• DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    by Mary Beth Ellis
  • Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Random House Trade Paperbacks
This area does not yet contain any content.
« I'm Totally Changing Careers | Main | 66 »

Are You Ready For Some HORSES!

4:52 PM AllSpark Humidty Time:  Hi.  I just got here.  I just got here because Comcast is--and I do not wish to overstate--an evil, horrid company run and staffed by evil, horrid people.  We were supposed to have cable-- that lifeblood of... um... life--as of yesterday, but a nice man in his Comcast uniform showed up at the door instead announcing that--oh, didn't the Customer Service Rep tell you when you placed the order?--he would like $150 in cash for appearing, please, and also another hundred for a modem.  So now he's far, far away and so is my cable.  We are making do with a digital antenna, which for some reason has no long metal sticks to gently, ineffectually tap into position.  There is a rotating electronic base to gently, ineffectually tap in the general direction of the nearest pixels instead.  It's a new world.

4:55 PM:  Odds.  Basically this is Honor Roll of Horses Not Appearing In Other Triple Crown Races, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That-- We're Just Sayin'.

4: 56  PM:  If I don't spell anything right, it's not my usual incompetency at work.  It's because we are currently enjoying one of our 2.5 daily severe thunderstorms, and the picture is flickering, which means the chyron titles are flickering, which means I sometimes can't tell who's who, 'cause there aren't a whole lotta "THAT ONE HORSE WITH THE THING ON ITS NOSE" photos tagged on Facebook.

4:57 PM:  Belmont the largest racetrack in North America!  Have you heard?  You can almost fit Bono's sense of moral superiority right on the infield!

4:48 PM:  ...Oh. Jeannine Edwards' dress just ate Easter,  then immediately threw up.

4:50 PM:  Odds are running continuously at the top of the screen, with a countdown clock to post time.  Vast improvement over NBC's Grand Parade of Hats 'n' Crap.

4:52 PM:  The trainers are going all West Wing, stomping purposefully towards the paddock with swingy arms and unnecessary haste as reporters and cameramen stumble to keep up.  When my horse goes Belmont, I'm going to make the paddock walk on a Segway.

5:01 PM: A disembodied Bill Nack announces that Belmont is "a boiling microcosm of New York"  So it thinks it's the center of the universe while smelling distinctly of goat innards boiled in pee?

5:03 PM:  Ice Box is the favorite.  His hooves go clippity clop on the paved walkway.  He sounds like one of those bitter, woebegone carriage horses trudging through downtown Cleveland on Valentine's Day.  He does not care.

5:05 PM:  Alexis Barbra, trainer of Make Music For Me, has boobs, and also a uterus.  Just so you know.

5:07 PM:  Jerry Baily discusses last year's race:  Oh, and hey, remember how Mine That Bird totally blew the Belmont that one time? That was great.  Producers, remind us to ask Kent Desormeaux about this.  He's got to be just dying to talk about it!

5:08 PM:  ESPN throws Uptowncharlybrown's connections and an entire Disney movie in a blender, hits "puree."

5:10 PM:  Extensive pie chart representing Uptowncharlybrown's ownership.  I throw a beer bottle against the wall:  I was told there would be no math in horse racing.

5:15 PM:  Jeannine and her dress interviews Jamie Theriot and pretty much immediately mentions Rene Douglas:  "So, do you feel, like, bad about the whole  paralysis and breathing through a tube thing, or what?  Hey, what do you think about my dress?"

5:16 PM:  Jockeys to the lawn for the Garden Party photo.  Exactly one guy claps as they pass.  Everyone else stares:  "Jockeys, here, at this horse race?  Why wasn't I told?"

5:17 PM:  Jocks' photo.  They're shuffled immediately into place.  I vacillate between appalled and being impressed.  I sang with a choir in high school and college.  Do you have any idea how long it took us to arrange ourselves on the risers when preparing for a concert? This was a vast, cumbersome process, consisting of the director and at least two or three other faculty members standing in the last row of the auditorium with their chins in their hands, all:  "Stephanie, take two steps to the right.  Mary Beth, can you see the back of the house, or only part of the back of the house?"

