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Car Talk With an English Major

One of the unexpected outcomes of working on this Top Gear article is that I find myself viewing cars, for the first time in my life, as something other than a great incomprehensible tangle of plastic and metal which, if it decided to stop working-- entirely of its own accord, of course--would render me entirely helpless until a person with coveralls and an itemized bill showed up.

But as the Bridemobile (just because I don't understand 'em doesn't mean I can't name 'em) and I trundled across state lines last week,  I saw the grille of... some car bearing down on us, and I knew, just by glancing in the mirror, that this was something that I will be able to afford just as soon as the enormous Money Bundles of Serendipity come tumbling down from the sky.  And as it zoomed past, there it was on the back of trunk-- four rings.  Which I wouldn't have been able to identify a few months ago, either, merely chalking it down as a tragic attempt at Olympics-supporting car decor.

Now I find myself wondering about at body lines, brake horsepower, and turning radius, although I understand absolutely none of it.  "What about the color?" I'll say when purchasing my next car, sometime around the next total eclipse of the sun in both hemispheres.  "And the radio?  And the cylinder head exhaust manifolds?  You know?  Those things that... exhaust... the manifold?"

Sometimes I like to look at less exotic cars, which are no less cool, if only because they don't possess, as a main feature, a dent made by a deer.  Here's one-- the 2010 Honda Odyssey.  It's  this BIG ENORMOUS MINIVIAN with a  cute little snub nose, and if you click on the picture tab at that link, you'll see that if you park it near a hill, the Odyssey will even smile at you.  With dimples.  These things are important to me, as a driver.

This Ford Fusion Hybrid review announces that the 2010 version "has improved interior quality and quietness," and that's vital, considering the way I treat car interiors, which is to say as my own personal stress pillow.  Every time I don't bust a cap in the tires of the line-barging hatchback in front of me, the passenger seat gets a fist-pounding.  So here's to you, Ford Fusion Hybrid, and your ability to serve my needs.

Now, given my vast auto knowledge, you'd think that I'd be all over the fact that a Mercedes comes in something other than flat little thing, so I was surprised when I came across a Mercedes Benz GLK review and realized that Mercedeses come, like, twice as large as I'd expect.  Here you can take the car pool to soccer practice... in a freaking Mercedes.  Perhaps I will have a child as an excuse to obtain one of these.  Car seat's gotta go somewhere.

vroom at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (6)

[...] Talkin’ cars with an English major Share and Enjoy: [...]

We drive a 99 Saturn Wagon. With a car seat and a booster seat, plus my husband as Perpetual Passenger, it is literally a family car.

As in, anyone else who needed a ride would have to hide under a blanket in the hatch.

September 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpraybrethren

Oh, and I forgot to mention, that my dream car is a VW Routan...

September 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpraybrethren

MB, As this is my expertise, One of many. You did not ask me my opinion, now Country, of course, knows a thing or two of course, about this, but I have a mag about Top Gear, and I am one up on him on this. I also have stickers which came with this issue. I will give them to James and Will when I need a few minutes rest when It's babysitting time.

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterPoppy Ron

I drive a Ford Freestyle, it is a crossover vehicle, that is now discontinued. It was reborn as the Tarus Wagon. It is a total family car, even having a 3rd row of seats, which is of course, what every single girl needs. It comes in handy b/c I always get to drive everyone for family events.

I have decided however that my next car is going to be a VW bug or a Jeep. Something totally impracitical where I don't have to drive all the time.

Of course MB at my rate of income, I'll be buying about a decade after you.

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelle Belle

I bought a Fiat Grande Punto last year —that's right, my American friends: I bought a car from the people who bought Ford; maybe if you cared to make more affordable cars in which people of un-regular size could fit... ;-)

It's a nice little car and fun to drive, despite the fact of its puny 96 bhp engine —the turbo version was way above what I could afford —with me as the driver is strictly a two-person auto; but considering I mostly drive alone and how much I save on gas, I don't complain :-)

My dream car would probably something like this : the http://www.tecnocoches.com/wp-content/imagenes/seat_leon_cupra_copa_edition_280hp.jpg" rel="nofollow">Seat Leon Cupra; the http://www.capndesign.com/images/etc/mazda3-5door_0204.jpg" rel="nofollow">Mazda 3; or maybe even the http://cache.jalopnik.com/cars/images/2006/07/2007-volvo-C30_JUMP.jpg" rel="nofollow">Volvo C30 —I got a thing for hatchbacks ;-)

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie
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