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« The Last Week in June | Main | Are You Ready For Some HORSES! »

I'm Totally Changing Careers

This week I found myself--like most of you these days, I am quite sure--standing the middle of a Wal-Mart aisle, deciding which I needed more:  SPF 100+ for the face with Continuous Helioplex UVA and UVB Protection, or SPF 100+ for the face with Continuous Helioplex UVB Protection only, but it included moisturizer (for yes, I indeed needed at least one or the other.)  It was the Sophie's Choice of sunblock; there wasn't money for both, and come on.  You've seen me.

Since then it has occurred to me that what I really need isn't sunblock, but a career change.  Last month I posted earnings in excess of Not Enough for Both Sunblocks at Wal-Mart.  What I need to do instead is join the celebrity entertainment industry, preferably as a celebrity, and not at one of those lowly towel-getting people who gets sworn into infinity by Paul Anka.

We can see several ways in which celebrity life outstrips that of a writer's:

1) Douchetastic Behavior Is Now Awesome

I include everything in this statement from DNA-proven murder all the way down to industrially inspired fashion crimes. I absolutely hate the fact that our culture is now Lady GaGa-saturated to the point that she showed up on my sports headline feed for... I don't know, wearing a hat made of leeches to the US Open or something.  But if you've so much as brushed the bottom climes of a Twitter trending list, suddenly killing sprees and dressing for work in neon Plexiglass becomes, at worst, "eccentric."

2)  You Get to Show Up and Frown at Disasters and Then Leave, After Which the UN Gives you a Prize for Caring and Stuff

I need to have one of these "raising awareness" gigs, for which the totality of the job description is to blink rapidly and sit next to Barbara Walters for a grand total of twenty minutes, saying, "You know, it's a really important issue."

Despite the endless TV coverage, we're not getting very much of this here on the Gulf Coast.  Far as I can figure it, the hierarchy of disaster caring-about goes like this:

MOST FROWNING:  Ethnic cleansing, especially if a ribbon color has been designated to demonstrate concern, double especially if it's going on in a place way too far away to actually visit or pronounce properly

LESS FROWNING:  Diseases inflicted upon famous people or friends of famous people (this effectively eliminates rickets)

TEMPORARY FROWNING:  Earthquakes (small tropical island nations where one can display one's abs ONLY)

As we can see, the oil spill fits nowhere on this list--and, worst of all, it mostly affects sweaty, un-exotic white people with vaguely Foghorn Leghorn accents, meaning that we have to make do with John Tesh and Mos Def.

3)  Trips to the Convenience Store Can Knock Major National News Right Off the Endlessly Running Little Banner at the Bottom of the News Channels

You have no idea how much I want this power.  One of my The Readers once sent me a link to a celebrity gossip site which reported that Britney Spears was seen entering a gas station, wandered up and down a few aisles before purchasing a Red Bull, then left.  This was filed under "Latest News."  Also going on that day?  Presidential primaries in fourteen states.  Eh, whatever-- it's not like anybody cares what Mitt Romney drinks.  Or says.  Or thinks.  Or does.  Then again, Mitt would totally rock the shaved head look.

that's just. the way. it effing. is at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (8)

What I want is the money. So if you find a way to do THAT, let me in on it. I don't want to make the news for buying a drink. But MONEY, well, I could handle that.

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnge

I would add to the list - the ability to name your children something really messed up and know they won't be made fun of growing up.

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Which is why I need this to happen before little Microbial and Bacon are born.

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMB

So, which kind of reality show you think you'd like to try in order to attain paparazzi-worth celebrity? ;)

June 23, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Josh Hunter, Mary Beth Ellis. Mary Beth Ellis said: Preparing my best celebrity frown: http://blondechampagne.wordpress.com/2010/06/22/im-totally-changing-careers/ [...]

Hmm, then you can have a twitter feed on which sunblock you actually purchased....

June 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterstarnarcosis

What I want is the money. So if you find a way to do THAT, let me in on it. I don’t want to make the news for buying a drink. But MONEY, well, I could handle that.

June 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlfie Mitchell

To me, you're already a celebrity! ;) (Want me to send you a check?)

June 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSara
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