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Sunday
Feb282010

Leave the Giant Inflatable Beaver, Keep the Buble

I hate, hate, hate an Olympics Closing Ceremony.  Hate the overness of it.   But I'll watch anyway, because it's my pomp fix until the next Biggest Loser finale.

8:31 PM:  Reference to Cauldron Fail from the Openings.  Let's bring it up again.  How to make it even worse?  Canada knows!  A.  CLOWN.

8:32 PM:  I now see the technical issue behind the pillar flaccidity.  It has to have been directly related to this torchlighter's hair.

8:33 PM:  FRICKIN' LASER BEAMS.

8:34 PM:  Oh, dude, skunkhair torch chick just dropped through the floor.  See, if they'd done that with the clown, then this would be the Best. Closing Ceremony. Ever.

8:35 PM:  That is a lot of white people.

8:36 PM: Oh, and now there's singing.  "Wa-ooohhh--ohhhhhhhh! Van-coooo-ver!"  Perhaps I should apply this as a musical test with each new city I inhabit.  If it doesn't fit the song, I ain't livin' there.  ""Wa-ooohhh--ohhhhhhhh! Mobilll-llll-eeeee, Alabama!"  Yeah, that doesn't work for everywhere.

8:38 PM:  What did the Lack of Melanin Brigade just form on the stadium floor?  Is that an amoeba?  Because if it was an amoeba, it was a crappy one.

8:42 PM:  When told that I am about to meet a real live tribal chief, "Bill Williams" is not the first name that comes to mind.

8:43 PM:  A guilt ovation for the natives, please.  Thank you!

8:44 PM:  Utter, complete and total "O Canada" FAIL. Let's book the second understudies for the cast from Glee!  They'll bounce in place and split the "Oooooooh!" at the end into three far more fun stacatto "Oh's!" RAWK!

8:48 PM:  And as if poor Joanne Rochette hasn't been through enough already, the Canadian federation has swathed her in Elmer Fudd's hat and the winner of a Bad Christmas Sweater Contest, one Reindeer Tastefully Arranged Over Each Boob Division

8:50 PM:  Parade of the Athletes' Digital Cameras

8:53 PM:  WOW.  The goalie for the US hockey, Ryan Miller, is marching.  WOW.  Them's balls.  If I were him, I'd be sitting in a small, dark room with a bottle of vodka and a sheet of blank paper, pricking an index finger.

9:06 PM:  It' s comforting to know that teen pop sucks in French just as much as it does in English.

9:09 PM:  Apparently, we are expected to "have a party."  Thank you, no.  I just saw Lindsey Vonn for the one billionth time since April, and I would like a prize.

9:16 PM:  Dear Norway: Maybe people would take you a little more seriously if your national anthem didn't sound like "Deck The Halls" with a cymbals crash at the end.

9:21 PM:  Greek national anthem signer Ariana Chris' dress wins EVERYTHING.  And... Greece has never won a single Winter Olympics medal?  Humiliating, Greece.  I cannot believe I'm saying this, but:  Take a page from Canada's rampant competitiveness .

9:22 PM:  On closer inspection, the belt of Ariana's dress looks like  a cookie cooling rack.  Opinion revised to DRESS FAIL.

9:23:  Olympic Hymn and lowering of the flag.  Shut up and just let me cry.

9:24 PM:  Can I just say... pick a language, Canada.  Go with it.

9:25 PM:  Oh dear.  These athletes in their hastily donned pointy ponchos are looking kinda... how do you say?... Klannish.

9:31 PM:  I wish I could understand the lyrics of the Russian anthem.  Probably something like, "Oh yes, we will dress up in fake leaves, do our best to offend you, we think blackface is excellent competition wear..."

9:32 PM:  Oh, living crap, we're now awaiting the Russian preview portion.  I'm expecting a great deal of fur and... and... fur.

9:37 PM:  Dear Bob Costas:  Please do not use "display their wares" and "whatnot" in the same sentence.  Thanks, bro.

9:38 PM:  Ladies and gentlemen, we have achieved actual wokka-wokka sound effects, accented by people-sized hamster balls.  I prefer the communism.

9:40 PM:  Ballet. Good.  You stick with that, Russia.  End the presentation NOW, while we're impressed, and don't immediately make plans to be in a hole in the ground four years hence so as to escape whatever artistic atrocity you seem to have planned.

9:43 PM:  Instead, Russia has to dig into last Olympic's ice dancers to find a gold medalist.  This is so beautiful.

9:44 PM:  Did you just announce your average water temperature, Sochi?  Because I'm pretty sure you did, and I'm also pretty sure that I don't care.

9:44 PM:  Remember, kids, when the world thinks of Russia, they immediately think:  "Opera repurposed as American musical set in Baghdad."

9:44 PM:  Only two hours in, and we've already achieved the Costas Quote of the Night:  "I guess that's the troika."

9: 45 PM:  PLUSY SIGHTING.  Even though he's just standing there, it's obvious that he hates you.

9:50 PM:  We have achieved a "soooooooooory."  If this guy achieves an "eh?" at the end of the speech, I will declare these Games an unqualified success.

