Grandstand Brass Band
Friday, September 9, 2011 at 9:45PM Previously on Please, You Knew Gym Class Heroes Had to Enter The Discussion at Some Point:
- In a shocking development, I am sunburned.
- In another shocking development, I have been crying
- Drummers are cool.
I've had my head on the TV tray which currently serves as my desk for the past twenty minutes, struggling to pull the Ohio State Marching Band's game day into a discernable word collage, all meaningful and colorful and deep and crap like that, and it should shock absolutely none of you that I simply cannot, and also that I kind of dozed off for about 18 of said minutes. The day happened so fast, and was so surreal, and so *^%# %(#&% with a /%@&* hot, that there is no earthly way to do it justice in usual Blonde Champagne liveblog fashion.
And as I suspected, game day was in no way just game day. It was the entire previous week, which began with no band, continued with a brand spanking new one named on Wednesday night, and finished with oh wait there goes Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major, only he's in That Uniform with a complete, precisely stepping full and proper marching band behind him. Huh.
When I began mapping out my time in Columbus, I was Very Serious about posting daily, if not several times a day, in order to keep up with the new information, freshly slain. This was before I found out about early season two-a-days-- six hours of rehearsal, musical and marching, then musical AND marching. So I'd attend these, then cram in essay grading and fellowship fulfillment, and suddenly it was 3 AM and I was fumbling to point the mouse correctly and realizing that I hadn't seen or heard my housemate in the last five hours or so.
I can't tell the story of that game without letting you know what took place beforehand, and here's the weird kicky Irony Thingie: Right now, at this pace, I can't properly post as-it-happens without missing something else. This is, however, why God gave us paper and illegible handwriting and also notetaking apps which far exceed my understanding and touch-screen jamming ability.
It is a glorious problem to have. Sometimes I have to type the soothing words "WRITE IT LATER YOU IDIOT" at the end of notes because, left unchecked, I'd spiel off into 2500 words about nearly falling over a trombonist asleep under a row of chairs in the Band Center as somebody somewhere else did something equally rocket-metaphoric, probably a baritone player lovingly polishing his horn with a compound of Dawn, warm water, and 20 cc's of his own protoplasm.
I'll backtrack once the shock of these early days slows into single daily practices. In fact I'll back this brass up right into Spring Game in March, Drum Major tryouts in May, Summer Sessions, and last week's tryouts. There are observations and discussions I felt I needed to hold back until the season had arrived, which was of course an unmitigated fail of a decision, given that yesterday, if you count it as beginning at midnight, I found myself dumpster diving for my car keys at 4 AM, discovering a cheerful decorative orange sticker on the window of my car courtesy of Ohio State which contained the words "vehicle" and "tow," misplacing a self-cooked dinner for nineteen people, and standing bareheaded in the pouring rain watching the Band rehearse Saturday's halftime show, also bareheaded and also in the pouring rain, only they were marching, and Jason was squinting straight up into it trying to keep the baton in the air.
So yes, there is more of this and to this. And inevitably, much like a reality show featuring Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson sharing a one-bedroom apartment, it will come.
***
Saturday, September 3
Ohio State vs. Akron
Ohio State University Marching Band Alumni Game
Of all the ways I imagined this day would begin, "with the voice of the 54th Ohio State Marching Band Drum Major" was not one of them.
"Good morning, Alex."
"She is the worst one-woman D-Row EVER."
"Bright-eyed and bushy tailed?"
"Yes, Alex."
"So are you on your way here?"
"Yes, Alex." (Technically true; I was in the process of celebrating 90 consecutive minutes of sleep by standing in my rented room, soaking wet and in a towel.)
"So I'm at the practice field."
"I'll be there soon."
"I just dropped off Emily at the Arena for band practice and now I'm out here gettin' my twirl on."
"I'm very glad to hear that."
(Kickoff is at noon.)
"It's still dark."
"Yeah, it's... early."
"And I forgot to eat breakfast."
"Alex, can I bring you something to eat?"
"Oh... you don't have to do that!"
Other, lesser people manage to work the whole "Would you mind terribly swinging by Tim Horton's as you proceed in my general direction" deal into the first sixty seconds or so of a pre-dawn conversation; Alex Neffenger turns it into a Socratic questioning exercise until I stumble into this really great idea, all by myself, of providing his breakfast. That is why he is Alex Who Talks Real Pretty and the rest of us just stand there and listen, dripping.
Still the Asscrack of AM: We're shoved up on 80 degrees already and dawn is just breaking over Ohio 
Stadium. The Band is in the parking lot, rehearsing and preparing for inspection. The rookies have been here since 5 AM-- partly because they are rookies and they have to and frankly they're lucky they weren't told to be here at 3 in order to arrange boxes of doughnuts by order of number of sprinkles-- but mostly because the uniform is a quasi-military nightmare of straps, buttons, and crossbelts which take time and a brigade of valets to don properly. I was a slacker latecomer, here at 6:14 AM with my camera and little sack of Twirl Fuel for Alex.
