A Belle, a Leprechaun, and the Ohio State Drum Major Walk Into a Bar...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011 at 1:55AM The bar is located on the corner of Transference and Compensation, in the tourist section of the Village of the 
Clashing Iconography. I am beginning to feel rather sorry for the Drum Major, that I dragged him and his baton into all of this, as the Belle and the Leprechaun are not on speaking terms, and this has got to be somewhat awkward for someone who's probably more concerned with not, like, snapping his spine directly in half on a weekly basis. Also he hasn't hit 21 yet, and a virgin rum and Coke is only going to get you so far through the night when the other two members of your party are sitting there all arms-folded and glary.
This has mushroom clouded itself into not just an essay for my next book, which I rather thought it might be; but the more I tried to cram everything I had to say about it into a tidy 10-page chapter, the more it expanded. I sucked up the bandwidth of the entire state of Michigan over the past two weeks watching video after video of the Ohio State Marching Band, and the more I watched, the more awed I became: Are they singing in three-part harmony? How on Earth are they sustaining this kind of sound quality while marching so fast? Did those two guys just exchange cymbals by THROWING THEM TO EACH OTHER ACROSS THE MOTHER*&#^$% ROOM?
So there is going to be a book. Not a tremendously long book, and not one you're going to want to read if you're on some sort of desperate search for the very latest word in spit valve technology, because if that's the case, I am just going to violently anger you. But at the moment I'm making plans to shadow the band at various points in the upcoming year, talk to the directors, sit on the sidelines for a while, maybe figure out what they have that I don't--how they're able to write in ginormous perfect cursive across a football field when I cannot so much as board an average commuter train as without becoming hopelessly overwhelmed.
But all of this concerned Carah The BFFE so that she staged an intervention today, one which may be summarized as: "MB, OSU? WTF?!"
"I know this is still killing you. You have lost so much the past couple of years," she said (true; if fathers weren't dying a painful death, homes were burning to the ground or entire fleets of space shuttles were being retired.) "What can I do to help you make up with Notre Dame?"
I assured her that this was not simply a matter of Lou Holtz standing on the roof of a Buick, blasting "In 
We are on a break.Your Eyes" from a cassette player roughly the size of an aircraft carrier. This is not just about one thing, it's about a path and a pattern of behavior, one which deeply wounds me. And the more I refuse to deal with it, the more it hurts; the more it hurts, the more I retreat... and I am weary of turning my head and spinning the shopping cart the long way around the Wal-Mart Electronics Department because the Notre Dame game is broadcast there on a thousand widescreen HDTVs.
So I'm going to apply the full sweep of knowledge I gained in my one entire semester of Psych 101 and posit that I was not so greatly moved by Script Ohio because I'm a sucker for a really spiffy drum line. There is something going on here about home, and identity, and you and me and how we choose them, try them on, accept or reject them, love them and leave them. And that's no moon essay... that's a space station book.
The Drum Major has a name, by the way. It's Jason. He's a sophomore business major from Avon Lake, Ohio, and we talked on the phone this week. Seems like a pretty nice kid. I'm fairly certain that he is not the type of student I am often tempted drop-kick out of my own classroom, the kind who hands in midterm essays typed in 72-point Copperplate Gothic Extra Bold and beginning with the words "Since the dawn of time, you may have noticed that human kind has done many things which are still going strong and effecting society today." Jason says he is OK with me curling up in the corner with my Kleenex while he orders the trombones around and battles evil with his baton.
I tried to warn him. I said: "I need to write about you, because you're more than just you out there on that football field to many, many people. And I write from wreckage and pain and I am wringing out issues which have nothing to do with you or cymbals or colleges, even. This isn't going to be like any media interview you've ever given before."
I forget what he replied because I was crying and probably also eating vanilla icing directly from the tub at the moment, but I'm sure his words were well-modulated and precise and excellent and all. In the meantime, Leprechaun, we are on a break, magically delicious as you are.
But I will sit at the table with you.
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Reader Comments (40)
Buckle up, Jason.
