Buckeye Battle Cry
Wednesday, March 2, 2011 at 1:11AM Last time on The Bold and The Occasionally Strutting Correctly:
- Josh Halter The Supposedly Subdued can throw tricks in an Au Bon Pain, should he so desire.
- You, however, cannot.
There are more posts coming from this trip--for they are my notes, and like Josh The Supposedly Subdued I am just warming up with freaking out at you over this--but for the moment let us discuss the phone call I placed on Monday night.
On Monday night, the cell phone of Carah The BFFE-- military wife, mother of three boys under the age of 5, currently moving cross-country-- began to ring.
"Hello?"
"Carah?"
"...MB?"
"Yeah..."
"Are you okay? Where are you?"
"Sitting in a parking lot at Ohio State."
"What are you doing? It's late!"
"Well, I was wondering if you could tell me why I am crying."
This was Carah's cue to laugh at me, because she was absolutely not surprised by the fact that I sat through my father's funeral utterly dry-eyed but absolutely fell apart in a rental car in a campus parking lot. "Can I just remind you," she said, "what you've been through in the past two years? And do you remember what I told you the day you first told me you were writing about this band?"
I fished around in my backpack for tissues. "You said I was fizzing."
"You were fizzing! And you were writing! Because for the first time in months and months, you were happy! And when's the last time you were this happy?"
"When I was working for NASA."
"And Discovery was just launched for the last time. When else?"
"That one time a couple months ago when I went home for a week and I came back and there were eight new episodes of Top Gear on the DVR?"
"Okay, let's focus. When else?"
"...College."
"And where have you been doing this wonderful writing for the past week?"
"...At a college."
"Has everyone been nice to you?"
"Yes, very."
"So while still bleeding from several deep emotional wounds, you've met some very nice people in their musical and athletic element while you yourself have been in your creative element, at a college, and now it's over for a little while, and you're calling me in the middle of the night wondering why you're crying?"
"...Yes."
"See, this is why it's good that only one of us is blonde."
And, well, when you start the day with a tornado warning, continue it with the heady mixture of wine and Stew The Kind of Big Deal, and end it by watching four Ohio State Drum Majors in the very act of ensuring that they replace themselves with adequate, if not superior, successors, this is what happens. The first two days I sat in on training sessions, I stayed far from the younglings, fearful of corrupting them with my Drops Everything All The Time presence. By Monday, however, I felt that their immunity was secure, so I left my high heels in the bleachers and prowled after Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major to discover what kind of collected wisdom he had to impart to his charges (Gold Award Sentence which six weeks ago I never thought I'd hear come out of one male's mouth to another male: "You gotta twirl smarter, dude.")
Mostly it consisted of encouraging them to suck less, keep their head up more, and ordering them to present their parents for his inspection and approval. The focus was still squarely on Strut America!, with Josh The Supposedly Subdued leading a determined line of students around the track, batons in hand, counting out the four beats of "Buckeye Battle Cry." Life is now quite literally full circle for Josh, and it is Good.
I heard that song in many, many forms on Monday--insistent mono beeping from a gift shop in the Student Union; from the iPod and speakers providing Soothing March Music to Twirl By; and from Matt the Badass and Jason themselves. They were attempting to teach the entire Drum Major ramp entrance, from sprint to strut to salute to backbend to That One Thing With All The One-Armed Baton Stabbing. The band starts playing the verse portion of Buckeye Battle Cry on his way through the band, and everybody starts storming the far end zone on the chorus. Last words of the verse are the title of the song, and this is what Matt and Jason were half-talking, half-singing as they crouched down beside their charges to prepare them for the great cue. So for an hour, from both ends of the fieldhouse, as my stocking soles were shredded on the fake turf, this is what I heard:
(clapclapclapclap clapclapclapclap) "Buckeye Battle Cry, ba da da da da da... no.... no. Just... stop."
It's a blessing I spent a decade or so studying every nut, bolt, and urine dump portal on the space shuttle, because it's the only roughly comparable thing to learning this ramp routine. On the field the whole smash goes by in maybe seventy seconds; what I'm watching develop will take months to perfect-- or, if you are me, a lobotomy, a miracle, and a total coordination ability transplant. A zillion things can go wrong, and, throughout this slow construction of the young drum majors' own personal Training Montage, they usually do. The elbow isn't correctly angled, the transition from sprinting to strutting isn't smooth enough, the beat is lost. I am watching a live human dissection of perhaps the most difficult presentation tradition in all of college sports, and it is stunning in its purity and in its parts.
