"I, For One, Welcome Blonde Champagne's New Twirling Overlord."
Monday, February 14, 2011 at 4:39AM Thoroughbred racing, as I may have mentioned, is a seductive balance of opposites-- reduction-wasted jockeys controlling half-ton horses; multimillion-dollar broodmares bursting to the finish line to make winners of people in chaw-stained tee shirts; delicately bred steeds carrying gorgeously vibrant riders as an ambulance trundles behind. The twain shouldn't meet, but it does, and it is cold fusion on a stretch of hard-packed dirt.
I'm finding similar parallels as I continue to work on what one of The Readers has phlegmatically christened "Notre Dame vs. Ohio State: The Reckoning." As an '80's baby, I grew up as baton twirling lessons were enjoying one final, firey spin as a rite of feminine passage on Cincinnati's West Side. I didn't enjoy this particular Get In Shape, Girl! condition of suburban life myself, as my parents, who had met me, realized that the combination of their youngest daughter, the requirement of some semblance of coordination, and the hurling of a pointy steel object might well speed the birth of the Antichrist. They put me on the back of a quarter horse and shipped me into the deepest parts of Pike National Forest instead.
So I passed thirty happy years assuming that unless you were the extremely talented Keith Lockhart conducting the Boston Pops, if you were pitching a baton up in the air, you were likely to have a uterus. I know better now, of course; the OSU Band is mostly male, there have only been two female head Drum Majors, and ain't nothin exclusively gynecological about covering an entire football field, both endzones included, in approximately the same amount of time it takes me to have a panic attack upon hearing Taylor Swift's Autotuned demon voice.
It's a stunner, seeing Masculine Feats of Strength applied to a physical activity I'd previously associated with-- okay-- this. It is one of many living contradictions which are quite honestly sending me into the infomercial hours of the night, forcing many laps around my little writing desk as the paeans to the Slap Chop blaring from the TV mingle with the tinny strains of "Fight the Team Across the Field" from my laptop speakers.
It is a band beloved for representing an enormous school, and yet I can already sense a wary resistance from some members in allowing me to penetrate one emotional millimeter past the heavy uniforms.
The most powerful evidence that these are some of the best collegiate musicians in the nation come in moments of silence and rest; once I had to pause a stadium entrance video to take a call, and when I returned to it, I saw that the footage had stopped with row upon row of members mid-step-- heels in the air, toes pointed, and not one single electron where it should not be.
And Script Ohio looks like something any Catholic grade school class well-accustomed to forming lines can knock out in about a weekend, but this is no simple matter of trotting mindlessly at the back edges of the trumpet before you-- and in this sense, the band is its own worst PR enemy, making it look too easy and too effortlessly graceful for too long. Like the boyfriend who arrives precisely each Saturday at 6 PM to provide escort to a moderately priced chain restaurant, it is easily taken for granted.
And why can't I, who shies and kicks away when faced with anything resembling a 90 degree angle in this world, leave any of this alone?
Neither can some of you, which is what has helped napalm this from a thousand words in a lit mag to a full-blown book proposal that Carbonite took about half an hour to back up. Even with "A Belle, A Leprechaun, and The Ohio State Drum Major Walk Into a Bar..." knocked well off the front page, emails on life, the universe, and Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major continue to pour in. Some flava:
- "Jason sounds like a hardworking, humble, grounded young man who indeed makes his entire state proud. It is the likes of him who could well save this nation from ourselves someday. What the hell is he doing hanging around with you?"
- "I, for one, welcome Blonde Champagne's new twirling overlord."
- "Looking forward to seeing what happens when The Man Out Front joins forces with The Woman to Blame. I expect, at minimum, a space-time singularity which will collapse the planet."
- "My dear Belle, I am extremely worried about you. It does not seem to me that you fully understand how very, very much tO$U sucks, and how very, very much I hate it. I recommend involuntary confinement until you feel better."
On that note, Im'a turn down the lights and deliver my one-slide PowerPoint:
This is not our new friend Jason The Drum Major, by the way. This is Matt The Drum Major, who has served as the assistant drum major for the past two years. As we see here in Figure 1-A, Matt The Drum Major will kick. Your. Ass.