Can't wait to read the next book, MB : ) Drink to the Lasses was fun and thoughtful at the same time, and I know you'll do this band and Jason The Drum Major's obvious awesomeness justice.
-Davey (a The Reader for a long time who mostly lurks, but this is BIG NEWS!)
Buckle up, Jason.
LOL!!!!!
What I want to know is how Josh The Pilot feels about his hot rack-ilicious wife hanging around all these young college guys? (assuming she doesn't wear her hair like that these days....)
Josh The Pilot is well aware that he is in no danger from college students who are still on their parents' health insurance policies.
MB told me after the interview with Jason that she thinks she has clothes as old as him. She went for a younger guy when she married me, and I think I was about at the limit of younger guy. College guys these days are young enough for her to have babysat when they were in diapers; in other words, no chance.
It's a nightgown. From my training bra days. I own LINGERIE older than this guy. Crappy, comfy, nobody's-gonna-see-it lingerie. But still.
But thank you, husband, for not saying that I am technically old enough to be his mother (assuming that I were a turboslut as an 8th grader.) I'm totally starting a "THE OHIO STATE DRUM MAJOR MAKES ME FEEL OLD" hashtag over on Twitter as therapy.
I was Jason's age when *I* was a college sophomore... 20 years ago
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
Mary Beth, do a lazy girl a favor and post some videos of this guy? 'Cuz if that backbend is a regular occurrence, I want to see what this kid busts out when he wants to *impress people*.
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
I remember seeing Script Ohio on TV.
A black and white one.
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
I am old enough to buy him a beer! And he can't reciprocate! Haha!
Uh...
...you're right, this does suck
(sorry, Mary Beth, that's all I got-- I'm a gradstudent)
Aw, Jason sounds nice. Can we keep him?
That backbend shit is insane!
oh, and:
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
I *am* old enough to be his mother *without* having been a teenage turboslut.
Avon Lake shoutout, f-yeah!
"Buckle up, Jason."
Hah! Lucky guy! Mary Beth, I'm so jealous that Drum Major Jason gets to hang with you : P When I went to your reading a few years ago, my friends and I had SO much fun. Can you make a Grand Tour of all The Readers so that we don't have to get a job band leading in order to meet you. And please say you'll be blogging your new Band Camp adventures. Where can I pre-order my copy of ND vs The Ohio State University: The Reckoning?
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
Got a nice bottle of cab somewhere in the basement just a bit younger than he is...
"MB, OSU? WTF?!"
LOL!
Well, I live in Maine and don't pay attention to college football, but after watching that Script Ohio video I think I will hang around some Big Ten games every now and then to see if our new friend Jason The Drum Major shows up. He rocks that hat : )
My turn:
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
Drum Major is 20. Going to my 20th High School Reunion this summer. bleah
"his hot rack-ilicious wife hanging around all these young college guys?"
Drive, Drive on down the field, Men of the scarlet and grey....
WOW that is some serious Clinton-era hair you've got going on in that picture, Mary Beth. Is that the Leprechaun from the chapter in "Drink to the Lasses?" So this pic is from your freshman year, then?
Mine:
#theohiostatedrummajormakesmefeelold:
Hmmmm.... looks like I got my driver's license the year he was born....
Sheesh!
That is indeed the one and only Jamey, Mahalo. : )
"his hot rack-ilicious wife hanging around all these young college guys?"
"Drive, Drive on down the field, Men of the scarlet and grey...."
LOL, reminds me of our Mary Beth's epic run as a Notre Dame Glee Club groupie, collecting scalps from each voice part... How many different kinds of instruments are there in Ohio State's band?!
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD:
wow-- I, too, own clothes older than he is!
I forgive Jason The Drum Major though. It's good to see that not all college students are bent on general destruction. gives me hope. VIVA DRUM MAJOR GUY!
Mary Beth shows some leg, catches a baritone-- PICTORAL EVIDENCE:
http://i1136.photobucket.com/albums/n487/mahalo1001/MBGleeClubFormal.jpghttp://i1136.photobucket.com/albums/n487/mahalo1001/MBGleeClubFormal.jpgThat. Is. AWESOME.
rockin' the bangs, MB
A summary of DM's past to help our webmistress in her research:
Stu Kitchen>Ridiculously Young Jason>Josh Halter>chick from a few years ago, Katie or Cathy or something
Look 'em up
GO BELLES! yeah!
