Daughters of Boudica
Wednesday, November 30, 2011 at 8:15PM Previously on Blonde Champagne:
- There was Jason Stuckert, Most Inspirational Bandmember
- There was Chicken Dancing
- ...but we're not. Done. Yet.
There is The Ohio State University Marching Band an art known as "band hair," the ability to arrange hairclips, bobby pins, rubber bands, gel, and hair 
Stephanie, poster girl for good and proper Band Hairnets into a concoction which allows one's cap to fit over a bun so tightly wound that it practically creates its own event horizon. And those clips had better not be pink. And those who have mastered this art are far better women than I could ever hope to be.
You'd think that being the product of eight consecutive years of womens' education means that I would approach life delicately, with gently rounded curves, soft tones and trailing the faint scent of gardinas. You would be wrong.
Eight years of womens' education means that I was well and truly conditioned to stomp into and out of various aspects of life like a particularly well-mascaraed velociraptor. See that guy over there? Like him? Go talk to him. (Unless he's oppressing you. Then: ATTACK. By the short hairs.) Don't have a job? Make one yourself. Is there a federal statute standing between you and the reception center for color-blind hatless famine refugees you wish to build? Sue, or perhaps form a consciousness-raising circle until it's time for the harvest. That is the culture of a womens' college: Traditional female traits are to be ground beneath our stiletto heels (or hiking boots, or baseball cleats, or flipflops, or whatever we felt empowered to wear.)
Jocelyn, sousa rock starAn interior terror of conversation with others and a stubborn fascination with sparkly lip gloss meant that I came roaring out of Saint Mary's College somewhat less roaringly than my classmates, but the programming of see-the-hill-take-the-hill-even-if-the-hill-is-in-fact-an-entire-marching-band remained. But when various members of The Ohio State University Marching Band told me that they would not be the person they are today without this organization, I eventually found myself not nodding a "Yes, I'm sure that's the case, please don't hit me with your baritone" nod, but a "Yes, I understand-- it's changed me too," nod.
Exactly how and why is a matter for future posts, but for now understand that a female enclave isn't the only place to become, like Claudia, a Campus Sister. A girl can become just as effectively stompy a velociraptor within a mostly male-dominated organization, and she can do it without a single testosterone injection.
Women joined the OUSMB in the early '70's under the reforms of Title IX. Five made the ranks; I have often heard them referred to by alums and current bandsmen (you will note the spelling of the subject there) as "The First Five." No names. No elevation. No filigreed pink shrine to them in the lobby of the Band Center. You know why?
Because their music and marching were deemed worthy of entrance into the Band, and that's all that matters. The physical requirements 
Emily. Will. Kill. You.for men and women are exactly the same; not even the Marine Corps does this. There is no room for quotas, social experimentation, or up-twinkles. You're good enough or you aren't. And if you're good enough, people don't care if you have boobs, moobs, or Beiber fever: You're in. In this fashion, The Ohio State University Marching Band is absolutely the most equitable organization it has ever been my inspiration to meet.
It's a distinctly male culture, but one which allows plenty of room for female squad leaders, Script Ohio i dotters, arrangers, and Drum Majors. And in some places and in some ways there remains a steep learning curve, but one always taken on with bare knuckles. Shelley Graf became the first female Drum Major not long after the introduction of women into the OSUMB, and for a while nobody knew what the hell to put her in when she took the field, so at first somebody trussed her up in what was charitably described to me a "a bolero jacket." But by the time Kathryn Mitchell Prescott came along about twenty years later, the tailors just measured her up for the same uniform as her Y-chromosomed predecessors.
Ms. Sadie shows 'em how it's done on Meet the Team NightWhat kind of women does this create after one, three, five years? Amazons, gilries playing dress up in men's uniform pants? No, darling: Real women.
There is Sadie of A Row, who not only plays an instrument... she repairs them too.
There is Jocelyn, who, if the current seniority structure of the sousaphone players holds, will become the first female African-American to dot the i during a Michigan game next season.
There is Stephanie, who told me all about the Band's drop-dead rules regarding nail polish, rings, and Jersey-sized hoops, and why she likes them that way. She begins her career as a high school band director as soon as she graduates this year.
There is Emily The Sousaphone Player, on whom I have several inches, who flings about her 35-pound horn as though it just got between her and the last chopper out of Saigon. (An i dotter draped his sousa around my neck earlier this month. I almost crushed them both.)
There is our own Tiggles, barely Emily's height, who the week before the Michigan game announced that she dearly hoped that she might have an excuse to indulge in physical violence.