However, I have no freaking idea what brought him to this point. For the eight minutes or so I was in journalism, I worked on "cutlines," the text beneath photo which tells the viewer what he happens to be looking at. Cutlines are not supposed to leave you hangin'. Cutlines are traditionally expected to communicate a bit more context than the one which appeared beneath this photo, which was:
"The drum major bleeds from the head after an incident during the performance."
I would have lightly tinkered with an adjective here or there:
"Matt The Drum Major suffers some sort of trauma to the head which has since been classified as a part of Pentagon weapons research intelligence, and proceeds to bleed like a frickin' center defender on the Red Wings, and yet the mofo keeps on marchin' because apparently that is how drum majors ROLL."
Because... "incident?" DUDE IS BLEEDING--like streams of blood, from his head. He did not mash a hangnail during a session of extreme napping. What happened? Was the field overrun by rabid wombats? Was there a Drum Major Fight Club-based rumble on the mean streets of Westerville, the kind of brutal marching band violence which claims so many of our young men in this evil era? Was there some sort of baton-related tragedy so horrific that it must go unnamed? Did the USC Trojan try to shit-stir, and Matt had to smack a bitch?
In any case, next week I will observe Jason and Matt as they train high school drum major hopefuls on campus. Originally, I was professionally interested and vaguely eager to see how Padawan drum majors are made, and Jason The Drum Major and Matt The Drum Major, they both seem like very nice people. So I was initially under the impression that these sessions would involve good clean Presidential Fitness Test-style gymnasium fun, in-depth seminars on how to ensure that the sousaphones don't try to systematically destroy the trumpets, the occasional group hug-- but this business of bleeding from the head changes everything. I now officially cannot wait to see this. I anticipate the equivalent of training camp for Full Metal Jacket drill instructors tag-team run by Chuck Norris and this guy, only slightly less gentle and empathetic.
Given Matt's astronomic March of Gore across the field of battle, which shall surely be told of for generations yet unborn, I fully expect it to resemble Special Ops boot camp, replete with screaming, crying, ritual humiliation, beatings, sleep deprivation, wailing, and any possible manner of anguish, all unfurling before me as I sip my Frappuccino and take notes the likes of "Does this panorama of human misery make my butt look big?"
At minimum, this has got to involve the swinging of sacks of nails upside peoples' heads: "WHY ARE YOU CRYING? AND STAGGERING?! YOU HAVE ANOTHER CEREBRAL HEMISPHERE! MARCH IT OFF! PUSSY!"
Or maybe they mostly march back and forth, backbend here and there, and twirl. Tha'd be cool too.
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Reader Comments (94)
....so this is all about HORSES now.
I knew it.
In any case, that is an amazing picture. Matt The Drum Major needs to staple this to his resume: "I am a task-oriented person. Ain't got time to bleed."
Oh man, you're going to Columbus?
"OHIS STATE, LOCK UP YOUR GLEE CLUB. ATTENTION, OHIO STATE, LOCK UP ANY AND ALL ACTIVE GLEE CLUBS."
Great post, great young man OSU has leading the band there.
Hope you and Josh The PIlot had a lovely Valentine's day, Tink : )
Holy crap, that is one tough man with a baton.
MB, I am totally going to be refreshing Blonde Champagne like 500 times an hour while you are on campus. It is so much fun watching you fall blonde head over rack in love with THE BEST DAMN BAND IN THE LAND.
Pretty sure this is how a southern Baptist might feel if Christopher Hitches woke up tomorrow and demanded to be baptized.
Wait, so--
This is not Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major in the picture, right? So there are two drum majors? Is Matt The Drum Major in the video that was linked in the thread a couple weeks ago, the one with the guy in the warming tent? Is that a different guy? And is THAT guy a same or different guy from the guy who was in "The Knocking" YouTube vid?
I'm so confused!
OK, so, I have to tell you this, and maybe you can pass it on to Matt The Drum Major:
After I read the first two band post, I googled around for drum major videos, and showed one to my teenage son, who pronounced it, quote "quite possibly the gayest thing I have ever seen" (sorry, he didn't learn that from me) and walked away. And I just showed him THIS post, and he said, "OK I take it back." I can count on ONE HAND the number of times that kid has said that in the past five years. So-- well done, Matt The Drum Major.
This is the kind of series of posts, Mary Beth, that I originally think I will skip because I know shit-all about bands, marching, whatever. But then I start reading, I get all sucked in, I see it through your eyes, and now I'm totally psyched for football season!!
