What We Have Here Is the Ability to Communicate
Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 12:00AM Last time on Drum Major Justice League (tm Mahalo The Reader)...
- One of my former students got TOL', mostly that he was right and stuff
- You are allowed to know my bra size. You are not allowed to know Stew Kitchen: Boxers or Briefs
Well! The demos from the entirety of my Grand Columbus Adventure And Emo Detox are in, and here are the results:
- For the first time in Blonde Champagne recorded history, hits out of Columbus have outstripped hits from Cincinnati.
- Traffic from a certain college town in extreme Northern Indiana is quite through the roof.
- Four people landed here on the search term "scholarly history Ohio State." Well played, Google!
- I seem to have lost, for some reason, several The Readers from the Ann Arbor area.
- Pretty much the second Saturday's post went live, the #1 search item within the site was "bra."
- The interview video starring Matt The Badass and Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major scored by far more replays than any other ever posted here. Not plays. Replays.
- The less we all dwell on above item, I think, the better.
- What's up, random The Reader accessing the site from Libya? WTF, Qadafi?
This tells me a great deal about Webzone Communication, and how content can actually cause demographic shifts in who's reading what (Looking at you, Muammar!) I never played all that well in Michigan, anyway, and while I do appreciate hearing more from the citizens of my native state's fair capital city, I imagine the bulk of that traffic is every single person I came in contact with all lined up at the PC banks of the Ohio State library, hammering the F5 key: "Holy crap please say she hasn't mentioned me please don't mention me please don't mention me please don't..."
The experience as a whole has been an object lesson in how The Kids These Days meet and greet online. For me and everybody else born before David Letterman began to somehow simultaneously expand and melt before our very eyes, social networking is mostly a way to keep in touch with those we've already met-- deeply hated, maybe, but still, that's another notch on the RSS feed. But this is the first time I've met a whole bunch of people at once who are all in my age range, not my students, and ready to Tweetrumble. And it occurred to me that I was making the acquaintance of some of them bass-ackwards.
For the most part, when I meet someone older than I am or who is introduced as a business contact, this is the proper order of life:
1) We meet in person at a social function, cocktail party, or conference, perhaps having exchanged emails first
2) I discreetly throw up
3) Dance of the Business Card Exchange
4) Other person finds this site, takes out restraining order, or
5) A Facebook request is made
6) The bill becomes a law
Now, I will tell you how I met Claudia. Claudia is a member of D-Row. You get to meet her some more, too, at the other end of the list, where I imagne she has already scrolled, terrified.
Note the slightly different sequence of events:
1) In the act of sending the incorrect email request to the utterly wrong address, I somehow wind up in the inbox of Jason The Young
2) He very politely e-lets me know what an idiot I am (the missive closes with a hearty "Go Bucks!," clearly in the hopes that this will draw the matter to a close)
2) I email him back all, "No no, I TOTALLY meant to do that," and request a phone interview
3) He emails me to let me know that he will take the matter under advisement, and will email again to let me know if we might text to set up a phone appointment
4) Background check complete, actual near-human contact is achieved via two cell phones and an Ohio State Criminology Department wiretap on one end
5) I humbly request Matt The Badass' email address, that I might also contact him for an interview
6) Jason, clearly not concerned for his immortal soul, sends it
7) I email Matt The Badass prior to Columbus trip, requesting an interview
8) He completely fails to email me back
9) In the meantime, the Blonde Champagne Research Department turns up, among other things, certain celebrated photographic evidence of Matt's badassery
10) I sing the age-old ballad of Matt and the Charge of the Bloody Baton Brigade
11) Second call email to Matt The Badass, this time explicitly offering alcohol
12) Matt's schedule has just opened up!
13) My Twitter followers become +1 a Badass
14) My Twitter following becomes +1 a Badass
15) Every now and then, badassedly, a username containing "Claudia" pops up in Matt's tweets
16) As I slowly begin to gather Drum Majors unto myself, a certain "Claudia" is insistently suggested to me as a Very Good Friend who I simply have somehow criminally neglected to add to my Facebook listing
17) Hey look, it's a Facebook friend request from a person named "Claudia." I know no Claudias other than Claudia Kishi of The Baby Sitter's Club, and I'm fairly certain she's not from Sabina, Ohio, her being Asian and all.
18) Well... if she knows Jason The Young, Matt The Badass, Josh The Supposedly Subdued and Stew The Kind of Big Deal... I ACCEPT your presence in my virtual world, Claudia!
19) Two days later, while trailing after Jason as he whips his recruits with the unrelenting cords of patience and weary care, I hear a female voice call after me, "I tried to like one of your status updates on Facebook, but it wouldn't let me unless we were actually friends."
20) Heel-spin as I, for perhaps the first time in my life, make a face-name recognition connection. "Hey! You're that chick from Matt's tweets!"
...And that is how I met Claudia.
Claudia is what we womens' college grads call a Sister From a Campus With the Misters. This title is reserved for the rare coed who stands a chance of not being dissected alive, uterus and all, at your average Saint Mary's College Student Government Association Board Meeting and SAT Word Beatdown.
As a minority female member of D-Row, Claudia spikes her baton where most coeds fear to tread, and she quite does not suck, at that. She thusly proved herself Claudia The Campus Sister during a perfectly calftastic drill introduced by 2005 Head Drum Major Alex Neffenger. It involved shooting into a strut from a kneeling position.
