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God Is Watching Us, And Not From a Distance, Either

This weekend, the last of Josh The Pilot's siblings was married off.  That makes four weddings in a year and a half, and his parents are responding by fleeing the hemisphere.  They are flying to Nigeria for missionary work, where there is very little Internet access and even fewer copies of Vanity Fair.  They are to be envied.

Josh The Pilot went through three tissues.  "You didn't even well up at your twin's wedding," I said as I handed another one down the pew.

"That was just my brother.  This is my baby sister."

We stayed the weekend at a rental apartment designed for missionary families passing through the area, and it was awesome because it was cheap and fully kitchen-loaded, including a full-sized refrigerator complete with removable shelves, which of course invited alcohol stacking.  But the nice clean cozy apartment had a problem:

PROBLEM THE FIRST: Having experienced a number of family weddings, I can attest that only three ingredients are really necessary-- a bride, a groom, and enormous amounts of alcohol.  So when we exited from the rehearsal dinner, I made the fatal error of announcing my intentions to Jeremiah The Brother-In-Law.

"I am getting some alcohol if I have to distill it myself in the bathtub," I told him.

"Not if you're planning to keep it in the apartment."

"Hu--Sa... Th-- Wha?"

"We can't have alcohol in the apartments.  They'll kick us out and charge us a $75 cleaning fee."

Well, fine.  So the place doesn't want any drunken brawls.  But if we're not permitted to have alcohol, the interior decorators could at least remove the following from its bedroom decor, which comprised...



As it happened, Josh The Pilot and I scored the heart-shaped hot tub honeymoon suite, compared to what we found in the room Jeremiah and his wife were occupying:


Oh, we're not done.  Behold the imagery on the wall facing the headboard:


Lookit, I'm Catholic.  I got me some Jesus in every room in the house.  Every single room except the boudoir.  Not in the bedroom, and certainly not anywhere in the vicinity of the bed.  And there's a reason for that.  It's called "I'd Like To Actually Take Advantage of My Marital Rights, Thank You."

no, the bridal couple did not stay in the apartment at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

tip the bartender

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Reader Comments (12)

At least it looked like the Jesus picture wasn't of the "the eyes are following me" variety. It'd be really creepy to have God watching you undress. OK, well, maybe he already does, but from WAY far away.

January 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnne from Iowa

Uh huh. "Heart-shaped hot tub honeymoon suite" AKA unstackable twin bunkbeds.

Reminds me of my grandparents' house. Lots of warm/fuzzy-feeling Christian pictures, along with at least one very somber-looking Jesus picture.
Of course, my grandparents also slept in separate twin beds, and I never saw them display any affection for each other. Not ever.
I knew they loved each other, but they were raised insanely conservative. No card playing (not even UNO), no dancing, no drinking, no smoking.....no handholding or PDA (Public Display of Affection) of any sort. I could go on and on about the ridiculous rules their denomination had, but I won't.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWiserlemming

You'd be surprised what can get done on a bunkbed, baby!

Also? Life without UNO is NOT WORTH LIVING.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMB

Thank you for that earworm, MB. :p

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKris

Yeah, like Jesus never enjoyed a good glass of wine in his life time. What was that he turned the water into again? Perrier?

And I too hate somber pictures of the Nazarene. I remember one painting I once saw in a mall: a portrait of Him with eyes looking up-front, BUT smiling... the most benevolent warm smile you could imagine. I was mesmerized, and I stood looking at that portrait for a very long time.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

>>>Uh huh. “Heart-shaped hot tub honeymoon suite” AKA unstackable twin bunkbeds.
>>>You’d be surprised what can get done on a bunkbed, baby!

I have to agree. My husband and I conceived our first child on a twin-sized bed...as his grandparents slept in the room next door.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

My grandparents have that picture of Jesus in their house, too! Only he's facing the other way, I think.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterj.s.

That is some stellar use of purple rick-rack on the bear picture.

Ah, rick-rack, the bane of my young life.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

My husband and I spent the night in family member's spare room which sported a glow-in-the-dark Virgin Mary hanging out on the headboard. I begged her pardon before I moved her to a less, "Are those really your best moves?" position in the bedroom.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEm the Reader

Wow, just wow.

January 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle

You think 'cause you don't have a picture of Jesus in your bedroom that He can't see you, no matter WHAT you're doing? Also, who do you think invented sex? God WANTS married people to have sex.

November 19, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkathy
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