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Saturday
May072011

For Thine Is the Kingdom and the Lemon-Lime Fruit Fizzer

Link Party UPDATE:  Welcome, equidaily.com readers!  Please excuse the mess.  It's always like this in here.

-NBC is glad you're here!  Here's favorite Dialed In kickin' it in his stall, acknowledging that sober girls around him be actin' like they drunk.  Here's reigning Derby winning jockey Calvin Borel chewing.  Here's me getting more liquor.

-Mint juleps, ready for their closeup.  Don't let the inviting frosted glass fool you.  When your average mint julep tastes like wintergreen Trident rubbed down with avgas, it has been prepared correctly. 

-We are informed that a "parade of familiar faces" is in the crowd, and the camera zooms in on a random douchebag in a hat stolen from an Alpine goatherder's recycle bin.  Annnnnnnnnnnd this is how we entice an entirely new generation of racing fans.

-Bob Costas announces that it has been an "uncommonly rainy spring."  There's a pause as the entirety of Cairo, Illinois yells "NO $@!%, BOB."

-Donna Brothers, horseside.  Donna has a HelmetCam, which is currently listing sideways. Well, even the holograms of Emporer Palpatine were kinda skippy there on the Star Destroyer.  I ain't judging, baby.

-Uncle Mo has been scratched due to a "gastrointestinal aliment."  I've been asked several times in the past few days how a person knows if a horse has a "gastrointestinal ailment." You don't need a degree in equine science.  Let us be adult about this:  The horse took his celebration of Cinco de Mayo incredibly literally, and drank the water, and he has had the unholy runs on the straw in his stall ever since.  Enjoy your Mothers' Day brunch!

-Jockey Rosie Napravnik has fallopian tubes, and if you don't pick her to win, YOU WANT ALL WOMEN EVERYWHERE CHAINED TO A MAJOR KITCHEN APPLIANCE FOREVER

-Odds.  There's no particular runaway favorite and I like that.  It spreads the false hope and devastation around.

-Mike Battaglia is at one of the betting windows, and he reports that it is MAYHEM!  He CAN'T GET THROUGH!  The NATIONAL GUARD HAS BEEN DISPATCHED to quell the rioting!1elventy!! Meanwhile the orderly queue of patient people standing behind him occasionally glance over their shoulders at the shouting man with the microphone.

-Correspondent Maria Menounos is featuring some sort of head outgrowth that looks the back end of a fatass robin whirled through a Cuisinart and stapled to a headband.

-"Supermodel" Niki Taylor is in search of the best hat to accent her xyleophone sternum and many-hued, yet somehow not at all blonde, hair.  She hates them all, all!  Each and every one makes her look fat!  And old!  At the SAME TIME!

-Niki adds that she has favorited ArchArchArch, because, quote, "somebody said that he's, like, on, the first gate or something, so, I don't know, we'll see."  Because when you want to pick a winner, you go with the starting point of each and every Derby loser stretching back to the Reagan administration. 

-This is all far too much fun for you to handle, so Bob Costas, Arbiter of Death, is goin' to turn down the lights and bring it in a notch for the late golfing champion Seve Ballesteros.  Here's his picture.  That's right.  Death for everybody.  See ya on the flippity flip.

-Welcome back to the 137th Kentucky Derby!  Ain't no dead golfers no more! We got Dixieland jazz and Rosie Napravnik's girl-parts and... and... GARY STEVENS!

GARY STEVENS! is now thirteen years removed from his induction into the National Museum of Racing and Hall of Fame, and he's all "Whatever, you're lucky I changed out of what I slept in last Tuesday."  I am not so sure that what he currently has going on is much better.  There are stripes AND checks AND plaid AND possibly also Princess Beatrice's hat

-Gate assignments:  Our very good friend, Tampa Bay Derby winnah Watch Me Go, will break from the 19 hole, located somewhere between the infield and Kansas.  Best wishes, Watch Me Go!  We're all thinking of you!

-We have a positive ID on Hat Douche, and it's Packers QB Aaron Rodgers.  I hadn't recognized him without Brett Favre hanging around in the background, Tweeting his own second-by-second gastrointestinal status.

-Maria and her robin carcass want to know how the Super Bowl compares to the Kentucky Derby.  Aaron Rodgers just went on my Beatdown List for not maining her on the spot.  Top.  Reporters.  Getting The Story.

-Chef Bobby Flay's here.  For half an hour. Talking about stew. He is sitting in GARY STEVENS'! seat, because a jockey who has won the Kentucky Derby three times should only be consulted in limited fashion on this day.

-The less said about the Rachel Alexandria-Curlin Are Making Sweet, Sweet Colt-Producing Love feature, the better.  Know only that someone found it appropriate to include "Let's Get It On" at one point.  Your mainstream media, America.

-Update on Rosie Napravnik:  Still got boobs.  Also she's a victim of everything everywhere, and she confirms that she becomes extra-superduper angry when beaten by another female jockey. See, people wonder why I tend to prefer the social company of men.  This right here is why. Who cares?  Has she committed the horrific fashion faux pas of showing up in the same fugly silks?  Did she friend your ex?  Did she sit next to the sister of your cousin's archenemy during the all-school assembly?  Shut up, Rosie.

Eh, she's a ginger.  Wouldn't show up in the winner's circle photo anyway-- no soul, and all.

-Robby Albarado is riding in the Turf Classic.  Yesterday he broke his nose in a fall.  Today he's back in the irons.  This guy toughens up and stops being such a puss, he just might have a future as an Ohio State Drum Major.

