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Thursday
Oct162008

Enormous Terrifying Bearing-Down Eagle Now Looking For Work

8:58 PM:  The Debate Commission paid for the Enormous Terrifying Bearing-Down Eagle, and baybee, they are going to use it.

9:00:  Bob Schaffer, already with the most welcome pronouncement of the entire night:  "Welcome to the last Presidential debate."

9:01:  McCain, still going with stripes.. but it's blue.  And Obama is wearing a red tie.  STOP CONFUSING THE ELECTORATE.  NOW NOBODY KNOWS WHETHER OR NOT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE YOU.

9:06:  "I love Joe The Plumber more!"  "No, I love Joe The Plumber more!"  "Well, I'm gonna give him more of his own money back!"  "Well, I'm gonna give him a pony with a golden, silky mane!"  "Well, I'm gonna marry him!"

9:15:  Spending question, wheeeee!  Argument over who is going to spend less of their beloved Joe's money. Somebody's got a scalpel, and a hatchet, and possibly also a cheese grater.

9:17: The audio on C-SPAN sounds like the debate is being miked from the fourth toilet to the left in the second-floor men's room.  On second thought, that's actually an improvement on what we're hearing.

9:18:  Oh, dude, the invitation to the steel cage match:  "Will you pwwwoooomise to say those mean nasty ad-things to his face?"  What needs to happen here is coats to drop and lots of kicking, and then for Palin and Biden to zipline down from the rafters with nunchucks and those big medieval spikey balls on sticks.  Instead, McCain is "hurt" and Obama is angry at Fox News.

Boo. BOOOOOOOO, I say.

9:25:  When it's a question Obama doesn't like, he says "Well, look."  McCain just shoots lazer death rays out of both eyes.  I think this information is highly valuable.  I really do.  I want to see how each candidate is going to deal with people who piss America off.

9:27:  McCain mentions the Cardinals beating the Cowboys on Sunday.  Obama extends hearty congratulations.  And that is eight seconds of its voting life that America will never, never, ever get back.

9:30:  OBAMA SAID "TIT"!  OBAMA SAID "TIT"!

Well.  "Tit for tat."  But still.

OBAMA SAID "TIT"!  OBAMA SAID "TIT"!

9:40:  Not satisfied with the fact that the running mates were asked exactly how much they'd like the tops of their tickets to kick off while in office, Schaffer poses the following:  "Okay, you're the President, and you're dead.  Dead dead deadity dead!  Now, in which ways are your running mates going to screw things up even more than you've probably already done?  You know, before you got dead dead deadity dead?"

9:42:  McCain does not like anybody's oil but our oil and Canada's oil.  Noooo, they cut theirs with maple syrup and Zamboni shavings.

9:57:  Health care throwdown.  And neither of them are addressing the main issue here, which is why I can't find a decent travel toothbrush anywhere on the face of the Earth.  I tried like three different stores today, and all anybody has is those stupid little foldy things which find all the dirt in my purse and suck it right into the bristles.  Travel toothbrushes, gentlemen.

9:58:  Both are buying drinks for Joe The Plumber again, who has probably just emigrated to Lichtenstein.

10:06:  Oh, wow.  Oh, wow. The Abortion Question.  Unforseen, this is.

Oh.  Wow.

10:17:  Check it out, John McCain wants me to lose my day job:  "We want bad teachers to find another line of work."

10:18:  So does Obama:  "If they can't hack it, we need to get them out of there, becuase we need our kids to have their best future."  Aw man, you BOTH hate me!  You used up all your love on Joe The Plumber!

10:27:  It's the moment we've all been waiting for!  "Gentlemen, we are at the close."

10:29:  Bob wants us to follow his Mommy's advice:  "Go vote now!  It'll make you feel strong."  You know what, I just got back from my Election Officer training, where I learned that voters may bring a gun into a non-school polling place, and that I am not permitted to wear "obscene" clothing.  That makes me feel strong.

10:30:  Oh, whew, the wives are somewhat properly attired.  Thanks for clearing that up, ladies.

seriously, toothbrushes at:  mbe@drinktothelasses.com

tip the bartender

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Reader Comments (9)

Moment of silence for the eagle, as it's carted off to join the big styrofoam Greek columns from the DNC.

Now I'm off to plumber trade school to learn how to get presidential candidates to listen to me.

October 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCharlie

I was wondering why my DVR didn't tape Bones and Criminal MInds last night. I am so glad you posted. Now I don't have to call the cable company that shall not be named and bitch that my DVR is malfunctioning.

So sorry we won't get any more commentaries before Election day.

Eagerly anticipating the commentary on the inoguaration.

October 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKell Belle

I'm already seeing "Joe the Plumber" shortened to "JTP."

So Josh may be able to get something out of this, if he plays his cards right.

Can the Americans now vote for Joe the Plumber instead? I mean, he totally won this debate, man!

October 16, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterred pill junkie

Oh no! I'm a teacher too!!!! And I've been having doubts about whether I'm effectively reaching all of my students (some days I wonder if I've reached any of them!). Now I really feel small and insignificant!

October 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWiserlemmingAZ

Oh, don't worry, you're safe. You're *competent*. I'm the one who needs to worry about both of them!

October 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMB

Wiser... and MB--But if you are good teachers compared to the other ones out there, you'll get raises! I forget which candidate said it, but I think one of them wants a 'pay based on performance' system.

October 17, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterj.s.

My school district already has a "pay based on performance" system. It's called "Merit Pay", and believe it or not, is quite effective.

However, no one goes into teaching for the money. I can't imagine ever doing anything else with my life. If I couldn't teach, I'd be lost.

October 17, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWiserlemmingAZ

You gotta go live on TV following such events. Honestly. Completely enjoyable, factual and right on. Thanks.

No, really, I was super tense during that freaking 90 minutes. And now you have talked me down.

Really? he said "tit?" I was so wrapped up in re-experiencing the middle school playground poop that this debate resembled that I missed that tidbit, or "tit"bit.

What are we gonna do? Well, let's vote and pray. No we can't do that; can't combine the two - it's that church and state thing, right? OK, let's just get out and vote and then drink some champagne.

October 18, 2008 | Unregistered Commenteroh
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