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Come on, Barbie, Let's Go Horrify Small Innocent Children

UPDATE: Barbie no more. Below is the reason why.

The other day I mentioned that I am ramping down my sugar intake. I did not tell you why, although the reason is kind of obvious (for fun!)

Actually, I need to fit into a dress.

Barbie's dress.

I still have a bagful of my favorites around here somewhere. Happy Birthday Barbie's, I'm thinking, and Diana Ross Barbie's sparkly red gown, and the one the Peaches 'n Cream Barbie arrived in, complete with sherbet-colored organza boa. My plan is to one day become rich enough so that I can take the tiny little garment to a seamstress and say "See this? I want one of these. Only, slightly larger."

Once I was married, I thought my size-body-to-clothing days were over, but no. This Barbie's dress is a six. I am not, at the moment, a size six. I am a size four to twelve, depending on the cut of the clothing item, ab suckage, and the time of the month.

See, I belong to a marketing group which places people for public speaking, education, and marketing jobs, and last month there was a call for Caucasian women with blonde hair who appear in their early twenties.

First of all, this is quite possibly the first time anyone has ever wanted me to be pale. Secondly, it is a long-butt time since I've been carded. And third of all, how incredibly racist and lookist and sexist and oh look, it pays a hundred dollars.

The position is sponsored by a charity called Barbie Cares, and what happens is, little girls line up at their local Wal-Mart clutching their used Barbie dolls to donate. In exchange, they receive a Bag O' Assorted Plastic Crap, and also a wave-smile, wave-smile from me in a purple dress that, from the looks of it, was last seen wadded up in a corner of Liberace's closet, rejected as "too out there." Anything for The Children, and also one hundred dollars.

When my profile was approved for the call, I felt extremely smug about myself (early 20's, that's an entire decade off !) until repeat calls were issued with increasing panic: "We're offering travel reimbursement!" Then: "We now have a hair dye budget!" And now: "We will fly you in to stand in a Wal-Mart for four hours and collect snot germs!" I am thinking they'll bust out Black Barbie and Polynesian Barbie and Heavily Tattooed Barbie after all.

November 8 at the Culpeper SuperCenter. Yes, you may come too, if I haven't gotten into a kickfight with a seven-year-old first. Yes, somebody actually thought that placing me in a Wal-Mart in close contact with many small children at once is a good idea. Yes, my dressing room is probably to the left of the Home and Garden Center, right around the corner from the gerbil food. Yes, I am immensely underqualified for this position.

taking the string-powered townhouse elevator at: mbe@drinktothelasses.com

tip the bartender

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Reader Comments (14)

I hope JTP is going to take video :) Maybe you can get a Boston Legal script out of this.

October 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterstarnarcosis

Seconded on the video!

This reminds me of the 'My-Size' Barbie, which was about as tall as a 3-4 year old (but WAY skinner, of course, because you've got to start the eating disorders early). You could wear her clothes and, effectively, BECOME Barbie!

But I think the way you're doing it is much, much cooler. And, you know, profitable-er.

October 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterj.s.

So when are they gonna sell a Barbie with a belly-button ring? 'Barby-Ho' sounds catchy, right? ;-)

PS:Ditto the video.

October 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

OMG! MB - seriously? This is freakin hilarious!

October 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

This one I am seriously going to make the trip for. It will mean missing a wedding of a very close family friend and probably being thrown out of my own family. But I am sure it will be worth it.

October 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle

Kelly! Do NOT miss that wedding. I FORBID you to come. I will personally kick your butt if I see you there. I promise, there will be other stuff :)

October 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMB

Ah, Peaches N Cream Barbie was my girl! I think I still have all that junk in a box at my parents' house. MB, I will pray for your patience that day. Remember, just inhale, exhale, and move on to your happy place!

October 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChelsea

Oh, I wonder if they are doing this at MY super-wally? Oh, wait - I'm not sure I'm qualified.

Caucasian - check!
With blonde hair - are they asking for REAL blonde? No? Ok then, check!
Who appear in their early twenties - %$*@!)$*! - I'm totally out of the running now....

Seems the version of me that I have in my head - the qualified one - was the "college and maybe grad school" years, not the current "work-at-home-mom" years that I'm in the middle of. Darn. Earning $100, I mean, giving away free bags of plastic stuff really sounded like fun.

October 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnother Southerner

Peaches N Cream, Golden Dreams Barbie, Pink & Pretty and Twirly Curls Barbie were my favorites... and of course, Barbie and the Rockers. Ihad a Happy Birthday barbie, but she had weird short curly hair in front and long hair in the back...

And now I have that song stuck in my head...
I'm a Barbie girl,
In a Barbie wooooorld.
Life in Plastic
It's fantastic...

Sing it with me!

October 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKris

Ok, I will do the wedding.

So today I saw the very pink Barbie Visa card that comes if you buy certain Barbie products. I was pepto bismol pink and had a large Barbie on it. Do you get your money in cold hard cash or is it on a prepaid Barbie card?????

October 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle

Good, I would have had major guilt if you didn't :) And... I will be paid in very tiny, vacuum-clogging plastic shoes.

October 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMB

Well, a girl can never have too many shoes.

October 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle

I never even owned a Barbie, having a physics teacher legos-and-erector sets kind of a mother, but I played with my friend's dolls, and I distinctly remember Peaches and Cream Barbie. I loved the sparkly top on the dress.

October 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterToni

[...] A LOT About Blonde Champagne Posted on Wednesday, November 5, 2008 by MB Apparently, I am overqualified to be [...]

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