• DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    DRINK TO THE LASSES: Notes from a Woman's College Womb
    by Mary Beth Ellis
  • Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers
    Random House Trade Paperbacks
This area does not yet contain any content.
« In Which I Utterly Destroy Any and All Presidental Aspirations | Main | Spinnin' Around »
Thursday
Oct022008

America's Source For Vice-Presidential Shoe News

Tonight's liveblog of the Vice-Presidential debate is brought to you through the extreme generosity of Amy Lou The Reader, who is not content to allow her awesomeness to rest with merely a punch bowl.  Thank you muchly, Amy!

9:00 PM:  Return of the C-SPAN Special Occasion SuperClock.  Only... it counts down to 9PM and crap-all happens, not even a twitch from Gwen Ifill and her terrifying Attack Coat of Many Strobes. They're not quite sure what to do with this, and finally the Special Occasion SuperClock slinks off, to be replaced by a small graphic whimpering "Debate to Start at 9 PM."

I (heart) C-SPAN.

9:02:  Fashion check:  Senator Biden in a black suit, Governor Palin in a solid black dress, immediately demonstrating that they are Ready On Day One for the most vital aspect of the office of the Vice Presidency:  Attending a whole bunch of state funerals.

9:04:  Biden, all squinty-eyed and sigh-y in the middle of Palin's first answer.  Dude, unclench.

9:07:  It's such a good thing that I'm not in this audience, because I would totally disobey Gwen's strict admonishment to not clap or cough or move or circulate blood loudly:  There's a very real danger that I would dash up to the podium to shove the Governor's bangs out of her eyes. How is she seeing?  It's down so far into her mascara that the chunk on the far right moves when she blinks.

9:18 PM:  Joe, stop double-pointing at me.  Sarah, stop winking at me.

9:21 PM:  Thank all that's good and holy, Palin has undertaken a hair-shove.

9:24 PM:  Lapel Pin War Update:  Palin 2, Biden 1.

9:37:  I want Joe Biden's teeth.  That is one fierce white grill there.

9:42:  Not only are they fighting over who wants to pay my mortgage more or who wants to give me the most tax cuts, America now learns that they both love their sons.  I'm glad we can agree on these things.

9:47:  Please let me know at which point in the next twelve minutes someone posts a remix on YouTube of Biden saying, "Sit down!  Talk!  Talk!  Talk!"  It's got a good beat, and I can vote to it!

9:54:  Worst.  Podiums. Ever. The full frontal shots make both of them look like torso-only animatronics from the Hall of Presidents.

10 PM:  Both take the brave stance of... being against... genocide.  Well!  I feel better.

10:05:  As a follow-on, Joe Biden does not want Barack Obama to die in office.

10:07:  Ooooooh!  C-SPAN, not sitting still with the Special Occasion SuperClock, has added a banner across the bottom with the question the candidates are addressing.  That's a good idea, because at some point in the past hour, I'm pretty sure there was a question about ethanol tax policies, and somebody said "Puppies!"

10:09:  Joe Biden for Home Depot.  He "spends a lot of time there."  This is an enormous opportunity for capitalism at its finest!  I want a NASCAR of a debate, with the podiums slathered with ads from sponsors, the candidates wearing McDonalds visors, and everybody double-fisting Starbuck's and Gatorade, label out.  Gwen should have an enormous cup of Coke at her table, American Idol-style.  Oh, man, somebody get Trump on the horn and get this moving.

10:22:  If you look at the words behind the two of them when there's a split screen, it makes a most lovely haiku.

10:25:  Gwen just referred to them both as "number two."  On LIVE NATIONAL TELEVISION, awesome.

10:27:  The mainstream media, always on the ball: What's that?  You say the shoes of Governor Palin were seen?

I will also note that Senator Biden and, presumably, his shoes have been onstage for 87 minutes now, and we have not been alerted at all as to his footwear visibility status.  The people demand answers.

10:30:  Attack of the Families.  Everybody's going to Bennigan's!

awwww at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

tip the bartender

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (7)

I think Alex Trebec should moderate the debates. He could politely tell them they are wrong and pepper them with delightful trivia. Also, he never would wear anything resembling the blinding-blue-thing Gwen had on.

October 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterEm the Reader

Well, of course we must see Palin's shoes! Fashion people are making knock-offs of her glasses and her clothes and her hair (in the form of very affordable wigs), and the outfit is just not complete without knock-off shoes.

As an author yourself, MB, how about a comment regarding Ifill's book? Do you think it was a inappropriate in any way for her to moderate the debate, considering the topic of the work?

October 3, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterj.s.

I am so glad I have you. I won't watch the debates b/c I know I'll get the real scoop here.

October 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle

So glad to see that the bangs were bugging someone else. You'd think if she could afford all of those swanky clothes and accessories, she could afford a haircut before the big day, too. If she doesn't want to pay for her own, she can pay for mine. I've got more important stuff to pay for - like gas to get the kids to preschool (if I can find any!).

October 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnother Southerner

AS: I think her hair was done differently. The beehive didn't seem as Marge-Simpsony.

She didn't move her hair out of her eyes because if she were seen doing it on camera, then the next night on "SNL" Tina Fey would have Valley-Girl flipped her hair 47 times.

[...] the real story is somewhere in between, and all this requires thought and reading and fact-based, non-shoe focused [...]

[...] Not satisfied with the fact that the running mates were asked exactly how much they’d like the tops of their tickets to kick of..., Schaffer poses the following:  “Okay, you’re the President, and you’re dead.  [...]

Comments for this entry have been disabled. Additional comments may not be added to this entry at this time.