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Wednesday
Jan272010

Shrinking

Okay, we've got some more Important Research for you here.  Josh The Pilot is applying for a Little Einsteins orientation course, and he has to take a physical fitness test.  Some of the requirements are horribly reminiscent of the President's Physical Fitness Test (flexed arm hang! endurance run!), but I'm thinking he won't be allowed to stand on a metal folding chair to grasp ineffectually at a sawed-off broom handle like I did back in The Day.

So now he's working out and drinking some sort of horrible water-and-sawdust thing that, judging by the impossibility of chipping clean the glass it was once in, should keep him in a fibrous state for at least the next two geologic ages.  I am also researching weight loss supplement pills, which is much easier than I thought it would be.  For example, I was able to toss the products which had the following comments on consumer sites:

"Little chunks of something were coming out when I peed.  I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen."

"My patients on (PILL PRODUCED BY POTENTIALLY SUE-HAPPY PARENT COMPANY) often find that when they eat a high-fat meal, several hours later they may have diarrhea or loose stools. In extreme cases, they can't control their bowels — they'll leak all over their pants."

"This was dumb. I tried (some idiot cookie-based diet) for 3 months and gained 12 pounds. Instead of helping me lose weight, it led me to believe that I could eat any cookie I wanted."

"If you want to alternate between s-------g and puking then you will be fine."

"It took all of 8 hours for this stuff to make me so sick that I ended up losing 10lbs plus more, but unfortunately it was because it made me violently vomit and have diarrhea."

"Lost 14 lbs in 12 days.. and I cheated. Threw a little vodka in the grapefruit juice at dinner... then more...and more...forgot to eat."

might just take up that last one at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (3)

Warnings on the Alli weight-loss pill recommended wearing DARK PANTS in case of anal leakage. Even without first-hand experience, I have to imagine that dark pants are not going to truly solve or mask that issue.

January 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEm The Reader

Thanks for the laugh! Gotta love anything that forewarns of "anal leakage"!

January 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSara N

"Lost 14 lbs in 12 days.. and I cheated. Threw a little vodka in the grapefruit juice at dinner… then more…and more…forgot to eat"

I also agree that's the more sensible of the bunch!

The CDC has found Americans now have a significant amount of bisphenol A in their blood stream. That stuff comes from plastic utensils —like the bottle of water you're drinking from right now— and there are concerns not only that BpA works as an endocrinous disruptor —meaning your body mistakes it for hormones, like estrogen— but that it might also increase body fat.

So, apart from anal-leaking pills, may I suggest a thorough dialisis treatment as well.

January 28, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie
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