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Wednesday
Nov052008

Barbie, Caring A LOT About Blonde Champagne

Apparently, I am overqualified to be Barbie.

I just got off the phone with the agency which booked me for Wal-Mart's "Barbie Cares" promotion:  The marketing people at Mattel done have themselves a Google bookmark, and Googled their way to me.

And fired me.

This is outstanding day job stuff. Okay, I've been fired before?  But not prior to actually showing up to the job.  That is second-to-none motivational speech fodder.  What's that you say, there's a Para-Olympian with no head and eight gold medals making the rounds?  Well, I was rejected as Barbie before I even inserted her rhinestone-on-a-stick earrings into the sides of my head.

"Mattel doesn't want someone who thinks about them like that working for them," I was told.  The person I talked to admitted that she hadn't read the post in question, but "apparently it was pretty nasty."  What?  Come on, what?  Was it the "racist and lookist and sexist" part?  The sentence in which I described the giveaway as "Bag O' Plastic Crap"?  Or the one in which I described the costume as "last seen wadded up in a corner of Liberace’s closet, rejected as 'too out there'?" I don't understand this!  I just don't understand it at all!

I'm assuming this means that due to the worldwide Live Barbie Shortage Crisis (the past two days have been rife with pleading agency emails from three different states, still trying to find fellow sufficiently blonde, Caucasian, low-bank-account females) that I won't be replaced, which also means that the bulk of the brand ambassadors and assistants also needed for this gig have been fired right along with me, and that sucks.  Hooray for the local economy of Culpeper, Virginia!  If the training manual I was emailed last week (there was a training manual to be Barbie, people) was any indication, it looks as if I will be replaced by a lifesize Barbie cardboard cutout to stand next to the donation "mailbox", which, I must admit, is probably far better at mental addition than I am.  Slightly thinner, too, but I bet my rack is way better.

It also sucks because there was supposed to be a "Barbie Handler" on site whose secondary existence was to hold my bag, escort me in and out of the glamorous changing room-slash-Wal-Mart bathroom, remain close to my beck and call, and keep me happy and fabulous.  I was strictly forbidden from helping to set up or break down the event area, thereby literally making it my job to avoid actual work.  I was meant to do this.

The training manual stressed that, as Barbie, I was to be cared for and kept looking "spectacular" at all times; best of all, it also directed that "Barbie should never have to deal with difficult guests."  I was so looking forward to applying this to every single aspect of my life.  "Barbie should never have to explain your F+ for the semester to you." "Barbie should never have to flush her own toilet."   "Barbie should never have to age as a mortal human might."

To be honest, the thought crossed my mind that this might happen when I wrote that post, but you know what I batted it down with?  The on-its-heels realization that I'm a mega-obscure thirty-one year old freelance writer nobody cares about, outside of the people familially and legally contracted to care about me.  Who's gonna see this little post, which, I now see, was clearly put in place to bring shame and destruction upon the heads of Mattel?

This, then, is awesome.  My readership is way bigger than I originally thought.  I can move multinational corporations.  BEWARE THE DESTRUCTIVE POWER OF AN ENGLISH MAJOR WHO VERY OFTEN ENTERS THE INCORRECT PUBLIC RESTROOM.  First the Mormons!  Now, the Jet To Yacht Playset!  A pox upon your Dream House, Mattel!

Man, I better start watching my step here.  If they found me before, what are they going to do after reading this post?  For I am a marked woman.  Roving bands of Skippers-- Skipper always has to do Barbie's dirty work-- are probably speeding down the Beltway as I type.  Terrifying, quick hang-up calls will be coming from inside the Dream House.  In the coming days, I will catch brief, menacing glimpses of pink out of the corner of my eye, but as soon as I turn my head, there'll be nobody there.  I'll have to start checking the BrideMobile for plastic packages wired to the undercarriage-- pale rose, fully accessorized, and blinking ominously.

Well, kids, it's (at least, for now) America.  I have the right to type in self-mockery and continue my impassioned crusade against being kicked by children; Mattel has the right to fire me; and I in turn have the right to get hammered and stagger through the Pink Aisle at Toys R Us, hollering, "IT'SHA COMMUNISHHHT PLLOOOT!  KEN'S A FAAACCSSHIST, AN' HE CHEATED ON BARBIE IN MALIBU!"

