• DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    by Mary Beth Ellis
  • Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Random House Trade Paperbacks
This area does not yet contain any content.
« Happy Thought of the Day | Main | Linkage »
Wednesday
Feb042009

Quiz Time

Q. You are the United States Postal Service. According to your records, a customer who is renting a post office box is two months past due on a payment. Should you:

A. Leave a notice in the post office box

B. Send a notice to the customer’s main contact address

C. Call the business number the customer has left on file

D. Jam a paperclip into the lock of the box, so that when the customer checks her mail, she freaks out on the assumption that someone for some terrifyingly nefarious purpose has been tampering with federal property under her name, because the USPS would never do something so stunningly redneck as place the paperclip there itself, and when she breathlessly reports this information to the clerk, the clerk will say, “Well, that’s what we do when a payment hasn’t been made,” and when she points out that the payment was, in fact, made two months ago from an automated postal center, the clerk will first demand a receipt for said transaction on the spot, and when the customer laughs very hard, the clerk will then announce that he does not have the capacity to hand over the mail or check the veracity of this claim, because, quote, “Only Ed can check the payment system and remove the paperclip, and he won’t be back until Monday,” which leaves the customer to depart the post office in a huff and slam the door of her car very, very, hard, but she calms down enough to make a tersely polite phone call two days later to this all-powerful Post Office Box Wizard known as “Ed,” who deploys his might by eating fifteen minutes of peak cell phone time in the course of putting the customer on hold so that she may listen to a recorded message which encourages her to enjoy the convenience and general joys of a post office box, and when Ed The Magnificent returns to the line, he reports that the payment has been indeed made and he will remove the offending paperclip this very instant, leaving the customer to hang up satisfied that she will now have the ability to collect her own mail, and so she gratefully returns with key in hand to find… a paperclip jammed into the lock.

ANSWER: (click) "Thank you for calling the Unites States Postal Service. The next authorized representative will take your call. Have you ever considered the convenience and professionalism only a post office box can offer? With several renewal options available, including from any automated postal center, a post office box will…

stamped at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (9)

ROFLMAO! And just think, with customer service skilz like those, it's a wonder they're not makin' enough scratch to stay solvent! And , they MIGHT have to drop us to 5 deliveries a week? Oh, the injustice!

February 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlabama_guy

Wow! Jamming a paperclip into the lock? Wonder how much they'll upcharge you for the paperclip.

February 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSara N

...Does that mean that http://www.saudeanimal.com.br/imagens/mr_ed3.gif" rel="nofollow">horses handle Americans' mail??

February 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

Wow. Just wow.

Ah, yes, I LOVE it when customer service rep says things like, "Yes, we'll take care of that right away" and doesn't bother doing it. And then I get to call them back to remind them to do their job. Don't they have Post-Its or anything in those phone-answering facilities?

February 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterj.s.

I have a feeling that McGuyver has been in on this plot against you. Call me crazy... I'm just saying...

February 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCathy Bell

And sadly, those fine customer service skills are grossly overpaid.

Would a refrigerator magnet work to dislodge the highly technical paperclip device?

February 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeredith

[...] Beth has a quiz for you, if you’re a Post Office employee. Share and [...]

How utterly infuriating!!!!

February 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKris
Comments for this entry have been disabled. Additional comments may not be added to this entry at this time.