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« Leave the Giant Inflatable Beaver, Keep the Buble | Main | Quickies »
Saturday
Feb272010

Olympics Crack UPDATE: Don't You NEVER Edge Brian Orser Out for Gold Twice and Expect He'll Just Sit There and Take It; He'll Lay Low For a Couple Decades, Quietly Start Training a South Korean Woman, and Beat Yo' Azz With the Highest Component Score Since Ever, and You'll Be Left Beating Your Breast and Wailing Aloud

I mean, right? After the Battle of the Brians, I kind of assumed that Orser sank into a maple-scented heap, clutching his Major Sparkles costume to his chest while whispering the lyrics to "What Would Brian Boitano Do?"

And here all along, he was plotting his revenge.  Twice denied gold by American skaters, Orser laid low just enough decades for us to think he was neutralized, and then he comes blasting back as the coach of Kim Yu-Na, knocking the American women off the Olympic podium for the first time since 1968.  For it wasn't enough for him to satisfy his lust for blood in the men's gold; no.  He would hit us where it really hurt, right in the pink cotton candy cloud dreams of girlhood, right in the BeDazzler... in the women's competition.

Well played, Mr. Orser.  Well played.

-What can I say about the Russian Fred and Wilma original dance, produced by Max Bialystock, that hasn't already been shrieked?  I shall merely repeat my favorite:  "I better not hear any complaining out of these two for not getting anything higher than bronze. They weren't run out of the country with torches.  They had a good weekend."

My favorite moment regarding the entire affair came when figure skating anchor Tom Hammond, who admittedly knows nothin' about nothin' regarding such crap, asked, "Aside from looking ridiculous, how will this affect their judging?"

And following this, back in the studio with Uncle Dick Button, ice dance commentator Tracy Wilson went into a big huge monologue about the Russians dissecting this and that and bead and face paint, and then a wide-angle view revealed that Uncle Dick was totally sitting there with his arms crossed like he ordered a martini 20 minutes ago and it hadn't shown up yet.

-As we've seen, ice dancing has many horrible colors and fabrics not found in nature, but only three facial expressions:  Pending Constipation, Constipation, and Post-Pepto.  The other three disciplines, however, are limited to two:  I Wish My Mother Would Have Sublimated Her Low-Self Esteem With Therapy Instead of Rink Time, and Gaping Piehole Must = Artistry.

-And with that, the Moment of Commentary which sums up the entirety of ice dance:  "Ben finds a bird and gives it to Tanith, who sets it free."  People, there IS NO BIRD.  There are only escapees from Santa's Christmas Village in the Fourth Circle of Hell.

Is it just me, or should my Olympics not require an instruction manual?  Please alert me immediately should anyone encounter ice dancing which actually looks like... you know.  Dancing.

-Herein, behold the final word on the "Johnny Weir wuzrobbed!!eleventy!!!11!" sobbing:  No he wasn't.  His jumps weren't as difficult as those who finished ahead of him, he was already in a sixth-place hole after the short program, he   took off on the wrong edge of the blade while jumping, and the straight-line choreography wasn't as intricate. Also, he dresses like this.

We learned during the long program that Johnny's parents encouraged him to run the opposite direction on a soccer field pretending he was a giraffe, which no doubt endeared him to teammates who were suddenly short one fullback.  Actually, come to think of it, this story says a lot about Johnny.  He will do well in the professional ranks, I have no doubt.  Failing that, he could easily build a long and distinguished career of standing along along the ropes at Spago, deciding who gets in and who does not.

-It's nice to see that the speed skating folks hired a Bond villain to give the "ready" call at the start.

-Joannie Rochette, bless your heart.  Please go home, get some rest, and stay away from the "So!  How's it feel to have your dead mom die right before you enter into a seven and a half minute period which will irretrievably define before millions what you've dedicated your whole entire life to?" interviews evermore.

-For anyone who may thought I was being too tetchy regarding the endless, tasteless, monotonous pimping of Lindsey Vonn, may I submit the following:  NBC not only interviewed her on a forty-five second interval basis to see in which direction she may have farted in the last time they checked, it kept a camera on her face while other skiers were crashing and then showed... not the poor athlete crumpled in a heap of long underwear and Kevlar on the spiky hill of Olympic dreams,  but... a slo-mo reaction of Lindsey Vonn's face as she watched crash replays.

I turned off the coverage for a few minutes in utter disgust right after Vonn crashed and Julia Mancuso was forced to stop her run and begin again, which, of course, utterly screwed her, because I didn't want to see the inevitable interview in which Vonn was breathlessly asked if her hair had been damaged as Mancuso struggled back up the mountain on foot, poles dragging behind her.

I mean, I'm glad she wasn't seriously injured, and congratulations on the two medals and all, but this makes me want to actively avoid Vonn sponsors, all skiing, and winter in general.  The somewhat less telegenic Steve Holcomb, the Eagle Scout driver of the first gold-winning bobsleigh team in 60 years, though... him, I'd buy a beer for.  And from.

-Ruination Moment of the Twenty-First Olympiad:  The discovery that I can no longer like Dan Jansen.  BOOOOOOO, GA'BAGE, DAN JANSEN!  I CRIED FOR YOU!  I SHALL CRY NO MORE!!

-He is hereby replaced with a new Olympic Hero, perhaps even more than the much-beloved U.S. weightlifter who had cellulite: Thirty-seven year old aerialist Jacqui Cooper.

There is hope.

COVERAGE QUOTE OF THE DAY: "You can see him continue stroking here."

sprint to the finish at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (6)

[...] Longest.  Title.  Ever.  Edition [...]

RE: Ryan Miller and Hockey - NHL resumes play TONIGHT so happily no one will care about Sunday's loss by Wednesday morning.

March 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterstarnarcosis

[...] 1:48: GARY STEVENS!, right off the top, wearing the same tie as last year’s since it went over so well with The Laaaaaaadies.  Gary uses the phrase “impairs your vision,” and thus wins the Dick Button Memorial Early Articulation Award. [...]

[...] for a Dream, producers, really?  We’re gathering music from ice dance routines now? Could you not get the rights for [...]

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August 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTory Grauer

Thanks so much! I hope you stop in again. :)

September 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMB
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