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Monday
Aug182008

Olympics Crack UPDATE: The Team Representing the Vatican Is Not Going To Like This

When I grow up, I want to join the Olympics trampoline team.  It's fun, it's flippy, you get to wear ballet shoes, and, most importantly, glitter is necessary.  Potential backup:  Pole vaulting.  The mat's all pillowy and stuff, and the American chick who won the silver medal has only been pole vaulting for four years.  All I need is a great big stick and a coach to make passive-aggressive remarks at me from the stands when I come in second.

Training begins as soon as the current stock of sugar ice cream cones in the pantry is depleted.  London, 2012!  The search for proper scrunchy shall consume all the energy of the House of Ellis!

Besides, I have, according to NBC, the most important elements:  Having a family member who once competed in, attended a performance of, or even thought about said event.  My father was on his high school's trampoline team for like a day and a half, which means IT'S DESTINY AND FATE AND TRULY TRULY MINE.

What's really sad is that this driving ambition didn't come to me until well after I married.  I've heard rumors that the Olympics Village becomes orgytastic at about this point in the Games, with many of the athletes done with their events and at loose ends and adrenaline.  Apparently in Sydney, the organizers ran out of condoms-- and they were prestocked with 65,000 for 10,651 athletes.  Either somebody was making a whole lot of water balloons, or there was some serious gettin' it on goin' on, even in the face of what must have been a wide availability of Bloomin' Onions.

According to Yahoo News, the Parade of Condoms are "part of a campaign on HIV prevention and anti-discrimination."  Okay, HIV prevention, that makes sense.  "Anti-discrimination," though?  Is there some sort of conspiracy afoot to give High-Sensitivity Trojans to the European athletes, and stacks of rubbers purchased at gas station vending machines to everybody else?  You can just imagine what kind of nonprofit job interview this could create:  "I see here you worked with the IOC."  "Yes, I achieved world peace and equality through distribution of Lamb Gut Nut Huts."

This year, the condoms aren't going at the rocket rate of Turin's, despite the very best efforts of the U.S. men's gymnastics team.  Possibly Italy snared the bulk of them for use in the Opening Ceremony.  Even so, Vancouver is prepared to give the Winter Games athletes sixteen condoms apiece.  Sixteen.  Are professional lugers seriously getting this much action?

BEST GOLD OF THE DAY: Womens' rowing.  Whole team stood on the podium in their bare feet and sang the national anthem really, really loudly.  Nothing was thrown.  Nobody made witchface. Good for them.  Now go away for another four years until we deign to care about you again.

SECOND BEST GOLD OF THE DAY: Womens' discus.  Do NOT piss off Stephanie Brown, who could probably singlehandedly bring Fallujah under control.  Now go away for another four years until we deign to care about you again.

COVERAGE QUOTE OF THE DAY, WHICH IS ALSO ODDLY APPROPRIATE: "I'm seeing legs coming apart here."

lover cover at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

tip the bartender

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Reader Comments (4)

HOORAY!! MB is back! Missed you dreadfully and was going through "Olympics Crack Update" withdrawal. How appropriate that you label your updates Olympics CRACK!!

August 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterElisabeth

Hey ,what's wrong with making a few dozen super mutant babies? ;-)

Now, what would be interesting is to study what kind of athletes are the ones getting more action, either those who won a medal in their evnet, or maybe the ones who failed; kinda like a consolation prize or something—which would mean that the Mexican olympic team would need their own vending machine!

August 19, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

I am rolling here. Like Elisabeth, I was having withdrawal symptoms waiting for your next update. Must have my Olympics Crack!

On a more serious note, I was crying like a big baby when Phelps got number 8. I had even cheated and checked online before it aired here on the west side, and I still cried when I watched it! Best medal ever!

August 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChelsea

Sorry Chelsea, Best Medal Ever still goes to the 4x100 relay. But I was happy for the long, lanky swimmer even if he did go to Michigan (the root of all evil on Earth.)

MB, Elisabeth and I were consoling each other by emailing about your posts until you posted again. So glad you're back.

Thanks for the info about what really happens in the Olympic village. I will have to start practicing loose morals with my shooting as I prepare for the 2012 games in London. You know since Trampolining is in your blood and you only need 4 years to learn the pole vault you could compete in both events....we'd be so proud. And I've seen you use glitter, you totally pull it off.

August 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle
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