When they had wearied of reminding everyone that if one snaps a femur bone during a performance, it must be done on the downbeat so as to avoid throwing off the snares, the senior Drum Majors gathered everyone in a circle. This concerned me; unless it's a football huddle, nothing good ever happens when people are made to form a circle. So I hid behind Josh.
But what happened was that Jason The Young launched into a closing soliloquy which was clearly an essential part of the training session as much as the patient arm repositioning and the water breaks and the beatings with chains. He'd heard it before, he was saying it now, and whoever takes his place someday will likely repeat it to kids now struggling with shoe-tying skills. And this is what Jason said: Ask the alumni questions, practice at home, and why haven't any of you introduced me to your parents? Don't be ashamed of your parents.
At this point I was very glad indeed of the unwitting Josh's protection, and turned on my heel to examine a far wall for a little while. As a person who once received an email from a graduate student which consisted of "Hay prof, when is R xam?!" hearing this from a twenty-year-old told me more about what really goes on atop this fake greenery than all the backbend attempts in the world.
So at the end of it, when I crammed my heels back on, saw Matt off to study and Jason and Josh off to dinner and keyed "Mom and Dad" into the GPS, I placed my fingertips on the steering wheel to rest a moment, just for a second, before subjecting the mid-central Ohio corridor to me and the loaned Honda Civic. At this point my entire body, all at once, realized that for the past ten days I had been sleeping about three hours a night, but never caffeinating; sitting but not resting; driving and walking and searching and talking, but not eating unless the alarm I'd set on my cell phone insisted that I do so in order to avoid slumping into a hypoglycemic faint right into the mostly-empty wine glass sitting between me and Stewart Kitchen. Even then, I resented laying my head on the pillow and tearing open the little packages of crackers. I had more important things to think about.
I was doing things I'd never done before, things like driving from Columbus to Cincinnati and back again in utter silence, punching off the radio and watching the counties roll past, river to river, plunging every neuron back into what I'd seen and who I'd met and trying to piece together why it felt as if the entire span of it seemed carefully scripted, smartly paced, and perfectly cast. Once I sang all the way from the campus border to the first Skyline Chili sighting. I did not figure it out.
Maybe I am not meant to.
A sample. My deepest appreciation to Jason and Matt and Josh, gentlemen and good sports all--- you'll see them again in this space, including the temporarily crotchety Mr. Halter-- and thanks for the questions. (Langrish The Reader, you bet your sweet ass I asked Jason The Ridiculously Young your question.)
In any event, I think it's best that I sleep now.
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Reader Comments (66)
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Worth the wait. LOVED this-- terrific writing, hilarious video. Fun to see Matt and Jason just screwing around, no hats. Everybody looks like they are are hving so much fun! It really sounds like these training sessions are a great balance between work and laughter.
Two terrific role models. Well done, Ohio State and Band!
Hi, French Field House!
Amazing stuff, MB. Looking forward to seeing the others.
Jason and Matt if you are out there-- YOU MAKE THIS ALUM SO PROUD. What terrific representatives of THE Ohio State University you are. O-H....!
Mary Beth, I told you this would end in tears.
Then again, if I were in an Ohio State parking lot, at any time, for any reason, I'm pretty sure I'd cry too.
feh
WAY too many people are wearing shirts in this video.
WAY WAY too many.
... no twirling?
pout
Hey MB? For the next interview, make sure you stand them next to a blast furnace again. Really great sound quality, nice.
LOL @ poor Jason: "(pause) Oh yeah! (pause) Oh no! (pause) Of COURSE!" while Matt cracks up in the background. So mean of you, MB and Langrish! But what a great recovery on his part.
Charming, funny, GOOD LOOKING guys. Am beginning to regret going to UC instead of Ohio State if that's the kind of talent they're fielding up there.
MB you cut your hair! Very cute.
Showing Jason's response to my kid when he wakes up. "That's what got me here. That's what got everybody here." Good stuff. This guy is going to kick some serious ass in a boardroom in about 10 years.
