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« Double Feature | Main | Red Line »

Things I Learned From the New Transformers Movie

Josh The Pilot and I saw a commercial for Transformers 2 some weeks ago, and he was very excited about the idea, and I was very excited about the idea of never seeing it, ever.

Then the production went and filmed on location at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum at Udvar-Hazy, where I do education work, which meant I had no choice but to watch the thing so I can answer every single  fifth-grader's question about each individual floor tile Shia LaBeouf set size-eleven shoe upon.  (And yes, they'd know that too.)

There was a major physical challenge involved.  Not only was I required to traverse a whole entire movie lobby on a post-op knee, I was also honor bound to avoid lumbering away to pee, lest I miss the five-minute Smithsonian scene, which would mean that I'd have to do the whole $8.00 thing over again.  That was problematic, as our two matinee tickets came with a  free small popcorn and drink, and.. what are you gonna do when free is involved.  I watched the first 90 minutes with crossed legs.

So what have I learned?  (Spoilers of LOUDNESS):

-Sometimes, alien robots have testicles.  But only sometimes.

-When you die, you don't see pearly gates or clouds or even God.  No, you see a crowd of advancing Transformers.

-There are these really big speakers on, like, at least both sides of the Regal Fairfax Cineplex.

-In terms of raw rackage, I would do a WAY better job running away from a giant fireball than Megan Fox.

-Speaking of, I must get the name of her dry cleaner and ScotchGuarder.  Her white slacks somehow come through a robot attack and building collapse in Egypt with nary a streak.

-Barack Obama would totally negotiate with the pan-galactic Deceptacon threat, possibly inviting them to the Fourth of July White House Picnic.

-There's enough Camero in a Camero to unfold into a 50-foot robot.  With a plasma cannon.

just so you know at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (16)

[...] Two and a half hours of very, very loud homework Share and Enjoy: [...]

[...] chapters really resonated with me but I think Chapter 3 titled Nobody Reads was the one that has Things I Learned From the New Transformers Movie - blondechampagne.wordpress.com 06/26/2009 Josh The Pilot and I saw a commerical Transformers 2 [...]

I better go see it too........it's all my third grade students will be talking about when they get back to school in about six weeks (well, at least it's all the boys will talk about).

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWiserlemming

Oh good. Now I don't have to go see the movie. I'll just tag along to the Smithsonian and eavesdrop on what you tell the little kids. Or maybe I'll have to/get to watch it on some transAtlantic flight.

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHunter House Mom

You mean your car doesn't come with a plasma cannon?

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstarnarcosis

The really sad thing is, most of them probably WILL have seen it, even though this is a hard PG-13 and several scenes are in no way appropriate for prepubescents, such as the sight of John Turturro in a thong. I will see to it that Jim and Will don't view this until they're 30.

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMB

You're not allowed to see it either, Mom.

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMB

I am such a bad Aunt. I promised Brandon, now 7, that he and I would make that our special thing this weekend. I don't feel too bad about it, cause the part of me that (and I cringe to admit this, like Fast and Furious) is wanting to see it. I figure if his parents let him watch wrestling every week and all the Fast and Furious movies, this can't do too much damage.

I on the other hand and going to cover my eyes every time John T comes on screen and wear ear plugs, cause it just sounds loud.

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelle Belle

Well, if you're comfy with exposing a seven-year-old to two separate and extended scenes of dog humping, plenty of female objectification, constant PG-13 language and violence, and a near-sex scene... go ahead on. I beg of you, aunt to aunt, to take Brandon to "Up" instead.

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMB

The problem with the Transformers franchise (well, the main problem, as there are several) is that the producers tried to capture as big a niche market as they could get. So they wanted to attract guys like me— who saw the original cartoon when we were in our early teens— with Megan Fox; but since the fetish for giant fighting robots hits you at a very early age, they tried their best to keep the rating at PG-13, even though they are fully aware that many young parents will have no choice but to acquiesce to their younglings desire to watch the movie.

The end product was like a horrible Frankenstein monster: too ugly to live, too powerful to kill. But from the producers' POV who can only hear the sound of cash registers @ Toys-R-us, it was a great success.

Maybe the 2nd movie is better, from what I've heard is overproduced and to skinny story-wise. Maybe I'll rent it.

Went to see Up yesterday night at 10. Had the whole theater almost to myself; which was a good thing, because that way no one saw me crying :') Finding Nemo was my favorite Pixar movie so far; but now I believe this one has toppled it.

June 26, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

Oh I know most of my students will have already seen it, which is just sad, sad, sad. Many of them have also seen the Matrix movies, the Fast and Furious movies, and others that I can't believe their parents allow them to watch (such as the old Child's Play movies---remember Chucky, the demon-possessed doll?).
But then, many of them also play video games such as Grand Theft Auto and other equally violent ones.
And their parents wonder why their kids are so jaded at such a young age.........

June 27, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWiserlemming

MB - Larry and I saw it in IMAX at the Udvar-Hazy Center. I get motion sick, so I spent most of the movie with my eyes shut..... Oh! and now most of America will think that The Bone Yard in Arizona is just outside the doors of the Air and Space Museum in Virginia....lovely

June 30, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeather

I know! I'm from Arizona, and I just about flipped out when they opened the doors and stepped out into Pima County. I guess it's no worse than when the movie showed Egypt and Jordan to be only a fifteen minute run apart or when they ACTUALLY beamed through space for no apparent reason.

July 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLex

Great post!

July 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterflashplayer

I have to say, I loved the first one, but could barely stand the second. I had such high hopes but by the second dog-humping scene and the pot brownies, I realized that the target market is teenage boys who actually think that sort of thing is funny.

Oh and as for the white pants...my husband and I both couldn't help but comment on the stain and dirt resistance of those suckers. I still don't know where she came up with the whole outfit considering she was transported without a suitcase and wearing jeans. But now I'm just being nitpicky.

(And don't get me started on the mini Decepticon humping her leg. Seriously.)

July 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMandy

Can you give more details to this movie?

July 23, 2009 | Unregistered Commentertagalogmovies
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