This previously unseen (by me, anyway) manner of Badass Formation initially engrossed Jason The Young, who assumed the position for several seconds, one knee on the artificial turf, gripping the baton opposite as it rested point-down, all Lawrence of Arabia-like, and staring for thousands and thousands of fake blades into the far-off fieldhouse distance, also all Lawrence of Arabia-like, then launched himself into a semi-ramp entrance-- strut, salute, backbend, max Q, etc. The members of D-Row followed suit, all of them quietly and honestly Jason or Alex-counselled as they made the world's most twirling-virtuous Walk of Shame back down the fieldhouse to their rowmates.
These are the harsh Terms of Correction Jason had for Claudia after she kicked past, ponytail flying: "That was very good, Claudia." Remind me to Tweet myself a memo to Facebook message her concerning a congratulatory email about this sometime. Now that we're BFF's, and all.
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Reader Comments (38)
Yay, a GIRL! Welcome CLAUDIA : )
LMAO by #14 on the Meeting Claudia timeline. So true.
keep 'em coming....
I seriously, seriously cannot get enough of this.
(kicks MB's chair)
VIDEOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to dole 'em out! I'm not going back until the end of next month, when tryouts are, and I'm certainly not going to be shoving cameras at people at least until after that's done.
"The video starring Matt The Badass and Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major scored by far more replays than another other ever posted here. Not plays. Replays."
(adopts innocent expression)
Trying to find some mention of sudden Libyan interest in Blonde Champagne amid Nostradamus quatrains
"I seem to have lost, for some reason, several The Readers from the Ann Arbor area. "
Gee....
Girl Drum Majors And The Blondes Who Write About Them swimsuit calendar!!!!!
"You are not allowed to know Stew Kitchen: Boxers or Briefs"
Author FAIL, post FAIL, blog FAIL, whole entire internet FAIL...
"Trying to find some mention of sudden Libyan interest in Blonde Champagne amid Nostradamus quatrains"
Lemmie know if you find anything about where I can score some plutonium for my flux capacitor. There's at least one Super Bowl score I need to correct.
"Grand Columbus Adventure And Emo Detox"
I saw them in concert last week. They were sick.
...neglected...
"Saint Mary's College Student Government Association Board Meeting and SAT Word Beatdown"
That's no joke. Those meetings are friggin' brutal
I know, right? I had to present once to get funds for a FlipSide trip and I seriously thought I wouldn't make it out ovaries intact. It was a 90 minute Alpha Female showdown. The sheer amount of estrogen in the room threw off my cycle for the next six months.
QUOTED, bitches!!
Hey, MB? For Lent? I'm thinking you should give up NOT POSTING THE OTHER FREAKIN' VIDEOS.
"It involved shooting into a strut from a kneeling position."
Just reading about this drill is PAINFUL.
These people are amazing, MB. Amazing.
"strut, salute, backbend, max Q"
I saw what you did there
"I'm thinking you should give up NOT POSTING THE OTHER FREAKIN' VIDEOS."
Shhhhh, don't anger her-- she'll send us to our rooms before cocktail hour and we won't get to see them at all.
"He very politely e-lets me know what an idiot I am (the missive closes with a hearty "Go Bucks!," clearly in the hopes that this will draw the matter to a close)"
LOL!! Poor unsuspecting Jason The Young.
Matt's schedule has just opened up!
Wise lad. Wise lad indeed.
"Traffic from a certain college town in extreme Northern Indiana is quite through the roof."
Indeed?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
These posts are not only giving me a new perspective on and appreciation for Ohio State's band, but all bands in their class.
And these are just the Drum Majors...!
"Traffic from a certain college town in extreme Northern Indiana is quite through the roof."
Yeah, that's... uh, wow, interesting
LOL, the Glee Club and The Band of the Fighting Irish are starting to freak. "Wait, she's doing an entire book on WHO?! Get her back!"
Yeah, Claudia! You kick ass, girlfriend!!!!!
Tink it seems you are doing these out of chronological order. Are you writing up your interview with Stew? I bet he had some interesting things to say : )
"What's up, random The Reader accessing the site from Libya? WTF, Qadafi? "
This post is heavy, Doc.
Whee! Any of you who are friends with MB on FaceBook, go check her status right. now.
LOL, I know, I saw that. I think it's from when she was working a Halloween event at the museum or something? No appendectomy scars in any event.... ; )
....you're saying there's a picture of MB flying around the internet and you're able to tell whether or not she's had abdominal surgery?
(renews friend request)
Wow these Drum Majors must have spectacular calves by the end of the season.
"Are you writing up your interview with Stew?"
Maybe... probably not. I can't decide.
I propose we all flee our voting posts until she gives us more videos.
"Claudia The Campus Sister"
Good. Maybe she'll come into the Tasting Room? For all the fact that this site is written by a womens' college graduate, this place can be a real sausage fest : P
lllllllllllllllLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO TWEETRUMBLE!!!!!
"# Pretty much the second Saturday's post went live, the #1 search item within the site was "bra."
# The interview video starring Matt The Badass and Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major scored by far more replays than any other ever posted here. Not plays. Replays. "
...So basically you just confirmed that The Readers are precisely who you think they are. Well done, MB!
"These posts are not only giving me a new perspective on and appreciation for Ohio State's band, but all bands in their class.
And these are just the Drum Majors...!"
Yep. A former co-worker of mine was in band and I saw a pic of him once near the end of the season. Dude was ri--iped.