Either way, I know who's going to be having more fun on Saturday.

Extreme Irony mode ON at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

tip the bartender

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Reader Comments (19)

[...] Barbie, Caring A LOT About Blonde Champagne « Blonde Champagne, on November 5th, 2008 at 10:28 pm Said: [...]

November 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCome on, Barbie, Let’s G

Ummm . . . I wouldn't joke about this.

You saw what they did to Ken.

November 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterINCITEmarsh

Damn, now I really do have to go to that wedding. And I had cleaned off the digital camera card and everything....

November 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle

Barbie is an air-headed, single-expressioned plastic doll.

So you obviously WERE overqualified from the start ;-)

November 5, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

Oh my wow! Seriously? Well MB, if you want to, you are more than welcome to dress up as Barbie and fly out to California for our Halloween party next year.

November 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChelsea

You are now, truly famous!!! Or would that be INfamous!?!?!?

Hey, at least they didn't suggest that you be a Bratz doll. Your head is probably too small for that job... ;)

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKris

Guess some people can't take a joke?

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLady

I am so bummed. My boyfriend lives in Culpeper, so I was going to drive down there this weekend to see you! I even dug out my old (so very old) tan lines barbie!
I guess I'll just have to sell it on E-Bay...

Congratulations on your newfound fame!!

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDebs3

You know when this WILL come back to haunt you? If you ever have a baby niece. She'll be in the line at Wal-Mart, clutching her Happy Birthday Angel Barbie, and they'll scan Julie's card and EVERYTHING WILL COME TO A STOP. Skippers in dark suits and sunglasses will come rushing to the checkout to cuff and card everyone involved. The cashier will get interviewed for CNN.
On the other hand, maybe you should let the Colbert Report know about this.

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterstarnarcosis

Actually, you just simply overshot their requirement of empty-headed fluff! Sorry about the lost income potental, though... Empty fluff does pay bills... :(

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered Commenter2xgtld

That's truly, truly outrageous.

Oh, no, wait, that's Jem.

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

I second the motion to let Mr. Colbert know about this....and Conan, and Jay, and Dave, and Carson, and Jimmie, and Jon, and....anyone else? ok....well, anyway, fantastic idea!

Fear The Blonde One, for http://www.cnbc.com/id/27577922/for/cnbc/" rel="nofollow">her retribution is swift and terrible.

Unless, of course, that number is counting her.

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterINCITEmarsh

Yeah, never piss off a writer, Mattel. That's worthy of an update-- thanks!

November 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMB

[...] Caring A LOT About Blonde Champagne UPDATE Posted on Friday, November 7, 2008 by MB Never Piss Off a Writer UPDATE:  As Mike The Longterm Reader points out, my retribution is indeed swift and [...]

Still laughing so hard the champagne is coming out my nose!! You are clearly a Goddess of the Internets and Blog World with multi-national and large corporate followings! Throw down your thunderbolts and Mattel... fires you???? Call Colbert, The Onion (they'd kill for this story), and anyone else. I'm forwarding it to everyone who loves irony.

PS You were, clearly, over-qualified from the start.... jsut based on the rack comment - no one (with very few exceptions) has a real rack in So Cal... Beware pink plastic blinking things on the Bridemobile!

November 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCA Sailingl Lady

[...] Posted on Tuesday, November 11, 2008 by MB Now that I very much don’t need to fit into a size six dress anymore, I met Josh The Pilot at the door when he came home from work at 11 PM last week.  My purse was [...]

November 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterComfort Food « Blonde Ch

[...] Posted on Monday, November 10, 2008 by MB Now that I very much don’t need to fit into a size six dress anymore, I met Josh The Pilot at the door when he came home from work at 11 PM last week.  My purse was [...]

November 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterComfort Food « Blonde Ch

[...] You’d think I’d stop writing about jobs which I haven’t actually been paid for yet, much less approved for, but I feel compelled to anyway, because a part of me, a very big part, the part which hhhhhhhaaaaaaaaates normal-people adult-style office work, is screaming, and is kind of hoping the hiring agency, like Mattel, also has access to Google. [...]

December 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterReferences « Blonde Cham
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