I have now watched this video about 50 times, once to hear what Matt and Jason had to say, the other 49 to watch Mary Beth fondle the shaft of that baton while they were talking.
Sometimes a baton is just a baton.
no! WAY!!!!!!!!!
about 8-9 years of reading BlondeChampagne, worth it, right there.
I feel so special. And unclean, somehow. Specially unclean.
Haha, but he totally won that round, MB. Jason you can think on your feet young man!
I could write a Master's thesis on the body language going on in this video.
"Ask the alumni questions, practice at home, and why haven't any of you introduced me to your parents? Don't be ashamed of your parents."
Awwwwww! I'm so sad I don't live in Columbus because I'd be dragging my kids in to that fieldhouse whether they wanted to be drummajors or not and throwing them at Jason and Matt's feet--"You listen to these two! Or you will be scrubbing their executive toilets one day!"
"the body language going on in this video"
Mary Beth I am sorry but I had to laugh at this. You are SOOOOOOO. NERVOUS. I remember back on the original BC before it crashed, somebody dug up a video of you giving a presentation at the Kennedy Space Center, the place was packed, there were astronauts in the audience, I think it was a launch day or something, and you were about 10000x less nervous, no "um"s or anything. Now look at you flipped out by drum majors! Too too funny.
Sorry but I don't see anything really out of the ordinary going on with the body langauge. They all look like they are having fun. Yeah MB is a little rattled and she usually projects much better but we all know this means a lot to her, so i would actually expect that
Guys, PLEASE slow down with all the refreshing. I'm having trouble keeping up, there's a video on the post slowing everything down, and sometimes I have to post comments under my name so they are not lost. Trying to fix it now. Be nice to my servers, please!
Maybe I picked up on it because I've studied this some as I work on my LPC. But to me it's really obvious that our Belle here is very much in Jason and Matt's territory. quite literally in THEIR house. They are alpha maleing all over the place (see the crossed arms on both and how Jason nods and kind of smirks once he recovers from langrish's horribly awesome question? classic ALPHA) and Mary beth is TERRIFIED she is not gaining their acceptance-- shes constantly fidgeting, her eye contact with either doesn't last long. I thought it was interesting bc/ you'd think that as someone with the ability to write as she does, and who has performed in front of lots of people, she'd not be so awkward. She is not realizing that.
My guess is, She's trying to achieve an emotional/friendship connection with both these guys because she respects the program as a whole and them personally, but as we all know Mary beth 1) is uncomfortable around people unless she knows for sure they like her for who she is 2) has a pretty wretched childhod past of being emotionally bullied by Mean Girls. Underneath atll that mascara and joking around is a six yr old terrified she's gonna get picked last on the playground again, and this time by two drum majors.
That'll be $150, please, unleass you have a co-pay : P
Thank you so much for posting this!
Now I have a better idea of why these guys are so good-- the experts all stick around to help. Interesting and Very cool.
I have a very important question: What does it say on Jason's tee shirt?
TBDBITL = The Best Damn Band In The Land
De-lurking to tell R in Rochester that he/shes pretty much on the $. I worked with Mary Beth when she lived in Orlando (HI TINK) and what you are seeing here is The Woman To Blame (Mary Beth quoted that from an email in an earlier post-- that was me, I saw this coming you might say.) That's a line from Margaritaville and we started calling her that on these rare occasions when she was strongly emotionally involved in something, coming off some kind of setback, and not in a place where she has the home advantage. And yes it is a rare combination, but when she is The Woman To Blame it is a sight to behold. Basically what happens is Mary Beth blows through her normal first line of defense (her sense of humor) and starts overcompensating for feeling like she can't possibly be liked for herself. So she gets much more touchy-feely than usual, loads on the makeup, and becomes more bold, and her normal public speaking poise goes out the window, as we see here, lol. I will bet you a million dollars that if she loads videos of her interacting with Josh The Subdued and Stew The Big Deal, she is exactly the same way.If she starts feeling like she is friends with these guys, she will calm down. So Matt the Badass and Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major, don't let her scare you, Mary Beth is honestly one of the best people from that time in my life and you should totally take advantage of the opportunity 2b her friend. .If one of you started throwing up during a game as described in an earlier post she would totally run alongside holding a bucket not just so you would look good but so the rest of the band wouldn't have to walk through your breakfast. I can tell that this entire organization has her respect and affection and that is tough to get.
