us who have been with you for a while know you're not even trying here, it's just throwing stuff down, the finished product is going to be beautiful whether you kick that wall right or not! And just think of the wonderful gift that book will be for Jason the Awesome Drum Major and Matt and Kyle, and the alums! Everyone is going to think it's great!
But that's just the thing, SMChick'85. I get one shot at this... the space of a single season. A lot of people have been generous with their time and knowledge, good people who I name in prayer, and I don't want to give them crap in return.
I can't escape the sinking feeling that I am epically screwing this up somehow-- or will at some point.
Somebody get The Woman To Blame a margarita!
"Alex Who Talks Real Pretty better slice like a f'ing hammer at puttin' knowledge, that all I gots to say."
I look forward to receiving full value on my money.
What's a comma splice? Sounds painful, like something you go to a doctor about...
lol, I never did find out, one of my HS teachers was always saying I did them though......
Mary Beth, this is a book unlike you've ever written before. Of course you will feel doubts-- but this is how we grow creatively. You must push through. All will be well.
"Somebody get The Woman To Blame a margarita!"
I think she needs something stronger than that-- latest Tweet:
One MILLION dollars to the 1st person through the library door w/a package of Starbucks dark chocolate graham crackers. #ThatTimeOfTheMonth
....besides, MB has already revealed herself as a terrible Parrothead who cannot stand margaritas.
Somethin' ain't right.
I wouldn't be at all surprised if shit goes down even MB doesn't know about.
"Doing Push-Ups One-Handed Because the Other Hand is Otherwise Occupied With Hurling Anvils Great, Great Distances"
hee!
Glad you're posting even while busy with your fellowship, Miss Tink.
I wanna hear from Alex Who Talks Real Pretty! It sounds like she's going to be learning from one of the best :)
"....besides, MB has already revealed herself as a terrible Parrothead who cannot stand margaritas."
Man, no vodka, no tequila?
You have fallen in my estimation, Miss Belle.
At least she's not in Cincinnati to see the terrible Reds performance tonite.
Football season T -7 weeks!!
"let us know if any of the DMs get back to you on your wall-kicking confusion"
I'm curious myself, I must say.
"I wanna hear from Alex Who Talks Real Pretty! It sounds like she's going to be learning from one of the best"
Yeah, where'd he go? Did we scare him that much?
LOL, MB needs to sell tickets to her strutting lessons. The stands will be packed and she won't have another health insurance worry ever. She can split the take 50/50 with the Band. And WE will all get famous and rich off the YouTube videos of her falling over.
No, that would have been pathetic.
I missed the wall and then fell into it.
YOMANK!
Did we scare him that much?
Dude. He's an Ohio State Drum Major. He don't get scared. If anything he's concerned about scaring US.
"the YouTube videos of her falling over"
It will be the ultimate You're Doing It Wrong
Hello,
The strut lesson is coming. This is a great time in the DM world. Summer sessions are going strong and over the next two weeks we will transition from the ramp and sloopy being something the kids watch to something the kids themselves are expected to perform with the band. Kids in this case referring to everyone below Kyle in rank. This is also the time of year where I start to put Jason and Kyle under the microscope. Since the 7th grade Jason has been one of my favorite students to work with and so in a way this summer is a last hurrah for me as an advisor/coach. Next year he and I settle into our permanent relationship of fellow alumni and good friends.
For my part I have been quiet lately for a few reasons. This is a wedding heavy summer (not just because of my own) and I have quite a few to go to. Also the new wife and I are trying to purchase a house and out of the blue I was offered a new job. I accepted and am really excited about the new career path I am about to begin. Enough of boring me though back to some more DM stuff!
The other night Jason performed Sloopy twice with the OSUMB vets for all of those attending summer sessions who have never been in the band. He rocked it of course; there were many jumps in which the baton did various things which it never seemed to want to do for me as DM, as well as a backflip, a cartwheel high toss, some flat bounces with his right and left hand (very difficult/risky), and maybe even a shoulder cha-cha-cha thrown in for a sense of style. Bottom line, 57 has skill, style, and class and showed everyone at summer sessions a sneak peak of the great things to come. At the end of the night he gave a speech and it was fun to look at all the band hopefuls who seem to view him as this completely unnapproachable person.
The Drum Major is a unique place for adjectives to converge... popular, larger than life, exciting, confident... and at the same time... pressured, lonely, and resigned to their fate. Never a position to disparage its lot in life or whinge about its sacrifices, in the end, its a college kid who wonders if this will be the biggest moment in their life. The question I ask myself to this day is, how do you handle that? How do you handle a vice president walking into a job interview singing the song we march script ohio to? Jason already knows the answer.
A combination of skill, style, and class.
54