And, my dears, there is J Row squad leader Olivia, she and her cymbals, who has given over five years of her life to this Band. As a member of the percussion squad, she is one of the first people to hit the grass at the bottom of the ramp in Ohio Stadium. She has long brown hair and trim little glasses and a most engaging smile, and last Saturday she screamed "LAST RAMP! Don't be the one to screw it up because you're not paying attention!" to the rest of her row.
And later that week, as a group of bandsmen and I sat in a booth at a campus bar with two empty 
GLOS: Scarlet Squirrel and Tiggles, two of the Gorgeous Ladies of S Rowpitchers between us, Olivia, clad in a sweatshirt and simple ponytail, flashed back onto that ramp the moment an OSU alum approached us, saw the array of TBDBITL merchandise worn at the table, and held up a ring which proclaimed him as a five-year member of the Band. Around the table, the members introduced themselves and their rows of origin.
"Are you with the Band?" he asked when I remained silent.
"I'm writing a book on the Band," I said, and held up my glass. "This is how I do research."
At this, he turned to everyone else crammed into the booth. "You watch what you say around her," he said. "Don't trust her. The media will screw you."
Olivia, the only other woman in attendance and about a month and a half away from wearing one of those rings herself, leaned into him. "She's been with us since February," she said, "Okay? She's with us. She won't write (beautifully unladylike word) about us. She's in the band."
I would say here that I then cried like a little girl, but then the point of this entire post would be undermined, so I will just tell you that I stared intently into the Yuengling for a few moments and then ran away into the ladies' room for a few moments.
Olivia and her Cymbals of Mass DestructionAnd besides, crying at certain moments isn't considered girlypoo around these parts. A week later, I ran into Olivia on the sidelines of the Michigan game just after the pregame performance. She was still inhaling fast from the exertion and the rush of Big House booing, cymbals flat against her pants legs.
"This place is like Disneyland," she said, blinking away tears, for this trip to Disneyland would be her last.
Sousaphone player Katie, who dotted the i during the 75th anniversary performace of Script Ohio, just changed her profile picture on Facebook from one of her in a gorgeous black evening gown to an image snapped just after her trip to the top of the i, cap in the air and all those pounds of brass hung about her body. Smoke from a burst of fireworks hangs in the air behind her. The biggest day of her life, and she is virtually indistinguishable from the men of her row. She wears no jewlery or eyeshadow. The spats on her blocky black shoes are about as feminine as a chainsaw. Her hair is slicked back like the pinchiest frau you ever met. And she is beautiful.
For the thing about band hair is that for hours after the barettes are removed, the unrelenting pull on the hair of most women, the gule of the gel, leaves an impression. The hair is released, but the girl herself-- she is solid, she is firmly set. She is in this Band.
Reader Comments (67)
She's back! She's back she's back she's back she's back!
And she brought girls with her!
GO BAND GIRLS GO
Where do I sign up for my Ladies of TBDBTIL 2012 calendar!!!!!
We welcome your presence, O Olivia, Warrior Princess
When do we get a post about the face-melting halftime? That's bound to be entertaining.
When do we get a post about the face-melting halftime?
Which one? That's all of them :)
True Campus Sisters! Welcome to the family ladies, you are welcome at Saint Mary's anytime!
I will never get enough of the dead squirrel on the stick
You girls got....
SWAG
SWAG
SWAG
SWAG
SWAG
SWAG
BUCK!EYE! SWAG!
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving MB. I see by your Twitter feed that you were in Michigan with The Band. Such a story that must be. Can't wait.
"Okay? She's with us. She won't write (beautifully unladylike word) about us. She's in the band."
MARRY ME OLIVIA
Favorite sentence(s) of all time: "You're good enough or you aren't. And if you're good enough, people don't care if you have boobs, moobs, or Beiber fever: You're in."
This was hilarious and at the same time incredibly moving. You've captured our femininity as well as our comfort with being masculine for something that's bigger than ourselves. I've tried to explain the concept to people so many times and just never could form the words correctly...thank god you came along to give me something to quote! :)
Is it bad that I jumped up out of my desk chair and started applauding for Olivia, Warrior Princess?
This is wonderful. Great to meet you, ladies!
Oh come on MB... you are being too hard on Saint Mary's. I mean there is a self-sufficient culture, but...
All fine women to look up to. Thank you for introducing us Mary Beth.
TIGGLES, yay
We were hoping you'd come, Tiggles! You are beautiful and so is Scarlet. thank you for letting us know that MB got it right!
Ah yes, the band taught me that sometimes in life you just gotta suck it up and be a man. And it taught me to teach my daughters that they are beautiful as they are, no need for decorations and tiaras and it's okay to go out and get muddy and sweaty to enjoy what they want, the way they want it.