"Stu Kitchen...."
I would agree with that. I think Ridiculously Young Jason might be a better twirler from the one game I saw last year, and he's clearly mega-talented, but Stu was the total package. That guy was just so much fun to watch. Or maybe I'm just biased because he was DM when I was a student AND THE OHIO STATE DRUM MAJOR MAKES ME FEEL OLD.
Can't wait to read more about this, Mary Beth-- update often on this so that the rest of us can live vicariously
Oh, and the obligatory #THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD:
Was he even in high school when I was at The Ohio State University? : (
ANY MICHIGAN DRUM MAJOR AT ANY TIME>Stu Kitchen>Ridiculously Young Jason>Josh Halter>chick
Fixed it for you. You're welcome.
DON'T START.
Measure your batons elsewhere, gentlemen. We ain't going down this road again. My delete key is still smoking from the last Drum Major Death Match.
It sounds like an interesting idea for a book :)
As for Jason, I AM old enough to be his father.
But I would still kick his ass in Gears of War. Ask my nephew ;)
<url> http://i1136.photobucket.com/albums/n487/mahalo1001/MBGleeClubFormal.jpg </url>
I miss those shoes. They were kickass. And, not coincidentally, even younger than Jason.
I did a video search for "Ohio State Drum Major" and found what looks like Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major's audition. He is amazing and does these flips and things while the baton is in the air-- and then he catches it every single time like it's no big deal!! I watched it more than once because I couldn't really believe what I was seeing. Thanks for introducing us, MB! I'm looking forward to reading more about him and the band. Great topic.
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
I've got VHS tapes in my basement older than him!
Yeah, I Googled the band up, too, Aimee, once I got a load of that backbend. I took twirling lessons as a little girl and have never seen a GUY anything like this. I think I saw the video you are talking about, where he catches it behind his back and while jumping in the air? He makes it look so easy! I think I am going to show it to my kids and tell them "See what you can accomplish if you get off your Playstation-playing asses and work at something"?
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
not playing, too depressing : P
@GoBucks, @Compy-- I am interviewing Stewart Kitchen later this month. I'll tell him you said hello : ) You know what, in watching videos from far away of both Jason and Stewart, I've found their styles very similar. Seems that he had an influence on Jason's training!
I'm pretty sure this video isn't of Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major, who was probably still gestating at the time, but whoever this drum major is, he's damn freakin' amazing:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jthorstad/3221367110/
WOW-- it looks like he was just messin around too, not even doing anything formal
If the date on the video is correct, I'm fairly certain that's one Josh Halter, who was after Stewart Kitchen The Drum Major but before Jason The Drum Major. And yeah, he's incredible. But from what I'm learning, no matter who you are, if you make OSU Drum Major, you are going to be throwing this s*** before fully waking up in the morning.
Yeah, I gotta throw in a word for Josh Halter here, too. He was awesome at that bounce-the-baton-on-the-ground thing.
But here's the thing: I think he, Stewart, and Jason The Ridiculously Young all have their own strengths and the thing is that the OSU Drum Major is held to such a high standard that there are millimeters of daylight between them, if any. Says a lot for the training program.
Blonde Champagne: Come for the bra straps, stay for the Drum Major Death Matches.
(There can be only one!)
(And it's Michigan's!)
(Okay, MB, I'm done now.)
(I promise.)
(Really.)
# THE OHIO STATE DRUM MAJOR MAKES ME FEEL OLD
Well I've only got like a decade on him, like you, Mary Beth...but... I do have a nephew about his age...and he always makes me feel old! I read the story you linked and it sounds like Jason does his family and hometown proud.
In all seriousness.... this band is the best I've seen, and this is a downright inspired idea for a book... but... I have to say... I am with Carah The BFFE on this... you were shattered when you lost Notre Dame a couple years ago... just shattered... and I do want to see you heal... not get hurt by another college, band, whatever... OK? I mean I know you're such a great writer since you open yourself up like this... but... I hate to think of you gettin' banged around some more, all right?