9:51 PM:  "Boys and girls you will never meet were inspired by you.  The youth of the world await your leadership and your example."  Two American athletes take this as the cue to throw gang signs at the camera.  Yeah, represent, douchbags.

9:53 PM:  And an "oooouuuuuut!"  That neutralizes the hockey loss, right there.

9:54 PM:  I'm an American of purebred German descent, the only D that I ever got in my life was in a foreign language, I hate mimes, and that is absolutely worst French accent I have ever heard.

9:54 PM:  Why am I not believing that Bob Costas is fluent in French?

9:55 PM:  Apparently, "Olympism" is a word.

9:58 PM:  Games declared closed.  Youth of the world called upon to assemble in Sochi and throw gang signals borscht-style.

9:58 PM:  Just when I was ready to give up on humanity, here's Neil Young with a harmonica. The Crystal Joints burn solemnly in the background.

10:00 PM: This... is just sad.  Even the harmonica playing is off-key, and this song is like 47 verses long.  So there, says Canada; you're in the hands of the Russians, now, and if we want to shove this poor old man atcha, we're gonna shove.

10:04 PM:  Wha-?  They're taking a break before the Great Crystal Q-Tip finishes doing... whatever... it was supposed to be doing?

10:06 PM:  The Shat has won the What Being a Canadian Means to Me essay contest!  Congratulations, The Shat!

10:07 PM:  Please, please, please never say "make love in a canoe" ever again, Shat.

10:08 PM:  Oh, good. Sound effects.  You just couldn't trust that The Shat could carry this on his own, could he?  You had to throw in the sound effects.

10:09 PM:  This has to be the first time I've ever seen an entire segment of the Closing Ceremonies dedicated to national inside jokes.  I cannot say that I like it.

10:10 PM:  Ummmmmmmmmm.... yeah, when you can hear your words echo throughout the stadium in place of laughter, your "comedy routine" isn't going over well.

10:11 PM:  "Pee."  Thousands and thousands of years ago, the Greeks lit the Olympic flame in honor of their gods, and kept it burning as a sacred light throughout the Games, all so that one day, the inspiring torch would burn in the background as the words "pee in the snow" were uttered before all mankind.

10:13 PM:  Yes.  Only Alex P. Keaton can save us now.

10:15 PM:  I... really don't know what to say here.  I've never EVER seen a host country gloat in the Closing Ceremonies, and here it is at the hands of Marty McFly, in Canada.

You know what, Canada?  I rooted for your ice dancers.  I admired your nice mountains.  I didn't even begrudge you your hockey gold.  But now, I gotta say... I am starting to get a little bit pissed off.

10:17 PM: OH.  MY.  HEAVENS.  IT'S MICHAEL BUBLE IN A MOUNTIE UNIFORM, AND THIS IS THE BEST OLYMPIC CEREMONY EVER EVER EVER.  I FORGIVE ALL, CANADA:  The gold medals, the gloating, the reindeer sweater, the disturbing lack of mullets seen tonight...  I hereby forgive it all.

10:21 PM:  Annnnnnnnnnd we're back to weird.

10:22 PM:  "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to portray an enormous hockey puck on behalf of my country."

10:23 PM:  Costas and Al Trautwig are left to discuss table top hockey, and whether or not they remember it, or liked it, and why.

10:24 PM:  OK, Vancouver?  With the giant dancing maple leaves and the "always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver and giant inflatable moose?"  Not so much.

10:25 PM:  Al:  "Gotta have both."

10:25 PM:  See, you and I get the joke here, but I guarandangtee you that right now, there's some poor kid from Uzbekistan sitting on the stadium floor and wondering what the eff just happened to the Honor And Glory Of Sport.

10:28 PM:  Wow, and they put gold medals around the necks of their giant looming hockey players.  My oh my.  You're just asking to get invaded, aren't you?  See you at the border.

10:31 PM:  NBC is eager to launch a new show, The Marriage Ref, featuring a cartoon of Jerry Seinfeld and his fourteen-year-old, just-off-the-honeymoon-with-another-guy wife.  It has bravely decided to do so with the "Air The Pilot In The Most Memorably Obnoxious, Hateful Way Possible, Such As Directly In the Middle of the Live Closing Ceremonies of the Olympic Games" strategy.

10: 35 PM:  "Giant Inflatable Beavers" now the #10 trending topic on Twitter.  That's your Olympic legacy, Canada.  Enjoy.

And... yes, really... that is it.  It's a loss and it's a relief, as I now have my life back, and, um, a whole entire house to pack up in four days.  I hereby declare the Crystal Joint, and also communism, preferable.

Calgary's all, "...seriously?" at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (8)

[...] the original: Leave the Giant Inflatable Beaver, Keep the Buble « Blonde Champagne This entry was posted in General and tagged a-host-country, admired-your, AMERICAN, and-here, [...]

I left when the inflatable dolls came out. Seriously? Inflatable dolls. It was a sign of horrible things to come.

March 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCathy Bell

9:24 PM: Can I just say… pick a language, Canada. Go with it.

The broadcasting of all announcements in both French and English has nothing to do with Canada's embrace of same. The official languages of the Olympics are always French, English, and the official language of the host country.

March 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermike is not a polyglot

Ummmm.... it's a joke. About Canada. Not the Olympics.

March 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMB

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