• DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    by Mary Beth Ellis
  • Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Random House Trade Paperbacks
This area does not yet contain any content.
« Olympics Crack UPDATE: The Team Representing the Vatican Is Not Going To Like This | Main | Olympics Crack UPDATE: Bitter Disillusionment »
Friday
Aug152008

Olympics Crack UPDATE: SOMEbody's Been Shopping The Buy 2 Barettes, Get 40 Free Sale at Claire's

10:35 PM:  In a series of 3D graphics, NBC measures all over Michael Phelps, who is double-jointed, and has hands like dinner plates, and a heart which beats twice the normal amount of blood when under stress, and reproductive organs crafted of the finest, purest platinum.

10:40:  Womens' gymnastics.  Okay,  I know Nastia Liukin was born in Russia, and everything?  And her dad's her coach, and they're real close and all?  But did she just kiss him on the mouth?

10:41:  Cut to Mary Lou Retton in the stands, looking totally cute and utterly bored.  She's drinking pop.  Wait, won't that make her need to pee?

11:20 PM:  I have scary powers.

One of the Chinese gymnasts just cleared the most dangerous moment in a vault, and, half-paying attention, I yell "FALL!" at the set during her descent.

She immediately goes down cheeks-first.  Ah, gymnastics enemy, thou shalt suffer the fate of the Sasha Cohen!

I HAVE SCARY SCARY POWERS.

11:22:  What's that you say, the premiere event of the most popular sport in the entire Games is going down?  No, says NBC, you shall not see it!  You shall see Michael Phelps being massaged by two men at once... live.

11:36:  Back to the studio.  Live gymnastics?  These aren't the Olympics you're looking for.

In its place: Bela Karolyi! How I enjoy Bela, and my utter inability to comprehend any single thing the man has to say.  Something about "the execution."  Dude, Alica Sacramore wasn't that bad.

Midnight, Cubin':  I am crazy impressed by Michael Phelps, okay, but the interviewer just enthusiastically congratulated him for acknowledging the existence of a teammate who won a gold medal in the previous race.  What's he supposed to do, rip the thing from his neck and roar, "NOOOOOOOO, only The Phelps may wear the flowering of Chrysus!"

12:02:  Bela Check:  "The ladies are solid and looking good."  I want this sampled into a major rap single IMMEDIATELY.

12:07:  I honestly don't understand why it's necessary to show so much cheekage on the gymnasts, especially considering many of them are Gary Glitter fodder, but Shawn Johnson's uniform really must find its way into my closet at some point.  It's sparkly!

How do the gymnasts decide who wears what?  Each entrant is wearing a different work than her teammate's, and I know they all own the same unitards.  Something like this must require hours and hours of action items and meetings at the very highest levels of the IOC.

12:13:  After a Chinese gymnast performs on the balance beam and pretty much squats down and takes a dump on the far end of it, she is awarded a very high score.  There's conjecture that the judges are overscoring the home team.  Oh, now that's just crazy talk.

12:15:  A Russian entrant has prepared for the meet with her makeup mirror tuned to the Pat Benetar Hits the Pubs setting.

12:44:  Nastia:  The!  Floor!  Exercise!  Of!  A!  Lifetime!  This could be a routine we could be watching for GENERATIONS!  Only one color works in THIS family!  No pressure!

12:46:  Nastia gets the score she needs.  She's the Olympic All-Around champion.  The offending FAILURE, Chinese bronze medalist Yang Yilin, is now WORTHless and properly removed from the sight of The People forevermore.

12:49:  Mary Lou Retton:  Still not in the bathroom.

12:58:  Footage of Bela hugging Bob Costas practically out of his chair, and all God's people say amen.  Mary Lou has the expression of a person watching Michael Phelps being massaged by two men at once.

12:51:  Silver medalist Shawn Johnson is smilin' fake, and is clearly ready to spit nails at AK-47 velocity.  "They're reeeeeeallllly good friends!" says Tim Daggett.  Shawn, still toothy:  "I hate you, *&@^$."  Meanwhile, Nastia Liukin is permitted to live another day.  Also, potentially, eat.

eating celebratory pound cake at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

tip the bartender

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (16)

Am I the only person actually angered by the combination of Bela and Bob? Separately they're fine, I've never had a problem with either one. Put them together, though, and it makes me want to throw things at my TV.

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJen The Account Taker

You crack me up, MB! What a great way to start the day!

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSara N

A few things...

1. Want to be really amazed by Michael Phelps? Go http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,24179205-661,00.html" title="here" rel="nofollow">here and look at what the man eats.