I hear you, Z, and initially I had the same concerns, BUT:
Speaking from experience (because yes, <b> THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD </b>) and from what I know of Mary Beth of her writing, she'll make a lot of fantastic new memories and have grand adventures with the Ohio State Band and with its mad-skillz twirling guy. BUT, I don't necessarily fear for her heart, because (and correct me if I'm wrong here, dear webmistress) Mary Beth has different expectations of Ohio State than she ever did of Notre Dame. Plus, she approaches both with two totally different goals in mind (education/living a Catholic lifestyle vs. writing a book/understanding other issues.)
I do not presume to speak for you, MB, but as has been mentioned here, Notre Dame basically forced you to choose between it and the Catholic Church (sorry if I phrased that wrong.) Ohio State, for all its bigness and neato Script Ohios, is a state school and does not carry the burden/responsibility of being, basically, the flagship American Catholic University.
Plus, if what I read in Drink to the Lasses is faithfully reported, ; ), Mary Beth strongly attached to Notre Dame at a point in her life when we all go through significant growth. And as much as Ohio State "woos" her with its huge stadium, its terrific band, and it's Big 10ness, she will have a fundamentally different relationship with it.
Moved as she might be by what she's about to experience, she did not pray there constantly... go to the football games... run from Stepoff at the Dome alongside the Band of the Fighting Irish to the football games... jog on campus... serve at the Basilica... write for the newspaper... take classes... DJ for the radio station... learn how to date... hang around the Glee Club... etc etc etc, all those daily life things which make a place home, and which would be different if she did it all over again as a 30 year old married lady.
No matter how and in which ways she attaches to Ohio State thru the band, it cannot be the same, and unless <b> THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJOR (WHO) MAKESMEFEELOLD </b> conks her on the head with his baton, I don't think Ohio State can possibly hurt her as much.
(sorry this is so long, but once I get on a roll....)
Oh, and speaking of, and I watched the audition video too. Holy cow, I wonder how many concussions our new friend Jason got learning to do that!!
I thank you good The Readers for your concern. Very sweet of you all (but no, I still will not un-moderate comments.)
"unless <b> THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJOR (WHO) MAKESMEFEELOLD </b> conks her on the head with his baton, I don't think Ohio State can possibly hurt her as much."
He could beat my entire post-op body with it on a daily basis until the camera crew from COPS showed up, and it would not possibly hurt as much.
I agree with that post... I think Mary Beth and Ohio State will have another "relationship" entirely than the ND experience. And whatever happens, I trust her to turn it into some fantastic, laugh-one-minute-cry-the-next writing. Maybe that's selfish of me, but--
In any case, I enjoy seeing her twitterpated over a writing project after enduring so much crap for so long.
GIT IT, MB!
Mary Beth? This one's for you.
#THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
The last time the Bengals were in the Super Bowl...
Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major...
WASN'T EVEN BORN YET. </B>
(points and laughs at MB)
EPIC.
Banned.
Banned, both of you.
Hey all,
I believe that she is right in MB having very different experiences with Ohio State. Also, I was with Carah the BFFE the weekend before the post and we discussed MB. We are both very worried that this hurt that MB is carrying around from ND is hurting her more than helping her. I was with her at our Reunion in '09 and I could see her physically suffer when we stood at the Grotto. That was pain that wasn't going away any time soon. Our concern is that holding on to that pain is going to be bad for her in the long run. She has a really crappy year and with everything else she is going through we wondered if she'd feel a little better for perhaps, forgiving ND. (I know that is asking a lot, but I think holding onto the pain is worse in the long run.)
I've tried to write this 3 times and each time I have a really hard time finding the right words. I hope these will do.
Love and Hugs MB.
Kelle Belle
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your caring and concern. It means so very much, and the fact that we all met at SMC says a great deal, I think, about the institution. Knowing you're out there and thinking about helping me through this makes it easier. (((((Kelly)))))