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Things I Learned From My Exes, in Chronological Order

Donnie Wahlberg:

  • It is perhaps best to actually meet the person whose children you would like to bear, and to be somewhat older than eleven years old while doing so.

  • Also, he ain’t gonna give anybody any slack.

College 1:

  • Mystery Science Theater 3000 is a funny show, and you should tape it.

  • When the University of Notre Dame says not to be in the opposite sex's dorm past midnight, and you're attempting to exit at 12:20 AM down a back staircase, it is best not to choose the one currently occupied by an RA doing night rounds.

  • Nobody enjoys the first four bars of "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

College 2:

  • When lip-synching to "One Day More!" from Les Miserables,  one must do so while standing on a desk chair.

  • People from Texas are very, very serious about being from Texas.

  • What tenebrae is

  • Professional wrestling is so much more than large steroid-puffed men pretending to fling one another about.  Sometimes there is also kicking.

Post-College 1:

  • It is perhaps best to actually meet the person whom you claim as "boyfriend," and also perhaps to check if he also happens to be virtually dating  A FREAKING SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD  at the same time.

  • A dorm at Dartmouth was the inspiration for Animal House.

Post-College 2

  • When meeting a dog for the first time, hold out the back of your hand for him to sniff.

  • Once you get past the resort areas of Hawaii, you are basically in Mississippi, except for the fact that  it smells better,  blondes are a somewhat conspicuous minority, gas is approximately one billion dollars a gallon, and those big green disks on top of the telephone poles are FREAKING TSUNAMI WARNING SIRENS.

  • If you have this suspicious gut feeling that he's going to dump you, it's probably not a good time to broach the topic of  marriage.

  • When setting down a CD or DVD outside of its case, put it rainbow-y side up

  • There exists a "musical" "group" known as Acid Bath

Post-College 3:

  • There is, arguably, a point to the bass guitar

  • It is possible to exit a romantic relationship without experiencing a searing, world-ending hatred for your partner

  • Little dogs can and do knowingly go into little airplane travel crates

still learning at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (6)

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by jenni20 designs. jenni20 designs said: RT @BlondeChampagne: Things I Learned From My Exes (in Chronological Order): http://tinyurl.com/25bwyx9 [...]

And now you know eversomuch more about NASCAR.

May the fun never stop.

July 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterlynD

MST3K is the funniest show ever in the history of history. My cousin got me into it when it was still a public access show in Minnesota and I had all of those shows on tape.

July 5, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpointyhead

Oh, WOW, you have KTMA episodes?! That is some serious MSTie cred. I bow to your superior MSTiedom.

I assume you've already discovered Rifftrax :)

July 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMB

There's no need to bow. I put my jumpsuit on the same way as everyone else =D . I had those tapes until a tornado took them to Oz and have been looking for replacements ever since...

July 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpointyhead

You can end a relationship without the hatred??? Really?? I'm going to be 41 this weekend and have yet to experience THAT!

July 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSara
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