2. Mary Lou might look cute and sweet, but I've met the woman, and she was a stone cold bitch to me.

3. You just made me get water out of my nose with “NOOOOOOOO, only The Phelps may wear the flowering of Chrysus!”

4. I've decided that the judges are awarding the Chinese high scores because no country wants to be the target of China's military when these games are over.

5. Almost another water/nose catastrophe at Pat Benetar.

6. And finally, when the announcer wondered out loud how the conversation had gone in Shawn and Nastia's room the morning before the event, I immediately yelled at my screen... "Simple! Shawn played keep-away with Nastia's scrunchie and Nastia came back with I hope you fall off the bars, SKANK!"

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteramy t.

Thanks for starting my morning with a laugh. 2 minutes before I read this, my co-worker mentioned the kiss on the mouth thing. Very Angelina Jolie. Well...maybe not quite that bad. Being an old man who gets sleepy eyes by 11:00, I taped the gymnastics and will watch them with baited breath later on. It sounds like fun.

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTony

Dudes, it's Jen The Account Taker! What up, 'County? I also felt your anger. It's just two elements which should not occupy the same space.

"Mary Lou might look cute and sweet, but I’ve met the woman, and she was a stone cold bitch to me."

Maybe she had to pee. Either way, you must... MUST... give details.

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMB

Perhaps it was our combined powers that toppled the Chinese gymnast on the vault? Because I totally yelled "FALL!" a split second before she wiped out. Then I felt mildly bad, only not really.

The filming of the Michael Phelps massage also had me raising my eyebrows. Can't the guy have three seconds of peace? And as technologically marvelous as the 3D graphic illustrating his various measurements was, did we really need to know that much about his anatomy? My gut says no.

And finally, with regard to the various uniforms they were all wearing...is it too much to ask that they at least be vaguely patriotic? Shawn Johnson passed the test with the red sparkly number, but Nastia looked like she was competing for the United States of Barbieland. Hot pink? Really? Is that *ever* a sartorial "do"? (Even in a sport where the primary accessory is body glitter?)

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

What's your opinion of the swedish wrestler who threw his bronze medal to the ground because he felt the judges gave him an unfair score?

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

I think *I* wouldn't want to piss him off.

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMB

All I know is that when they started that package about Michael Phelps' anatomy, my only thought was of how MB would react.

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChelsea

1. Want to be really amazed by Michael Phelps? Go here and look at what the man eats.

Yeah...just reading his diet made me ill. Ugh.

What’s your opinion of the swedish wrestler who threw his bronze medal to the ground because he felt the judges gave him an unfair score?

Two words: Big baby.

Did anyone see the Hungarian weightlifter with the elbow injury? One word: YEOUCH.

August 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Lou the Reader

Something interesting to note....I read somewhere that Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin are rooming together in the Athlete's Village.

As for Nastia kissing her dad, I got news....outside of North America, it's quite common in many countries for family members to kiss on the mouth. It's a cultural difference that we as Americans look at as weird, but is totally acceptable elsewhere.

Now, even with that observation, it WAS hard for me to watch the Russian men's team kissing back in '96. Yech!

Oh, that's not news to me. The point is... you cannot imagine the amount of Google searches for "Nastia kiss father dad creepy" which have led people to this site. My daily numbers are through the roof. So: Hooray, incest!

August 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMB

MB--

I bet you never thought incest would make you so famous.

Loved your commentary. Really someone should have taken the make up from the Russian BEFORE she went to the competition. I am with you in the uniforms. What happened to at least having your country's colors at least on your leptard somewhere. I still like Mary Lou's the best. That was a tasteful American flag oufit.

Are you watching now? I can't believe I have watched this much coverage of running. I mean really how exciting can a marathon be? We still have hours to go. I am just too lazy to change the channel, plus my 41 yo swimmer is swimming the 50 tonight and she beat everyone in the semis so I can't wait to watch her swim and win tonight.

August 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle

"It’s a cultural difference that we as Americans look at as weird, but is totally acceptable elsewhere."

Not here in Mexico it isn't!!! O.o

August 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

I love gymnastics, it's probably my favorite sport, but why the heck to they make the women do all those weird poses and twitches? Drives me up the wall! The men don't have to do that and it looks so robotic and unnatural. I would love to see someone come up with something that looks flowing and graceful with just all the acrobatic moves.

August 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAdrian

[...] PM:  SCHADENFREUDE ALERT:  Splatcha Cohen appears on the enormous drop-screen in the middle o the stadium.  Only… she won’t be [...]

February 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterOh? Canada. « Blonde Cha
Comments for this entry have been disabled. Additional comments may not be added to this entry at this time.