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Green Grows the Wheatgrass


Here’s a hint for Piers Morgan: You might not want to address a woman as “pumpkin” when she’s flanked by her rich daddy and big brother. Just sayin’.


And here’s a prediction: Trace Adkins’ loss to him is the best thing to happen to the Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network in a long, long time. If I know the people in my country, they’re going to be pissed because he lost the final task largely due to the fact that he doesn’t have as many rich friends as Morgan does—and they are going to take their pissedness all the way to FAAN’s donation site. That’s how we do justice in America. If I had $250,001 to give instead of owe right now, I would—not simply due to the organization’s important work, but to serve as a thudding reminder that sometimes, nice guys do finish first.


That’s the issue that was brushed against but not really debated in last night’s finale: This wasn’t about “good versus evil.” This was about ends justifying means. Who’s going to argue with raising money for war veterans without legs or sight or either, for heaven’s sake? Morgan’s record was indisputably impressive—nine out of eleven wins for the season, and singlehandedly raising more than Trump’s bonus prize money at his charity auction. But the great bulk of that cash came from just two donors, and he left in his wake a juryful of Trace-leaning celebrity candidates, all of whom know from diva. When Trump asked one of the very soldiers benefiting from Morgan's work about what he thought of the man, he carefully turned the question aside, saying only that he appreciated the work Piers had done. Morgan didn’t just burn bridges; he torpedoed them from outer space, and then used the charred driftwood to club Stephen Baldwin upside the head.


It comes as little surprise that Morgan is BFF’s with Simon Cowell. They’re popular and successful in part because they’re so delightfully, wickedly honest. In a nation addicted to participation trophies and class-wide distribution of “I’M A WINNER” buttons, we need someone to fold his arms in our faces and pronounce bad renditions of “Part of Your World” as bad renditions of “Part of Your World.” Morgan possesses Cowell’s same refreshing bluntness—he’s giving tickets to his swank charity event to active servicemembers, but he’s doing it to guilt-up the bidding. He’s putting money in the bank for a weepingly worthy charity, but he’s doing it by liquoring up the audience first. He does all these things, and then shrugs and announces that he’s doing so. All of this requires balls the size of Jupiter. We respect that in America. We required balls the size of Jupiter to break away from of the rule of Morgan’s homeland in the first place.


Even if Morgan’s methodologies didn’t make me cringe, I will resent him forever because he somehow managed to make me feel sorry for the aggravating, self-aggrandizing Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth. His utter destruction of her in competition, by the largest margin in the history of the show, was perhaps the most delicious moment in the history of reality programming—and then he ruined it. He wasn’t content with victory. He wanted to not only defeat her in business, but to deeply wound her on a personal level. Much as she makes my stomach turn, he turned it further when he belittled her as a cleaning woman and requested that Trump make her firing “messy.”


What’s drawn so many people to Trace Adkins’ cheering section was his steady realization that his every action reflected not only on his own performance, but his family, his profession, and his charity. He put FAAN and daughter before self. Piers Morgan, while clearly genuine in his respect for the Intrepid Heroes Fund, puts no one before Piers Morgan.


Donald Trump is not a deep thinker. Anybody who’s seen footage of the interior of his ridiculous apartment, which looks like King Midas vomited all over the walls and the kitchen counter and the toilet seat, has gathered that he is a man of surface. When two of Trump’s show consultants praised the work of former model Carol Alt, he immediately and unnecessarily added, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Because in his mind, that’s her primary source of usefulness. So it’s no shock that he was eager to place the entire competition in terms of black (fingernail polish) and white, right and wrong. “Do you think your charity is better than Trace’s?” he asked Morgan at one point, as if any human being could possibly quantify a father’s personal battle for the protection of his child against a blind, legless veteran sitting twenty feet away in a uniform and a wheelchair. There are many moments when I’m no fan of nuance—in shielding my loved ones, in loving my God, in the frantic, wild push for achieving my career goals, in amassing caramel when I feel the need for caramel—but holy crap, Trump, sometimes grey, not gold, is the color of the day.

So the whole world now knows that Piers Morgan is a winner, yes. But they also know that Piers Morgan can’t be a winner without acting like an enormous ass in the process.

The cash and gold flakes that rained down on his head last night upon his anointment were entirely fake. But I doubt he noticed.

kickin' it with the BSB at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

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Reader Comments (3)

[...] Blonde Champagne placed an interesting blog post on Green Grows the WheatgrassHere’s a brief overview [...]

>>the interior of his ridiculous apartment, which looks like King Midas vomited all over the walls and the kitchen counter and the toilet seat<< I love it! That is exactly the perfect description for that tacky, gaudy, ghastly apartment of his.

I've watched The Apprentice from the very beginning and I think this was one of the most fun seasons. Wish they'd voted Omarossa off in the first show though. She was so phony - you could tell that the producers had told her to camp it up to get more viewers. Could have used more of Gene Simmons too, but I suspect that he and Donald made a deal or some sort. Something like, "I'll come on and give you some good publicity for a couple of shows, but you've got to vote me out early so I can get back to my mega-empire".

Fun stuff though, in a dismal season full of re-runs.


April 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAdrian

[...] single, “You’re Gonna Miss This,” has hit the top 10 on iTunes, partially due to this. I watched him perform the song on the live Apprentice finale, and was immediately prepared to [...]

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