5:18 PM:  Make Music For Me is having a bad mane day.

5:22 PM:  First Dude provides commentary on the proceedings via his own crap.

5:23 PM:  Why, it's Calvin Borel!  Remember him? This is the very first time I have seen, looked at, or heard of Calvin since .00000001 seconds after the end of the Preakness.  Why might that be?

5:24 PM:  ESPN adds another boxcar to the Uptowncharlybrown Tragedy Train: One of his connections has multiple sclerosis.  Geez.

5:25 PM:  Drosselmeyer clops past, and so does an explanation concerning the identification of his namesake.  Your ESPN Belmont Broadcast Notes SAT word for the day is:  "Avuncular."

5:26 PM:  Ramon Dominguez up on First Dude is Miked for Glory. This is vastly exciting and a most judicious use of the very latest in wireless technology, and it consists entirely of:  "I'm sorry, Jerry, what was it you said?"  Later I can also discern "you know" and "we'll see."  Well, that was worth the $1.4 million satellite link, especially because Jerry Bailey isn't bothering to ask really pressing questions, such as "Is your horse done pooping, or is he gonna dump another load outside the gate?"

5:28 P M:  Somebody gonna sing somethin' called "Empire State of Mind."  What th-- what happened to "New York, New York"?

5:28:30 PM:  I have no idea who this person is, but she's wearing a dress sponsored by Rivets R Us, so I hate her immediately.

5:29 PM:  Josh The Pilot:  "This is going to be awful, isn't it?"

5:29:05 PM:  Yes.  Yes, it is.

5:30 PM:  "Concrete jungle Statue of Liberty I'm from New York dreams avenue I can make it here big lights..." So basically what we have here is "Lyrics Refrigerator Magnet Poetry:  Manhattan Edition."

5:30:30 PM:  I just looked up the words to see if there are any, you know, phrases in discernible  English.  Good thing we're singing this instead of that awful terrible hard-core offensive "My Old Kentucky Home."

5:31 PM:  The camera pulls away to show the field, which is visibly agitated by the Audio Fail going on in the grandstand, and then...the broadcast cuts to commercial.  This causes a stir of excitement and joy in the house which infinitely outstrips the actual race.

5:33 PM:  There is an un!comfortable! silence when the broadcast resumes, kind of like when somebody rips one in a doctor's waiting room and everybody just keeps staring down at their plastic-covered magazines.

5:35 PM:  Montage of jockeys and trainers discussing the fact that they'd sorta like to win.


5:38 PM:  First Dude, eager to return to his rabbit hutch in the barn,  is kind of eager to be in front.  Dominguez and his 112 pounds has the reins pretty much at First Dude's cheek teeth.  I wish you the best of luck with that, Ramon.

5:39 PM:  Mike Smith on Drosselmeyer FTW.  Crowd:  "..."  But I'm happy. I've talked to Mike Smith on the phone when I wrote for GARY STEVENS!  He was very nice.  You know this is what he's thinking of right now.

5:41 PM:  Gee, there aren't any shots of the Uptowncharlybrown's connections.

5:42 PM:  Zito:  "I'm obviously disappointed in Ice Box."  Wow.   This is said in extremely stern tones; Zito found pot in Ice's backpack, and now he might not be able to go to the prom.

5:44 PM:  Todd Pletcher, mighty pissed. Hey Todd!  Why didn't you win, Todd? Todd!  You suck, Todd!

5:45 PM:  In the background is the blanket of carnations.  Somehow not it's not so impressive while being held aloft by eight bored people in purple windbreakers.

5:45:30 PM:  Seriously, this blanket is crappy up close.  There are huge gaps in the flowers and everything.  It looks like the carnations were stapled on by a bunch of half-drunk, sleep-deprived, super-pissed bridesmaids at 3:30 AM on the day of the wedding.