In a tailgate somewhere beyond, I overheard the following conversation at very high decibels:
"Should we go to bed?"
"We're too f-ed up to go to bed."
We don't deserve you, Josh Halter, and yet... you grace us with your supposedly subdued presence regardless.The Dawn: Twas a big day for many friends of Blonde Champagne: This was Josh Halter The Supposedly Subdued One's first Alumni Game performance and the first time I've ever seen him perform; I'd never seen Stewart Kitchen go at it with a baton in person either. The increasingly Reader-fascinating Greg Eyer was participating in Scriptapalooza (more on this in a moment), and, of course, this was my first opportunity to see Jason in full-on game day Drum Major Mode. In retrospect I'm frankly surprised that the Earth didn't crack open and swallow us all, so undeserving are we of such riches.
11:42 AM: Of all the ways I imagined what watching my first game day ramp entrance would be like, "hiding behind a dumpster" was not one of them.
There was a snafu with my media field pass, in the sense that it did not, apparently, exist. I was forced to scalp my way into the stadium with half an hour to go before kickoff, and, no offense, Akron Zips, but tickets were available for somewhat under face value. I got in pretty much on the trade value of the leftovers of Alex's breakfast combo.
I didn't have time to make it to my little patch of metal in the stadium, which had originally functioned as my consolation prize ("Well, at least I'll see ramp from the stands, with the people"), so I stayed by the ramp itself. Ushers were shooing the faithful away at a rapid rate, so I dropped down beside the concrete barriers and flew casual. I activated my mighty superpowers of not being particularly attractive or otherwise memorable and went blessedly unnoticed.
I saw the Band speed in from a dead stop to the precision stepping which marks them as them, the roar from the crowd whisking them onto the field. The whistle sounded. And with the rest of the Band no longer filing past him, I saw Jason from the waist up, stock still, alone amongst the concrete, and in the very second this registered, he too was gone.
I don't have pictures of any of this. That's okay. I do not need them.
At some point: A football game took place.
Halftime: This year marks the 75th anniversary of Script Ohio, and the Band's Assistant Director Jon Waters, who is naught but pure beastly marvelousness disguised as a mere mortal with a conductor's baton, had decided to celebrate. He had decided to celebrate by creating the largest Script Ohio event the world has ever seen. It would be the Titanic of Scriptdom, only with, you know, less death and wreckage.
Usually, the highlight of an Alumni Game is the "quad script," with four formations spooling out simultaneously. The Varsity Band is split in half and marches in the endzones as the Alumni Band, also halved, spells across the hash marks of the football field. While the loops of the facing Alumni "h" both brush the sides of the Ohio State logo at the 50, the Varsity Band doesn't take up nearly as much central Ohio real estate. This year, however, OSUMB was kept at full strength to form a full-sized single Script in the Stadium's South endzone while the Alumni Band crammed into the other three, which were also full-sized.
I saw the drill charts. They were months in the making and only slightly less complex than the schematics of your average Imperial Star Destroyer. At some points various members of various bands were passing in opposite directions within less than five yards of one another. There were 772 people out there spelling.
Look for Greg in the Script facing East (facing away from the camera) and Stew Kitchen in the North endzone, opposite from the Varsity Band:
Moral of the story: If the need ever again arises for multinational forces numbering in the tens of thousands to simultaneously land on the beaches of France while underground resistance teams and enormous air patrols provide cover, Jon Waters needs to be at the top of your contacts list.
Sometime In the Middle of the Fourth Quarter: One of The Readers was in attendance at Satan's Armpit Day here at Ohio Stadium, and she sent
Given the fact that small children are present, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that he's still wearing pants of some sort. along the following message, timestamped at a late point in the game:
"Mary Beth, I am the envy of all the Tasting Room. I am sitting in A deck and I hereby proclaim this the best game in the storied history of all THE Ohio State University Football, because every time I look down at the band, Jason Stuckert has removed yet another article of clothing."
There were temperature reports of 130 degrees on the turf, and the Band was permitted to remove their heavy wool jackets. I was seated draped over a bleacher seat behind them in Section Everest, Seat BFE, and couldn't really see much of what happening, but so many fans were hitting the exits that by the time the game was over, I was able to slither my way down a few rows to see the Band fall out.
Normally this is (as with everything else, including, I'm beginning to suspect, post-drinking vomiting) a highly regimented and formal procedure, but this week there was no post-game program, so in order to avoid simply allowing everyone to wander off into the desert, Jason dismissed them from the stands with an "O-H-I-O" for the road. Fully clothed, I am compelled to add.