DARE you to post this, Tink. bwahahahahaha Miss you girl!
Heh. Only here.
"througohout this slow building of the young drum majors' own personal Training Montage"
<i> The day is approaching to give it your best
You've got to reach your prime!
That's when you need to put yourself to the test
And show us the passage of time.
We're gonna need a montage.
A sports-training montage! </i>
"Well, I was wondering if you could tell me why I am crying."
Gah. MB, you didn't disgrace yourself in front of any young Drum Majors, did you?
....disappointed.
So, so disappointed....
"Gah. MB, you didn't disgrace yourself in front of any young Drum Majors, did you?"
I did choke up a little bit out of nowhere when I was saying goodbye to the guys, and then I thought I was okay, but then of course we had Scenes from Crying in a Civic. Fortunately, the 3 of them were safely jettisoned and on the other side of the building.
(taps Ohio State campus-wide loudspeaker mic)
CAN WE HAVE AN OHIO STATE DRUM MAJOR TO THE HONDA CIVIC IN THE FIELDHOUSE PARKING LOT TO REBOOT THE WEBMISTRESS, PLEASE?
ONE OHIO STATE DRUM MAJOR TO THE FIELDHOUSE PARKING LOT TO REBOOT THE WEBMISTRESS. THANK YOU.
(click)
Heh. "IT'S RECORDING!!!!"
Good to see you enjoying yourself, MB.
This has got to be the only blog in the world where the readership psychoanalyzes the author right to her face. Love it.
And, looking good, Jason! Can't wait to see that... um, whatever he said he was going to do.
Josh The Pilot is a very lucky guy.
That is all
MB, I LOVE YOUR JOB!
Pace yourself, child. It's not even football season yet.
I'm really beginning to appreciate how this is all coming together: the connections between your love for the space shuttle program and this new infatuation with the badass Drum Majors.
"Don't underestimate hard work". Man... IF ONLY that could become a catchphrase once again.
"part of the training session as much as the patient arm repositioning and the water breaks and the beatings with chains."
Wait, so they allow water breaks? How very unbadass.
"don't let her scare you,"
We should get The Reader tee shirts. "BLONDE CHAMPAGNE: DON'T LET HER SCARE YOU."
...Hey, aren't we missing somebody...?
All I have to say is, If I went to Ohio State or were these guys' parents, I would be awfully proud right now. Besides we haven't even seen them throw down yet!!
"She Knows Who I Am!"
Jane, you ignorant slut : P
This joint is way more fun when MB is fizzing and not crying.
Stop making her cry, mean old Ohio State parking lot!
I cannot tell you how much Jason The Young impressed me here. Great poise. I've seen less self-assurance in 50 year old executives. You picked a winner for this project MB.
MB.... don't think we have really seen pictures of you since the little trip to the emergency room... but... you look lovely.... take good care of you OK?
Take a breather, girlie girl. Rest up for the next round. If this trip was any indication, you're gonna need it.
"for the past ten days I had been sleeping about three hours a night, but never caffeinating; sitting but not resting; driving and walking and searching and talking, but not eating unless the alarm I'd set on my cell phone insisted that I do so in order to avoid slumping into a hypoglycemic faint"
(slaps MB across the face with her Saint Mary's ring)
SNAP OUT OF IT!!
Get some sleep, eat a bowl a lettuce and get primed for next time.
(kicking walls for not having picked up baton twirling in his youth cuz apparently the chicks dig it)
"Buckeye Battle Cry, ba da da da da da... "
Well, thanks for putting THAT shit in my head directly before I try to go to sleep tonight.
TO: God
RE: Jason The Young and Matt the Badass
Nice work.
LOL @ Ned
Mary Beth you did get yourself calmed down before driving off, right?
And I too am bitterly disappointed at the lack of Josh and Stew here.
"you did get yourself calmed down before driving off, right?"
Yes. I was very responsible. I don't sob and drive.
"And I too am bitterly disappointed at the lack of Josh and Stew here."
no, he was there... just behind the camera... HATING US.
sniff
...Anybody else getting an error message on the vid?
Cuz I am, and it's making me begin to panic.