5:48 PM:  Heeeeeeeeeeey!  It's Cialis time!  Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity, and also extreme hatred of Comcast.

5:48:30:  Apparently one of the side effects of Cialis is the uncontrollable urge to sit next to a fellow old person in two separate bathtubs on a beach.

5:51 PM:  Much bitter screeching over the fact that but for First Dude finishing in the money, this would have been the first time that nine different horses would have hit the tote board in the Triple Crown.  You can cut the disappointment with a spatula:  We almost had it, we almost had total failure!  Just barely! Awwww, man!

5:56 PM: Belmont is referred to as "big ol' Belmont."  Well, everybody needs something to put on the back of his XFL jersey.

5:57 PM:  Mike Smith is standing with legs at hip width and hands on hips, not unlike the Colossus, or Cindy Whitmarsh welcoming us all to the pre-workout warmup. Get down, Mike, go 'head, get down.

5:58 PM:  With this win, Mike Smith has joined the relatively exclusive "Jockey Triple Crown" club.  It is his first Belmont win.  As the Governor of New York speechifies with the trophy in the foreground, Mike is gazing at a truck puttering past in the background.

5:59 PM:  The owner's wife and daughter are wearing dresses in matching fabric.  I don't have a daughter or a niece.  Should I gain either, I'm fairly sure I'm not going to do this.  For one thing, I won't be able to wear anything rack-enhancing if an identically dressed nine-year-old is going to trail around after me all day.  Where's the fun in that?

6:00 PM:  Seriously, Jeannine.  This dress. It looks like someone crocheted abstract versions of interior organs and then busted out a glue gun.  It is the worst craft project in the history of Thoroughbred racing, and I include in this statement a cross-stitch pillow I once saw featuring Pat Day's head.

6:04 PM:  Kenny Mayne and Hank Goldberg look like sitcom entitled "I Have Angry Hair, He Ain't Got None."

6:06 PM:  Jerry, what are you going to take away from this Belmont?  He says something about "packages."

6:07 PM:  On that note:  See you at the Breeders' Cup, and may God have mercy on us all.

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (5)

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Josh Hunter, Mary Beth Ellis. Mary Beth Ellis said: Are you ready for some HORSES!!: http://blondechampagne.wordpress.com/2010/06/06/are-you-ready-for-some-horses/ [...]

NO!!! I was solemnly informed that “Drosselmeyer” is the brand name for the Oscar Mayer gourmet pig innards - which is how I cashed a win/place ticket on “Petunia” Dressagemeyer. Do I have to refund the money?

NOW you tell me that the Belmont crowd afterwards headed right to Lincoln Center for their biweekly Nutcracker seminar. I just don’t get the right newsletters.

Nice of Disney to throw their sixteen-year-old protégé to the Oscar Meyer weener-wolves. Just seeing her evoked the priceless nostalgia of Pamela Anderson classing up the Derby, in Louieville, in years past.

Congrats to the director of the piece, who mercifully cut her off halfway through her do-re-mi-lobotomy (before we could actually see the lead weight fall out of her brain).

And thank you, Mary Beth, for giving us the link to Her Self-Immolation. Did you like that lightning fast, insincere opening smile as much as I did?

OH, please – set up a Snappo Line illustrating JE’s dress. There’s a RE connection somewhere in New York City these days who now haunts the top-line fashion shows. This beats her previous check-writing debauchery (for the Red Bank N.J. Leave-A-Penny hustles).

Let’s see if we can get something racing here, other than UTCB (weightless & still losing) or thousands bolting to kill the volume on the whitewashed J-Z putra-lyrics.

June 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDon Reed

This is the only way to watch horse racing. Why aren't you in the booth?

June 21, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterstarnarcosis

My hair is too awesome.

June 21, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMB

[...] Mary Beth’s Events and Readings ← Are You Ready For Some HORSES! [...]

Comments for this entry have been disabled. Additional comments may not be added to this entry at this time.