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Monday
Mar302009

The Right Address

Last week we accidentally got a document meant for another agency at the Department of Government Governmenting.  I savaged the envelope open in my usual wolverine manner, only to find THE WHITE HOUSE at the top of the paper and a handwritten "Barack Obama" at the bottom.  It was a proclamation concerning one of the -stans or another.

This was immediately paraded about the department under the guise of seeking advice on what to do with it.  "Look, look!" I said excitedly to one co-worker, who waggled both hands in the manner of a very weary magician and said, "Ooooooh!"

There was better satisfaction when I tucked the document safely away and took it on a field trip to its proper department.  Presidential documents are supposed to issue directly from the Oval Office to the intended destination, and the fact that this one went wayward was apparently cause to change the nuke codes.

The cubes were silent, each person bent over his particular form of Governmenting.  "I'm so sorry to bother you," I said, "but I think this belongs in your department."  I held the Sharpied Barack aloft.

People flew out of cubicles within an eighty-cube radius.  "WHEN DID IT COME IN?!"  "WHAT IS IT DOING HERE??!!!"  "IS THIS THE WHOLE DOCUMENT?!"  "WHERE'S THE ENVELOPE!"  "YOU DIDN'T TOUCH IT, DID YOU?"  The -stan proclamation was borne away by anxious courtiers to its proper place in history, and I was left without my eBay item for the week.

I had more fun when the Hillary Clinton document came through.  It was the first State Department communication we'd had from her, and I took great pleasure in sneaking up behind a co-worker who is, quite loudly, unfond of the lady.  I brandished her signature directly in front of his face.  He reacted as a person suddenly doused with flaming Clorox.

But everybody enjoyed the posh Maritime Administration notice which was entitled, with great seriousness, "WET DREAMS."  I dropped the disk with a clatter as soon as I saw that it, too, was marked as such.

"I ain't touching this.  I can't afford the sexual harassment lawsuit," I said, passing the whole bundle to a male co-worker, who verified that the document was, in fact, about a boat so christened.  When the Presidential proclamation about the good ship WET DREAMS crosses my desk, I shall alert you in all due haste.

doesn't even want to know what words the boat-related documents used during the Clinton administration at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

UPDATE: Link, unlike everything else in the government, fixed.

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Reader Comments (7)

People flew out of cubicles within an eighty-cube radius. “WHEN DID IT COME IN?!” “WHAT IS IT DOING HERE??!!!” “IS THIS THE WHOLE DOCUMENT?!” “WHERE’S THE ENVELOPE!” “YOU DIDN’T TOUCH IT, DID YOU?” The -stan proclamation was borne away by anxious courtiers to its proper place in history, and I was left without my eBay item for the week.

Did you receive an unpleasant visit from the Secret Service that same evening?

PS: What are the -stans anyway?

March 31, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

Obama uses a black sharpie?

March 31, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterstarnarcosis

" black sharpie?"

RACIST!!!!

March 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMB

I'm assuming they're the various countries whose names end in "-stan": Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, etc.

March 31, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCatherine

Oooh... so now that Mexico is gaining so much concern and attention... are they gonna start calling us Mexicostan too?? :-P

March 31, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

The "WET DREAMS" link is broken.

Shame. I wanted to forward that to some people today as a not-really-an-April-Fool's-joke.

April 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterINCITEmarsh

GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!!

Or.. the link was moved. Fixed now, thanks.

April 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMB
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