If you ever wished I didn't exist, git yourself a DeLorean and some plutonium and teach my grandfather how to shade pop flies a little better.
I wrote this about baseball but it's not really about baseball. It's about time and crap. Also Rubik’s Cubes.
"You're only cute like a grandpa, because you're old."
"I need a drink."
"It's scary here."
"I already know all the things you're talking about."
"I want this to be over."
"I'M REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HOT."
"Can we play now?"
(pointing to photograph of Joe Morgan) "It's Joey Votto!"
This right here is the most badass depiction of Pentecost I've ever seen. I like how the Holy Spirit is depicted as Flaming Meteors of Vehemence rather than tame little licks of flame that just kind of float around like drunk dandelion tufts. It's like God took a meeting with Michael Bay:
GOD THE FATHER: I need it to look super-cool. But different from anything else I've done. Like, I'm over floods and sea stuff.
MICHAEL BAY: What about if a huge metal robot crashes down in front of them and cracks the Earth in a hjillion million places and then Megan Fox bends over a whole lot?
GOD THE FATHER: Yeah, no.
HOLY SPIRIT: I could do the dove thing again.
JESUS: Yeah, I've been meaning to tell you, that was lame, bro. Like all my friends were watching and Dad makes this big booming pronouncement and then this bird drifts down? Anticlimactic.
MICHAEL BAY: What you need is a giant fireball.
GOD THE FATHER: YES.
JESUS: Multiple fireballs. These guys are into big huge enormous signs. They're not the brightest grapes on the vine TBH.
MICHAEL BAY: And then there's a whole bunch of helicopter, and tanks, and lasers, and they all explode!!!!! And Megan Fox wears a transparent white outfit and runs away!
HOLY SPIRIT: I... no. I'm leaving.
JESUS: Tell Mom I said hi.