Lori
M Row 86-90
YOU'RE NOT IN THE BAND.
You nailed it MB. Great post. For the record, I for one do not have beiber fever. "moobs" ? well....maybe....
Getting booed in the stadium was the BEST!!!!! I was hoping to swing my 35lbs of metal at somebody in blue and maze. Emily is a champ by the way. I worked with her the summer before she made band, what a CHAMP!
Thanks so much for this post. It reminded me of who I became when I was a T-Row Tramp (Yes, a tramp ... and we were proud of the title). In the 20 years since I was in band the world has tried to tell me differently, but your words bring it all back. Kind of like this fall when I helped my daughter put up her hair for her first high school marching band performance ...
Shelley Graf was the first female drum major, not only at ohio state, but also in the big ten. (So, she is "kind of a big deal" as they say :) ) Kathryn Mitchell was drum major 20 years later, not 10.
Sousa grrrrl power
"YOU'RE NOT IN THE BAND."
LOL, I'm quite sure MB knows that wasn't meant literally. If you read back she's been careful to express her awe of TBDBITL over the past several months and has admitted several times she could never do what these bandsmen do. No danger of her showing up at the next alumni game with a trumpet over her arm.
This one's for the girls!
We are so glad to see you here Tiggles. You guys continue to rock.
Kathryn Mitchell was drum major 20 years later
See, I knew that. And looked it up to make sure I knew that. The person who was editing at 1 AM and just tweeted about helping her 2nd grade nephew with his math homework and getting one wrong, however, did not. Thank you for catching my English majorness! Changed :)
No danger of her showing up at the next alumni game with a trumpet over her arm.
Yes... believe me, I know I'm not really in the Band. I know that I am, and always will be, an outsider. I would last maybe .000000001 seconds at Candidate Days, and so love from afar.
WELCOME to all of you OSUMB alums and from the '11 Band. We are honored to have all of you here in the Tasting Room.
What would happen if Matt The Badass and Olivia, Warrior Princess mated to produce a positively terrifying TBDBITL child to rule them all?
We love you alums and currents! Thank you for welcoming Miss TInk here so that she could tell your story.
Oh fun, newbies who are/were in Band! MB has been at this for a while if you want to read more:
http://blondechampagne.squarespace.com/mbeosu-wtbdbitl-wtf/episode-guide.html
Alums, you guys are one of the reasons why these current men and women are so amazing. We The Readers admire your dedication and talent.
Nice post Miss Belle, hope your Thanksgiving was grand.
Great post, Tink.
And it taught me to teach my daughters that they are beautiful as they are, no need for decorations and tiaras and it's okay to go out and get muddy and sweaty to enjoy what they want, the way they want it.
That's a great way to put it, Lori.
What would happen if Matt The Badass and Olivia, Warrior Princess mated to produce a positively terrifying TBDBITL child to rule them all
Well, we discussed a similar possibility when we found out that there's been a Drum Major-Drum Major marriage, and I imagine the wisest suggestion for that is the about the same:
Their firstborn may well be the Chosen One spoken of in prophecy. Robed members of D-Row shall take the child at birth to a secure undisclosed location to be schooled in the Ways of Drum Majoring. Trained by He Who Talks Real Pretty in philosophy and rhetoric, The Supposedly Subdued One in espionage, Matt The Badass in hand-to-hand combat, Stewart Kitchen The Kind of Big Deal in explosives, and Our Jason in General Awesomeness, he shall usher in a new age of peace and ground bounces throughout the land. --Zack Attack World Tour
The real question is... what happens when THOSE TWO children mate?
"The real question is... what happens when THOSE TWO children mate?"
If their child a little lucky, it might have a shot of being an i-dotter.
remind me never to ask these women to get me a beer
What I think is REALLY cool is how many of these ladies are sousaphone players! That's awesome! Looks like that thing weighs a ton. YOU GO GIRLS.
If I had a daughter I would be showing her this post.
Awwwwww maaaaaaaannnn... now we gotta clean up around here, what with the chicks and all.
If their child a little lucky, it might have a shot of being an i-dotter.
Bahahahahahaha, awesome.
Matt The i-dotter
I like this one.
Very nicely said, Miss Belle.
TBDBITL, welcome. We just love you guys.
If their child a little lucky, it might have a shot of being an i-dotter.
LOL, lead itself out to the top of that i. No problem!
Oh my goodness so many new band people to love on!
K Row spelled backwards is WORK.
Congratulations ladies!
I am proud that ALL of you represent THE Ohio State University.