"I'm so confused!"
Matt The Drum Major: He's the assistant Drum Major, who fills in for the head DM (that would be Jason The Young) if he's injured or whatever. He also leads the band through Script Ohio when the band does two scripts at once (VERY cool to see, YouTube it up)
Guy in the warming tent: MB posted in the comment thread that she thinks it's Josh Halter, who is Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major's predecessor
Guy doing 3 Knocks on original post: Stu Kitchen, who is Josh Halter's predecessor
Try to keep up people!
"He's the assistant Drum Major, who fills in for the head DM (that would be Jason The Young) if he's injured or whatever."
Well that's good. I was wondering who would be in charge if Jason was out with an ACL or something. I am relieve to know that we have a spare.
"The twain shouldn't meet, but it does, and it is cold fusion on a stretch of hard-packed dirt."
Very, very nice, Miss Belle : )
Mary Beth, thanks for the link to info about OSU's Drum Major recruitment and training program. I think my daughter would really like this. She plays a couple instruments but does not twirl, and she's been looking for a new challenge. Looks fun.
"screaming, crying, ritual humiliation, beatings, sleep deprivation, wailing, and any possible manner of anguish"
...Yeah, that was pretty much my band camp experience.
"Jason sounds like a hardworking, humble, grounded young man who indeed makes his entire state proud. It is the likes of him who could well save this nation from ourselves someday. What the hell is he doing hanging around with you?"
Brilliant.
Get pictures, MB.
Shirtless ones.
"Did the USC Trojan try to shit-stir..."
Yeah, he and Brutus always be throwin' it down.
WTF, I leave the country for three weeks, I come back, The Tink is linking up the original original Blonde Chamapage with the GARY STEVENS! shrieking and the whatnot, and the site's all run up with drum majors and Michigan throw-downs. Does the Leprechaun know about this?
I ask you people, WTF?
Oh, hey, guys, look at this-- fairly certain this is Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major and Matt The Drum Major, side by side:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPSJvD5bns4&feature=related
(not entirely sure which is which, tho')
"(not entirely sure which is which, tho')"
Looks like Jason on the left, Matt on the right. If I am not mistaken, this would be from a game with a double Script Ohio-- mirror images of the formation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPSJvD5bns4&feature=related
That beat is crazy awesome when they're in waiting in that lobby area. DANCE DANCE DANCE
"ain't nothin gynecological about covering an entire football field, endzones included"
Oh Miss Womens' College Grad-- for shame! Are you honestly saying a girl couldn't do this?
Sure she could. And has. I'm just trying to point out that there's so much more to this than meets the eye-- it's not just twirling-- it's really physical and requires a great deal of stamina, and I don't think this type of program really gets its due because a lot of people think like I used to... but these people are athletes, and it's so far beyond the sequins-and-pompom twirling recitals I saw as a little girl that it should probably have its own, totally different name. "Baton Weaponry Task Assault," or something.
Pretty unbelievable, that Matt The Drum Major just kept marching like that. I'd have freaked out. Did he even know he was bleeding?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iPSJvD5bns4&feature=related
THIS IS SO COOL. Fun to see Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major & the rest of the band storming the sensible glass doors of the gym.
"thanks for the link to info about OSU 's Drum Major recruitment and training program"
Seconded. My middle schooler is a drummer and he'd be all over this.
Mary Beth are you doing a reading while in Ohio?
"Sure she could. And has. I'm just trying to point out that there's so much more to this than meets the eye"
i am gonna push you on this, MB. Your sentence still equates stamina and physical toughness with maleness. It makes it sound like this is not something a woman could do.
"Mary Beth are you doing a reading while in Ohio?"
Sadly no. The cops won't allow it. The previous one is still pending a criminal investigation.
And Compy, yeah, I see how that can create the impression that I was being all sweepy-generalizationy. How about if I add a qualifying adverb: "ain't nothin exclusively gynecological about covering an entire football field"?
why do the ads at the top of the page seem to think I am pregnant?
"How about if I add a qualifying adverb..."
Approved!
"Approved!"
No please, by all means, please keep discussing gynecological issues, mucus, uterine linings, and hormonal cycles. Can't get enough of that.
"why do the ads at the top of the page seem to think I am pregnant?"
