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Thursday
May072009

Need Scrubs. And Also Scrubbing.

I had a blood test today.  (And passed!)  Although vomit, gore, insects, food in the process of being masticated, and Gilmore Girls makes me shriek and flap my arms about in an unattractive manner, I stand resolute at the sight of blood, even my own.  The removal of that blood, however, slides me out of chair and down on the ground faster than... than... a... really fast... blonde thing.  (Sorry.  I have lost blood today.)

So the result of my first blood test consisted of avidly watching the nurse swab my arm, tie off my bicep, and stick in the needle, all the while thinking, "Well, this is all very interestiiiii...." and oh, hi, there's the floor.  I have since developed the ability to form a keen interest in the items surrounding me.  The best outcome of this was the day I visited a blood drive in a church undercroft and The Empire Strikes Back was playing on an enormous drop-down screen.  The worst?  For many years, the poster on the wall of a doctor's office entitled "KNOW YOUR UTERUS, KNOW YOURSELF."  But now?  The WHOLE ENTIRE ROOM in which I was de-blooded this afternoon.

Due to the whole anemia-floor familiarity thing, I request, when possible, to lie down during a blood draw.  At this clinic, a padded table was available in the examining room, but the Office Max Fairy had just taken a dump along the entire length of it.  Because that's exactly what you want to see in the preparatory period of a medical procedure:  Mounds of staples and Post-It notes in the shape of a dog's head.

Then again, I shouldn't have expected tremendous organization from this joint, given the fact that when I signed in, I was asked if I were there for a blood draw or a semen sample. Granted, I hit the seven-pound hand weights like a freakin' hammer in yesterday's Fitness For Pathetic Officepeople class at the gym, but I'm asking you:  Am I truly at the "Thank you, sir" stage yet?  Do I look like I log by day and coach fast-pitch softball by night?

So I settled into a tall chair against the wall, which gave me... an unmitigated view of vials.  Vials and vials and vials.  Of other people's blood.  Chipped, barely stoppered, and stacked everywhere there was space, which was each available inch except for the inches my (manly, apparently) buttocks were currently occupying.  Which didn't bother me all that much, because I had other things to worry about, namely the vials and vials and vials of whitish-yellow liquid balanced about two inches from my elbow; stacked, as a matter of fact, directly beneath a clip-on visor upon which was written "Splatter Shield."

...It's really probably for the best that I didn't lie down.

eeeeewwwWWWWWWWWWW at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (2)

And you picked this clinic because.....?

One look at the vials and vials of blood and other samples sitting around would have been enough to make me find another place to have the test.

May 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCJ

[...] It’s Blood Test Day, but that’s not what’s making Mary Beth queasy. Share and Enjoy: [...]

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