Post Game: Trailing a trumpet player to a distant parking garage, I dumped out what remained of my warm water and hoisted my backpack to the opposite shoulder. The security check tag placed there in the morning was crumpled and faded and damp. We had this in common.
Weaving down the sidewalk in the opposite direction, two fans spotted the marcher, now with her blue coat back, hat still properly centered. They raised their hands in the air.
"WHOOOOO!" they screamed. "BAAAAAAANNNND!"
She lifted her instrument in acknowledgement, and I stayed quietly behind her, listening to her mirror-shined shoes strike the warm ground.
This post's Tasting Notes Title is sposored by what happens when you combine Irving Berlin with a twirling drum major:
Reader Comments (63)
(wipes tears)
That last paragraph...
You know I don't give a rats ass about Ohio State one way or the other, but to see this project develop day by day and now here you are in the season... and that beautiful, beautiful picture of Our Jason in uniform...
(wipes tears)
You keep at it, MB. You keep at it.
You know what I like best about the pictures on this post?
I bet there are MORE OF THEM.
(fainting)
Hey Hey!
Its been a week since the alumni game and I believe that my recovery is complete. That was some hot nonsense to be out performing in.
If you were at the game then you know that Jason is an absolute force of unstoppable drum major greatness. Quite possibly the best ramp he has ever done and he really blew it up at halftime with 700 alumni standing in front of him staring him down. (insert scary face)
Glad to have a chance to check in and chat with you all. Looking forward to a great season as we continue on.
54
Oh Alex how great to see you here! We will get you breakfast anytime!
Fully clothed, I am compelled to add.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"If you were at the game then you know that Jason is an absolute force of unstoppable drum major greatness."
Well thanks to MB we know this without being there at all :) And that is so well-put, 54 (not that that is surprising)
Jon Waters, Chartin' MoFo
Mary Beth, if I may... I know that you have no problem with constructive criticism, but I hesitate to post this given how exhausted and overwhelmed you clearly are. But I have to say that the very recent work on here is... different. It's not that it's bad; still funny, still amazingly insightful and smart.
But it seems, I don't know-- disconnected? Like the emotional center that holds the whole party together is off balance or something? Does this make sense. I feel like you are writing just to get words on the page while in the past I got this sense that these wonderful stories and understandings were pouring out of you and you HAD to get it down in a post. This seems... forced?
Again I am so sorry that I'm not more specific but maybe other The Readers can help me out here. Go read her earliest posts when she was first meeting DRow and Jason The Young and you will see it. You're staying on the surface, Miss Belle, and that's not what makes you... you.
Wait, you didn't mess up his order did you?
GET BETTER
But I have to say that the very recent work on here is... different.
Well, I mean... no duh. It sounds like she sees Our Jason only on the practice field while she gives him huge amounts of space to do his thang, so she is (understandably) unplugged from someone who was a touchstone for her in this very large organization, plus 200 new people have just been thrown at her. She feels that. So the work will feel that. But as MB said she knows it's just temporary and she understands it needs to be like that, and it's all part of the process I'm sure, so for now I will just contemplate the awesomeness of Alex Who Talks Real Pretty being a philosopher king at 6 AM.
Akron Zips
I asked Akron for Addidas and it got me ZIPS!
Josh Halter by dawn's early light.
siiiiiiiighhhhhhhh!
Those pictures are stunning. All the guys look GREAT. Marybeth did you take these? Someone who knows them did, because I see their personalities plain as day, can't you?
Oh those 4 scripts look like just this side of a train wreck at any moment if ONE PERSON screws up!!!!!! That was amazing!!!!! WTF, how do you even start to put together something like that?!
I asked Akron for Addidas and it got me ZIPS!
threadwinnah
Whenever 54 shows up in a post, I get up and make popcorn, because you know it's gonna be good.
"It sounds like she sees Our Jason only on the practice field while she gives him huge amounts of space to do his thang, so she is (understandably) unplugged from someone who was a touchstone for her in this very large organization"
Yeah, it sounds like you were there the last time Mary Beth popped into a live chat, when somebody asked her if she had plans to talk to him about his thoughts on tryouts and she said something about the irony of seeing Jason The Awesome perform a lot, but the fact that the season had begun also meant that he probably wouldn't have time to talk as they used to. She truly does seem to have immense respect for his position and it seems like spending so much time with the Band as a whole is giving her even more understanding.
In any case, I'm with The Society on all the Halter Appreciation. That guy is Total Package Deluxe. Great picture.
That is why he is Alex Who Talks Real Pretty and the rest of us just stand there and listen, dripping.
awesome
This is so well-done. Thank you Mary Beth.
Jason The Drum Major has such a wonderful smile in that top pic. He loves what he does, doesn't he? :)
She truly does seem to have immense respect for his position and it seems like spending so much time with the Band as a whole is giving her even more understanding.