Apparently I am entering "early puberty." MB, write up a post about Victoria's Secret or something-- see if we can't get those thong underwear ads back. Far preferable.
that guy in the picture is badass!
No, please don't write more about gynecological issues or other female anatomy or clothing topics. Blonde Champagne has already been blocked by the FAA filters, classified as a porn site, because of some choice key words. It's going to be a doosey trying to get it unblocked so I can read it at work while on break.
"Blonde Champagne has already been blocked by the FAA filters, classified as a porn site"
Phase one ACHIEVED!
"I ask you people, WTF?"
Mary Beth was on a writing residency, watched a video of Script Ohio, cried, and we now all suffer the consequences, that's WTF.
"Phase One ACHIEVED!" - Hilarious.
As an old female ex-drum major, I understand the physical requirements for marching and commanding more than 100 people on a field. I have ALWAYS appreciated the work that OSU goes through to perform their script. The Drum Majors are EXCELLENT. Thank you MB for recognizing that it is more than simply playing "Follow the Leader". There is skill and stamina involved. My HS band had to fight tooth and nail back in the early 80s in order to get the adminstration to acknowledge what we did was an activity worthy of a "Letter". It worked after we finally got a couple of football players to agree to learn part of our show and they went to bat for us with the administration.
"I can count on ONE HAND the number of times that kid has said that in the past five years. So-- well done, Matt The Drum Major."
He should be airdropped into Egypt, see if he and his baton can't do a little cleanup. Then let's sic him on 3rd world poverty and Congressional earmarks.
People, our fair webmistress just tweeted that Matt The Drum Badass Drum Major has deemed Blonde Champagne "interesting." Let us celebrate.
Matt The Badass Drum Major can play a whole note in 3/4 time
Matt The Badass Drum Major does not strut out to dot the I. Field positions come to HIM
"Was there some sort of baton-related tragedy so horrific that it must go unnamed? Did the the USC Trojan try to shit-stir, and Matt had to smack a bitch? "
It almost seems as if he's collecting enough breath to roar "THIS IS SPARTA!!" ;)
"Matt The Drum Major: He's the assistant Drum Major, who fills in for the head DM (that would be Jason The Young) if he's injured or whatever."
But what kind of injury would fully justify a replacement for these guys? Full decapitation?? :-P
"But what kind of injury would fully justify a replacement for these guys? Full decapitation?"
Excellent point, RPJ. I shall ask Jason The Ridiculously Young and Matt The Badass about it as they take turns delivering roundhouse kicks to the skulls of baton-carrying fourteen-year-olds up from the German Village.
Matt The Badass Drum Major actually completed his undergrad, Master's degree, and PhD in thirty seconds flat. He merely continues to hang around Ohio State because it amuses him to be surrounded by 100,000 mere mortals at once.
Guys. IT GETS BETTER.
On the Ohio State Drum Major site, it says that the Assistant Drum Major is the Drum Major for the Athletic Band (?), which I assume plays the non-football sporting events.
If that is true, then our new star Matt The Badass Drum Major does Script Ohio... ON ICE, bitches:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWS_GCfzyZA
"Script Ohio... ON ICE"
Meh. I don't see him high-kicking out across the rink to dot that I...
Betcha Jason The Younger could. TEAM JASON!!!!
"Script Ohio... ON ICE"
Okay, that's pretty impressive.
Also I must admit that "The Many Ways In Which Matt The Badass Drum Major Is a Badass" is MUCH more fun than #THEOHIOSTATEDRUMMAJORMAKESMEFEELOLD
It's not that Matt The Badass Drum Major CANNOT strut to dot the I on Script Ohio On Ice. Matt The Badass Drum Major DOES not strut on Script Ohio On Ice because the sheer awesomeness of the moment would cause the galaxy to implode.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT a minute wait a minute wait a MINUTE
So I took myself on a lovely trip along the YouTube way to see if we could have equal ice time for Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major(couldn't find anything, maybe he was never Assistant Drum Major? don't quite understand how all this works.) ANYway, lookie what I found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59lH-6e2PEQ
Jason... WAS IN A GLEE CLUB
"Jason... WAS IN GLEE CLUB"
oh dear Lord it's the Blonde Champagne Vergence of Awesome
We may not survive this.
(Jason The Ridiculously Young Drum Major has some pretty good pipes there!)
Matt The Badass Drum Major does not march. The world simply falls away from him in abject fear