-Welcome back.  This segment is entitled We Have a 3 Minute Feature on Uncle Mo Owner Mike Repole And Dammit We are Going To Use It.  Repole apparently has a live video feed in the barn set up in his office so that he can command when the horses eat and in which direction their tails should swish.  Well geez, now I'm totally feeling Uncle Mo--under that kind of pressure, I'd get the runs too.

-Hey, you know what's hilarious?  Jimmy Fallon. Rapping.  With horse puppets

When I come to power,  America's sole source of comedy entertainment will come from watching a live feed of stoners looking at double rainbows.  Everybody else has to get a job.

-In Louisiana, Calvin Borel dirt farms you.

-Jockey Jon Court has married a ginger. Somebody stop the takeover before we're all under the gingervitis lash.

-You know what's a really great sport for somebody with a failing heart to get involved with?  Horse racing.

-Bob Baffert's hair has entered the paddock.  Bob has not seen fit to wear a suit.  He's all up in the official University of Notre Dame Official Dorm Dance Uniform of khakis and a blue blazer.  Bob don't need to suit up for nobody.

-Rosie Napravnik namechecks a person named "Dickie Smalls."  My day is now complete.

-Oh!  Just what I was tuning in for!  A preview of "The Voice!"  But... what does Dickie Smalls have to say about it?

-Ice-T has proclaimed Master of Hounds as his Derby favorite.  You may now wrap Master of Hound's chances in a clean white sheet and toss it over the side of the USS Carl Vinson.

-Just as I have grooved into full Snark Mode, somebody busts out the 9/11 flag.  Aw, screw you guys.

-The National Anthem has no melody that Jordin Sparks is aware of, so she'll just make one up as she goes.  This kind of confusion could all be easily avoided if there were some sort of codified system by which composers wrote down notes, timing, and key changes. 

-GARY STEVENS! meticulously handicaps the race at each pole, calling for Mucho Macho Man to run fourth.  Write it down.

-The jockeys have bypassed the Escalator of Destiny and are using the stairs next to it.  So we now live in an America in which a network can lay the remaining number of yards to the finish over the track, 3D computer visuals of the race are available in real time, and the results will be known around the universe the instant the finish line is crossed, but an operational escalator out of the jock's room on the day of the Kentucky Derby is apparently too much to ask of our technological prowess.

-Parade of the Jockey Accents.  Enjoy your .0004 seconds in the sun, P-Val.  Miiiiilllllk.  Just roll around in your talking head intro.  It's the last we'll ever see of you without the shameful, shameful mud of 18 horses all up in your nostrils.

-My mother joins the action here in the living room, and the the race commentary now includes "I thought he was dead" and "She looks like a streetwalker."

-Mike Battaglia would like to know what trainer Dale Romans thinks of the chances of the #17, Soldat.  Dale is all, "Ummmmm, fine, I guess, but I train Shackleford." Mike Battaglia:  "..."

-YUM Brands is the presenting sponsor of the Kentucky Derby.  And now, enjoy the following athletic event, starring:  People who never eat.

-Is it too much to ask for 160,000 drunk oblivious people to end "My Old Kentucky Home" on the same note?  Is it? 

-Dialed In is having a good mane day.

-All you Ohio State The Readers, get your money in on Twinspired, the gray.  You'll lose, by a lot, but you'll can still be all, "My love for my school directs even my incredibly poor betting choices."

-Watch Me Go!  For some reason, Tom Hammond insists upon using the word "disappointing" while discussing Watch Me Go.

-Everybody's loaded and banging around in the gate.  All 76 hooves have to be on the ground for the bell to ring, so this will probably take a--

-Never mind.

-Shackleford's all, "The point is to be in front, right?"  Well, this'll be interesting while it lasts.

-Nehro makes a move within a relatively compact field.  He's a threat for maybe a quarter of a mile.  Everybody shrieks anyway.  Horsologically speaking, this is a boy band member making a pelvic thrust in the middle of such lyrics as "Yeah/Hey!"

-Animal Kingdom is all "You know what, I have a pretty tail.  It has many colors.  I will be in a picture." 

-The bitter, angry disappointment in the booth is palpable.  Palpable.  Owner and trainer are both old white men.  The jockey is Hispanic but that doesn't count.  This SUCKS.

-But wait!  ArchArchArch is loading into the equine ambulance.  Maybe we'll have a Death Watch! Oh boy!

-I'm so glad the horse with the most obnoxious name to repeat is suddenly under scrutiny.

-Owner Barry Irwin announces that, quote, "I got tired of trainers lying to me."  And kicks then the door open, saying, "I gotta go." And does. The interviewer gazes after him, a mancrush in his eyes.  I don't care how long you've been watching horseracing, that's the best SportsCenter Moment I've seen all day.

-The NTRA just Tweeted, "Can Animal Kingdom win the Triple Crown?"  Animal Kingdom just Tweeted, "Beeatches, I ain't even got my flowers yet."  Zombie Secretariat updates his Facebook status to "UNIMPRESSED." 

-This is now officially the best Kentucky Derby in the history of nonessential watery feature pieces:  GARY STEVENS! has just rewatched the race and said, "No excuse for this horse" of Pants On Fire, who faded late.  GARY STEVENS! HATES WIMMIN!!!!!!ELEVENTY1111!!!!POINT!!! 

-Owner Barry Irwin is holding the Kentucky Derby trophy one-handed and at the stem like a lemon-lime Fruit Fizzer from Applebees.  Dude, it's not the Stanley Cup.  It's not meant to actually be chugged out of.

-I just made "No excuses for this horse" my new ringtone.  Also my wake-up song, the noise my microwave makes when it's done with my molten chocolate pie, and the only track on my MP3 player.

-...And we're done.  See you at the Preakness, ladies, if your man-owner will permit you to look upon the sun.

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