MB just became 100x hotter. Can she talk to my wife about the whole matter of Backing Off and Being Understanding?
Because seriously, ladies, you know I love you, but as a whole, smothering has got to be one of your biggest flaws.
A wonderful game and spectacular Scripts. Congratulations to all.
Way to spell, guys!!
"In retrospect I'm frankly surprised that the Earth didn't crack open and swallow us all, so undeserving are we of such riches."
Season ain't over yet.
Dear Mary Beth,
I just read all the way back through January. It took about a week. It was the best week of reading I've ever had. I love how you highlight the Band and let us get to know this once in a lifetime drummajor. I can't wait for this book. Thank you for your dedication and go BUCKS.
WTG band, sounds like the first performance was stellar
I want that four-Script thingie broadcast to all of America's enemies, because I want them to know that this is what we do just for HALFTIME ENTERTAINMENT.
Jon Waters for Secretary of Defense.
"Because seriously, ladies, you know I love you, but as a whole, smothering has got to be one of your biggest flaws."
Yeah, and you know what else we're really bad at? Controlling justified RAAAAAAAAAAAGE.
Ugly game on Saturday but I'll take the W and I'm sure Miss Tink will have beautiful things to say about it. TBDBITL, yeah!!!!!
Jon Waters for Secretary of Defense.
For real, if this guy can figure out how to move that many people with that much efficiency and so little practice time, he needs to be in charge of, like, EVERYTHING.
I found myself dumpster diving for my car keys at 4 AM, discovering a cheerful decorative orange sticker on the window of my car courtesy of Ohio State which contained the words "vehicle" and "tow," misplacing a self-cooked dinner for nineteen people
Backstory, por favor.
We don't even have to wait for a new thread to have formed.
LET THERE BE HOMAGE AND FLOWERS AT THE FEET OF HE WHO COMMANDS EVEN JASON THE AWESOME
I wouldn't exactly mind the voice of He Who Talks Real Pretty being the first thing I hear in the morning. Lucky Emily ;)
We love you, MB. Hang in there sweetie.
Lucky Emily ;)
It's so cool that 54 and Bride of 54 were in the Alumni Band at the game together. I bet there are a ton of OSUMB marriages out there.
"I bet there are a ton of OSUMB marriages out there."
There is, in fact, a Drum Major-Drum Major marriage—Adam Prescott ('01-'02) to his successor and the 2nd female DM, Kathryn Mitchell.
Ugly game on Saturday but I'll take the W and I'm sure Miss Tink will have beautiful things to say about it.
Well, that’s one way to find a bright side of… whatever that was on Saturday.
Hello everyone, I’m not all caught up yet but am loving this blog. O-H-I-O and rock on The BEST Damn Band in the Land!
Wait, two DM's are married?! Wow! Awwwww, that’s so cute! It sounds just like a Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks movie. Any kid of theirs will probably be born struttin’ :).
This is actually kind of terrifying. Have any children issued from this union?
I am sensing a vergence in the Force. Their firstborn may well be the Chosen One spoken of in prophecy.
Any kid of theirs will probably be born struttin’.
You will be pleased to know that Jason claims to have strutted into the womb.
Their firstborn may well be the Chosen One spoken of in prophecy.
Robed members of D-Row shall take the child at birth to a secure undisclosed location to be schooled in the Ways of Drum Majoring. Trained by He Who Talks Real Pretty in philosophy and rhetoric, The Supposedly Subdued One in espionage, Matt The Badass in hand-to-hand combat, Stewart Kitchen The Kind of Big Deal in explosives, and Our Jason in General Awesomeness, he shall usher in a new age of peace and ground bounces throughout the land.
"Glad to have a chance to check in and chat with you all. Looking forward to a great season as we continue on."
ALLLLLEEEEEEXXXXXXXX, woot!
"I’ve heard Jason claim that he strutted into the womb. "
hahahaha I don’t doubt it for a minute
I asked Akron for Addidas and it got me ZIPS!
Akron just don't understand.
"Robed members of D-Row shall take the child at birth to a secure undisclosed location to be schooled in the Ways of Drum Majoring. Trained by He Who Talks Real Pretty in philosophy and rhetoric, The Supposedly Subdued One in espionage, Matt The Badass in hand-to-hand combat, Stewart Kitchen The Kind of Big Deal in explosives, and Our Jason in General Awesomeness, he shall usher in a new age of peace and ground bounces throughout the land."
So... Summer Sessions, then.
Beautiful last paragraph, Mary Beth :)
"Robed members of D-Row shall take the child at birth to a secure undisclosed location..."
We may have awarded the threadwinner designation prematurely. This is epic.
he really blew it up at halftime with 700 alumni standing in front of him staring him down
Yay for Jason! I really didn't think about the extra pressure that might create.